Captivating Beauty

    A good friend of mine and I have had many conversations as of late that sound something like this... "I need to be eating better, I am so fat...   I need to be committed to going to the gym/working out I cannot believe I how much weight I have gained..." etc... I am sure you know the conversation.  Maybe you have had it yourself recently.  We are bombarded with images of women in our society that either plague us with insecurity or cause us to become bitter and cynical.  What is this desire for beauty? Why is it so central to our beings as women?  Is it God created? Could this insurmountable desire to be noticed, to be adored, be part of God's creation?  I would dare to say a resounding YES!!!  I am doing a lot of studying and reading on the issue of beauty and insecurity.  In the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, this issue of the desire for beauty is largely addressed.  Stasi writes, "a woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world.  She might be mistaken on how, but she longs for a beauty to unveil.  This is not just culture, or the need to "get a man".  This is in her heart, part of her design."  She goes on discussing how women are created in God's image, God is not inherently male or female, God has both masculine and feminine qualities.  That is why men and women are created so differently, yet so complementary.  Men long for a beauty to rescue, hence the "superhero" phase that some (including my husband) never grow out of :). Women desire to be sought after, to be adored, to be seen, which can be seen in the dress up, jewelry wearing, makeup dawning, twirling princess stage in most little girls.  These completely different desires are complementary of one another.  This is the Lords, heart in action.  He is a warrior, he is a valiant hero. Yet He also longs to be sought after. All throughout scripture God says "Seek Me" "Know Me" "Love Me".  How much does that sound like something I have thought in my head (and at times said out loud).  God's hearts desire is for us to desire Him.  God yearns to be known, to be sought after.
     So the desire to be found beautiful and yearned for came from the Lord.  However, I feel that most women doubt that they have any genuine beauty to unveil.  I know it is one of my deepest doubts.  I am so very aware of my shortcomings, my flaws and imperfections.  I am convinced ever so easily that I have nothing to offer, that there is nothing in me that is desirable, therefore I must try to muster up some form of beauty on my own accord.  But what is deeper than that lack of confidence in my outward appearance is my lack of confidence in God.  Stasi talks about this as well... "Eve was convinced by the serpent, convinced of what?  Convinced that God was holding out on her.  Convinced that she could not trust His heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands.  And so she did.  She is the first to fall.  In disobeying God she also violated her very essence."  How difficult it is to trust that the Lord's desire is for the best possible life for me, that I can trust His heart.  He alone knows my desires, He created them!  He can fulfill that undeniable, unquenchable thirst to be known, the be seen, to be adored, He only asks the same in return.  If we should ever doubt that beauty is the essence of God, simply take a look around... nature's soul purpose is not to be functional, but to be beautiful.  Beauty is inviting, nourishing, comforting, transcendent, beauty draws us to God.

Christmas Ponderings

    As the Christmas season gets thrown into full gear I was listening to a little girl talk about how her family reads the Christmas story together each year.  She said "I think I have heard it about a million times!" I could definitely understand her sentiment, I mean how many times have we heard the song Away In a Manger, or Silent Night? It's so easy to simply go through the motions of Christmas and miss the miracle that it represents.  As a new mommy I am seeing Christmas with a fresh new perspective.  I had never thought about the event through Mary's eyes.  I mean I knew that she was a virgin, not married, and an angel told her she would give birth to the Son of God that would be the Savior of all mankind.  But I had never thought about the physical, emotional, and social changes that Mary endured during her nine (actually ten, but that's a pretty well kept secret!) months carrying Emmanuel.   I remember during my first trimester how sick I was, I mean sick sick sick and so very tired.  Did Mary feel this way?  I then remember how nervous I was about every single thing I put in my body, how much more anxious would I have been if I was carrying the Hope for Salvation?  I also remember the excitement I felt the first time I felt Lynnlee move,  I can only imagine the love that abounded in Mary the first time she felt that sensation of Jesus growing and moving!  But the moment I most remember is the moment I first laid eyes on my baby girl.  She was so beautiful, tiny, and completely helpless.  I was overjoyed, and terrified simultaneously.  I was responsible for her well-being, I was her caregiver, she NEEDED me.  Though Mary knew that Jesus would ultimately be the King of kings, He was still born a tiny, beautiful, helpless baby.  Mary had the responsibility of nursing Him, changing Him, rocking Him to sleep.  I cannot begin to fathom the depth of love and fear that Mary felt.  She loved Jesus in a way that no other person on this earth could ever love Him, she loved Him as her son.  I know I love Lynnlee deeper than any other human being on earth, Travis might run a close second ;)  I am so proud of her every accomplishment no matter how small.  Mary would have felt the same pride and joy watching Jesus take His first steps, hearing Him first say "Mama".  What a miracle Jesus' birth truly is, fully God, yet completely human.  Complete perfection in a tiny baby.  That is the reason for Christmas, that is the reason we celebrate during this season.  Jesus gave up His right as God and came to dwell, even for a little while, among men.  And the one person who would recognize just how miraculous His birth is, was the same person that probably cried tears of joy and tears of fear the night He came into this world, His mother, Mary.  This song has meant so much more to me this year than it ever has before, I will close with the lyrics to Mary Did You Know?

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am.

Bondage

   Webster's dictionary defines bondage as:  the practice of rendering people harmless, helpless or keeping them in captivity by means such as handcuffs, fetters, straightjackets, ropes, straps, or other forms of physical restraint.  In my life I can definitely identify times where I have been rendered completely useless to the Lord by a means of bondage, and let me tell you a secret... Satan wanted it that way!  If Satan can render people harmless, helpless, or hold them captive then he can incapacitate the Gospel from furthering into our culture!  And he is clever about it, Satan doesn't wave a big flashing neon sign that says "Bondage ahead!" Sometimes, oftentimes in my life anyways, it's by my own doing that bondage occurs.  Sometimes I slip those handcuffs on myself! Sometimes I allow someone else to tighten the straps on the straightjacket.  And then there are those times that I am strapped down against my will.  No matter how we got that way, bondage renders us completely useless for the Kingdom. 
     A girfriend and I are doing a study by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity".  This book has revealed a lot of areas in my life where I have been in bondage, in some cases for years.  The comparison game, the self depricating and self doubt, in myself and others, have all robbed me of the joy that can come from the Lord using me.  They have robbed me of relationships, they have robbed me of my passion, they have placed me in ropes and restraints and tied my hands behind my back.  For years I have said "I don't want to work with women, I don't even like women."  What a lie my insecurity fed me thatI have bought into.  I love women! I love our hearts, I love our passions, I love our differences and similarities.  What I don't love, what I fear most, is our rejection of one another.  Our unintentional, or intentional, harm to one another is painful to watch, and even more painful to experience.  The world says that weakness should be trampled out, that it should be hidden away.  God says, in our weakness HE is made strong.  The world says we need to look better, do more, hide any sign of vulnerability.  God says, we are fearfully and wonderfully made and that He knit us together in our mother's womb.  That sounds intentional to me! That sounds like he fashioned each nuance of my body, of my spirit, of my personality.  He created me to be exactly who I am and that I should not be ashamed that I am imperfect.  When God does something great through a vessel as fragile and feeble as myself, HIS power is made obvious to the world. HE is glorified by my weakness, if and only if I allow Him to use me.  If I allow Him to free me from my bondage in sin and fear.  If I allow Him to love others through me. 
     My story has it's share of scars, some of them were given through no wrong-doing of my own, some of them were wounds I inflicted on myself.  But if I can untether myself from the weight of shame and meet the arms of forgiveness and grace at the altar, then and only then can I be used for greater things in the Kingdom of God. Below are some lyrics to a song that speaks this freedom so eloquently.

There's a place, a place I've found
Not made of earth, not made of stone
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God

Come to this place, come seek His face
Find the hands of forgiveness
Look into the eyes of grace
Run to redemption with tears of joy and pain
Let fire fall and purify our hearts
Come to the altar, come to His arms

There's a place, a place of healing
There is no shame within your scars
This place is sacred, this place is secret
Here in the presence of a Holy God
Here in the presence of a Holy God

Come to this place, come seek His face
Find the hands of forgiveness
Look into the eyes of grace
Run to redemption with tears of joy and pain
Let fire fall and purify our hearts
Come to the altar, come to His arms

Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is God

Come to this place, come seek His face
Find the hands of forgiveness
Look into the eyes of grace
Run to redemption with tears of joy and pain
Let fire fall and purify our hearts
Come to the altar, come to His arms
     May I not be a reason that someone is in bondage.  Lord help me to be a vessel of loosening the chains that are holding us down and rendering us useless, not a vessel that tightens them!

Security

    Within the past few months pretty much every single thing that I knew to be certain in my life has changed.  If you have followed my blog at all since this summer I have talked about many of these changes. First of all, this time last year I was pregnant trying to decide what I was going to do with Lynnlee whenever I went back to work.  I soon gave my worries and fears over to the Lord and made the choice to stay at home with LJ.  This was going to be a HUGE sacrifice, financially, for Travis and I.  We were sure this was what God was calling me to but the fear was still there. Then came the transition from pregnancy to "mommy-hood".  This came quite a bit earlier than anticipated when Lynnlee made her entrance into the world 6 weeks earlier than her scheduled time!  Though this was unexpected, Lynnlee was healthy, she just wanted an earlier start!  There have also been several friendships fade out and others become prominent in this time period.  Some dissipated for reasons unknown, others for lack of common desires.  The relationships that began, as others came to a gradual end, have proven to be a blessing from the Lord during my time in transition.  Travis and I also made the difficult decision to change churches.  Though this choice was not an easy one, it has proven to be the best thing for our family.  The Lord has continued to bless us for our obedience, but for me to say I was completely secure in my decisions throughout all of these situations would be a lie.  I constantly questioned myself, my gifts, what I had to offer.  Each new arena brought out new insecurities about myself.  Would I be a good enough "stay-at-home-mom"?  What would people think about my choice not to use my degree at this time?  What would people say about Travis and I changing churches?  All of these thoughts plagued my every move.  Within the past few weeks God has been dealing with my thoughts, fears, and concerns about myself and my decisions.  I know that in all of these moves Travis and I have made the choices together.  That alone gives me a little security, Travis is in my corner, he has my back.  Another comfort is knowing that God is strong enough for each and every circumstance I encounter, good or bad.  No matter my situation I can find contentment and comfort in His enduring love and unmatchable strength.  I know that in ALL of life's many ups and downs, in all of my fears and insecurities, in all of the uncertainties that will come my way, GOD is present and active.  He does not sleep nor does He slumber,  He sees and knows each of my fears and offers comfort if I am willing to trust in Him.  I pray that I would continue to find my security in the Lord, not the world!  That I would trust My Creator to tell me the truth about myself, not society, not even the church.  If we cheapened ou worth to what the world says of us, we will miss out on the blessing that comes with taking steps in faith and believing in the sovereignty and goodness of God!  For to live, to truly live in the freedom of the Lord, is Christ! Anything other than that is a cheap knock-off that will leave us wanting.

Obedience an Acts 5 kind of faith

    Obedience, a word that I cringe when I think about.  Obedience most of the time means delayed gratification, complete denial of my fleshly desires.  Obedience is something that I have been praying for, thinking about, and implementing since Lynnlee is now crawling and getting into everything.  I must teach her to be obedient to my voice.  I must show her what is good for her as well as what is bad for her.  She does not know, she cannot have the knowledge that she needs to make the best choices for her tiny little self.  She doesn't really appreciate it when I tell her no, in fact she completely despises that word.  She cries, throws herself in the floor, and gives me the most pitiful face.  Sometimes I have to stop myself from thinking "do I really have to tell her no?"  I know the answer to that question is a resounding yes.  She must know her boundaries.  I believe that is the same way the Lord feels for us.  Obedience is of the utmost importance.  We cannot know what is good for us, we do not have the whole picture.  God does know, He sees all, He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows the chain reaction that is set in motion when we are obedient.  I was listening to a sermon today that was talking about this subject.  The scripture was on Acts 5:15-29.  The disciples had been imprisoned for the Gospel.  This was not the first time, in fact it was the second time the authorities had thrown them in prison and said "STOP! Stop spreading this nonsense around our city."  I know that if I had been imprisoned for something, not once but twice, I would hesitate to do the same thing a third time.  I mean isn't he definition of insanity doing something over and over and expecting a different result?  Well, God works in the crazy, God wants us to be crazy enough to obey.  This almost always is met with opposition, in fact we should expect it! BUT, oh and there is a but, He will accomplish great things with our obedience.  I was thinking about a time when I was obedient to the Lord's voice when it made no sense.  I can say that in that moment I knew that God had set in motion a chain reaction that I will know it's full extent when I get to heaven.  But how many times did I miss out on God's blessing by being disobedient? How many people lives were effected because I was too fearful, logical, and stubborn to follow the voice of the Lord?  God, please give me the opportunities to be obedient to Your call.  I want to know Your blessings, I want to experience Your power in a way that can only seen by crazy, illogical, obsessive obedience to You and You alone!

"Greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city"    and I long to be part of them!

Community

     It has been a while since I have written, I think that is for many reasons, the most important being that I did not feel as though I had a peace from the Lord about what to share.  This week has been pretty tough, I have been sick (walking pneumonia, but I am on the upswing) and Lynnlee Jade has officially gone mobile so she stops for no one! With my down time I have had wonderful opportunities to share in some meaningful conversations with some wonderful friends.  The topic of conversation has consistently been the need for one another and the community we desire.  This past week at church the sermon was on Philippians and Paul's letter to the church.  Paul expresses his deep affection for the people of the church and even goes as far as to say he longs for them with the affection of Jesus.  I was profoundly impacted by the intensity of those words.  I remember when Travis and I were dating, I was in college in Jackson and he was working in Hohenwald.  We would write letters, e-mails, and call often telling the each other how we longed for one another.  I missed him with a physical ache on more than one occasion.  That is what those words conjured up in my heart, Paul yearned for the church of Phillipi.  He missed them dearly.  What bond tethered him to that particular body of believers above all others?  According to the rest of the scripture it was a mutual love and longing for the furtherance of the Gospel and the love of Jesus.  They were putting "first things first".  According to Jesus the greatest command is to love the Lord with all our heart, soul, and mind, and then to love one another.  That sounds so simple, yet it's impact is profound!  I pray that I would be involved in a community of believers that is living out that principle.  I pray that I could link arms, and hearts, with other brothers and sisters in Christ and love each other and others in that way.  Ministering to the needs of unbelievers and loving them to Jesus must be the outcry of our churches today!  So what does that practically look like in my life?  It means not hiding in the congregation on Sunday mornings and slipping in and out unchanged and unnoticed.  It means bringing the messiness that is my life and getting messy with others.  It means looking for opportunities to give to a community of believers and not simply to take from them what I feel I need.  It means bringing my authentic self, the woman God created me to be, with all of my flaws, imperfections, gifts, and skills and saying "Show me where you need me".  Jesus' love is irresistible, it is fulfilling, it is worth sharing and living this life out of the overflow of that love.... with courage, conviction, and passion for the sharing in this journey with others.

Sequoia trees

     In the past few weeks I have gotten the opportunity to visit with several friends that were/are going through some very difficult trials in their lives.  Some losing a child/children, some marital discord, some financial worries, and many other situations.  I am certainly no stranger to trials in my own life and I feel so honored to be able to share the burden with some wonderful women.  During these times I continue to hear a common theme throughout the conversation; that it is so powerful to have believers to walk alongside you during your hard, dark, lonely times.  Through these relationships I have experienced the love of God through His daughters in a powerful way.  In the midst of pain and suffering He created us to lean on one another, to strengthen, to hold each other up.  The Lord intended us to walk with each other through these hardships, to hold hands and hearts, to encourage one another in His hope and mercy. 
     While I was spending time with the Lord this morning I was reading in "The Love Dare" and the author used the illustration of sequoia trees.  He said that the sequoia tree can withstand strong winds, floods, and even fires because they are one of the only species of tree that interlocks roots with one another.  This illustration made my heart swell with joy and love for the women in my life who have allowed me to "interlock roots" with them, it is by this sharing of life with each other that the Lord has ministered in abundance to me.  "Where two or more are gathered..." this is the way God intended us to love each other.

this is an image of the sequoia trees, may we be willing to interlock roots with one another with the Word of the Lord as our common bond.

Slowing down

These past few weeks have felt like a whirlwind! I started my last Fall semester, my internship, took on a position as a coordintor for a women's event at Fellowship, signed up for "Mom's and More", and took a trip with Travis and Lynnlee in the midst of all of it!  After months of being home and taking care of Lynnlee all of this felt overwhelming and burdensome.  Though each individual piece is wonderful, each piece has so much potential to grow me and teach me about the love of God, the sum of it all feels cumbersome and exhausting.  In the midst of all of the chaos I was looking through the pictures of our trip to North Carolina.  I have already uploaded them to the computer and shared some on Facebook so I was just going over the trip in my head.  Then I came across this picture...



Suddenly I remembered the beauty of God's creation... the detail He spent time crafting, each individual leaf, each cloud in the sky, each breath that I breathe in and out, He spent time creating.  He thought I was important enough to create each facet of my being, each quirk in my personality, each tiny fiber that makes up who I am.  So instead of feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and ragged I am choosing to remember that God created me with abilities and gifts and that He will provide the strength to become the woman He crafted me to be.  Sometimes I have to slow down enough to see the world around me and know that I am loved more than the sparrow, more than the flower, that if God is taking care of them, He will take care of me.

Baby Steps

      As a child I always looked forward to maturing and getting older. When I was older I could sit at the adult table, when I was older I could drive, when I was more mature I would know more. I was always looking for ways to be wiser than my years. I liked to be with the adults, I liked having all the answers, I liked independence. As time has gone on and I have gotten older I can see that in many ways I am still obsessed with the idea of maturity. I want to be through the growing process with the Lord and have everything figured out. I don't want to be in the midst of uncertainty and confusion, I don't want to get things wrong over and over. This is where the Lord met me today in my quiet time.

      Since Lynnlee has been born I want nothing more than to appreciate every single new development, no matter how small. We were so excited the first time she smiled at us, the first time she rolled over, the first time she laughed, the first time she sat up... the firsts for our little girl have been monumental! There is no wishing for her to grow faster, for her to mature, each step is so sweet.  The Lord, the Ultimate Father, must feel the same way for me. He loves each and every little bit of progress I make in my relationship with Him. He celebrates each tiny baby step toward a closer and more mature relationship with Him. He doesn't wish away any of my learning moments, He doesn't get exasperated with my failed attempts, He shows me again how to do it correctly and provides another opportunity for me to try. God celebrates each conversation had where truth is spoken in love, where grace and mercy is extended, where His Word is spoken and elevated. He looks at my life as a whole, my past, my present, and He alone knows my future. He knows where I have come from, my past failures, He sees my present circumstances and the progress made thus far, and He also sees my future, the growth that will occur and the outcome. He knows each and every tiny step in the right direction is ultimately leading me toward holiness, toward Him.

      If the Lord is celebrating my tiniest of successes and growth then I suppose I should as well! When I fail and get it all wrong I know that God is forgiving and teaching me how to do it right. I know He will provide another opportunity to try again if I am willing to learn from my past mistakes and failures. There is no rush, there is no time limit, there is only this moment and this opportunity to take baby steps toward the one who sees and celebrate each and every one of them.

When Trust Doesn't Come Easily

      Trusting the Lord seems so foundational and even elementary in the Christian walk. But if it is so elementary, why is it also so difficult? Until recent times I would have said that I trust the Lord completely. That is until I encountered a situation that I could not fix on my own. All throughout scripture the idea that that Lord is for me and my ultimate good is repeated. But what about when something bad happens? What about when the money isn't there? What about when the miracle doesn't happen? What if healing doesn't come? What if the relationship goes unmended? What if my cries go unanswered? Is God still for me then? Is God still working all things together for good? This is where the idea of trust meets the road of reality.

      God has really been working on my heart with a revelation, the revelation that this is a fallen world, a world with pain and suffering. This is not a reflection of God's neglect, it is a reflection of our humanity, our free will and sinful nature. When something bad does happen so often my first instinct is to turn to God and ask “Why?” The answer is simple, because this is an imperfect world, this is a world that we were never intended to live in. What do I do with that? I mean really, how do I reconcile that in my heart? It is with this knowledge, that God is still the orchestrator and author of all good things, that nothing is too big or too hard for the Lord. God can take that which this fallen world sees as terrible and empty of any hope and turn it into a opportunity for His love to be shown. I have experienced this often enough in my spiritual walk that I should be able trust the Lord with each moment. When I am in the place that I feel as though I cannot take one more step, that all of my tears are cried, that my heart is broken in two, it is then that the Lord comes to my rescue. He scoops me up into His loving embrace, wipes my tears, and carries me the rest of the way.

      Trials and suffering are going to exist in this broken world, sin and Satan make sure of that. It is in those moments of suffering that the choice must be made, to trust the Lord completely and know that He can take the ashes and make something beautiful from them, or to see the situation as irreparable and desolate. It is when I choose to trust that the greatest growth is experienced, it is when I let go of the wheel of my life and climb into the passenger seat (sometimes I really just need to be in the trunk so I can't try to take the wheel again!) that God can really flex His muscles, pour out His mercy and love, and make something beautiful out my pain. With all of this in mind I pray that I learn to trust the Lord without any exception, without wrestling and anxiety. That I begin to truly believe that the Lord of heaven and earth, creator of my soul, and lover of my heart is FOR ME, that He is working all things together for good. It is in that knowledge that I will find my solace and peace in tribulation and suffering.

Hugs from the Lord

      In the wake of so much heartache surrounding friends in my life now I ran across this exerpt from Beth Moore.  My heart mourns for life lost without being known, but I know the Lord is there loving them gently, embracing them and whispering words of comfort to their hearts. 
      Lord, be close to these grieving families tonight.  Rock them gently in Your arms and give them rest. 


Love me gently, Lord
I'm hurting now
I've lived to see Your sovereignty
You've taught my knees to bow
I've caught glimpses of Your glory
I've seen Your righteous ways
But not right now I need You, Father,
Just to face another day

You have promised not to always be
Exactly what I please
But you give me sweet assurance
You're exactly what I need
I need a gently Father
And the lullaby He sings
"Let Me tuck you safely
Underneath My healing wings"

Love me gently, Lord
I'm hurting now
You said, "Take Your cross and follow Me"
I beg, please show me how
To celebrate my weakness
That in You I might be strong
When desperation grips my soul
A moment seems too long

Oh, God, what noble plans I had
To do this whole thing right
Now I fall before You wounded
And I've lost the will to fight
There are soldiers all around me
They're depending on me, too
I fear I've nothing left to give
So, again I ask, Can You?

I'll love you gently, He says,
I know you're hurting now
You've oft revered my sovereignty
Your knees have dropped to bow
If you could only see things
From My throne's clear point of view
You'd see glimpses of My glory
Are fast at work in you

I'll love you gently
Let me soothe your hurting now
I've said, Pick up and follow-
I'll do more than show you how
I'll turn this Throne of brilliance
Into a rocking chair
Crawl aboard, My precious child,
And I will rock you there

A Hero's Rise

It's hard to see our heroes bleed

In them we place our salvation

We're told that they have what we need

Their lives we hold in elevation

Till one day off the pedestal they fall

And our fears revealed so clearly

They are not unbreakable after all

In fact they are humans merely

But there is one whose blood is strength

Whose tears and wounds our hope is clinging

He endured a life of pain

So we could have a chance at healing

Jesus' blood was not His weakness

His frailty and humanity shown

Calvary revealed this Hero's greatness

The payment for our sin atoned

A hero He was never called

Until the day His blood was shed

It was then He gave His all

And rose a Hero, from the dead

New beginnings

I woke up this morning and realized that it was Monday. (this happens to me once in a while since I have no real reason to know what day it is!)  Then another realization hit me... it is August 1st.  It is the beginning of a new week, beginning of a new month.  I felt inspired to start fresh this morning.  As I began my quiet time with God I was inspired once again to make some commitments...

• I commit to being more diligent in my time with the Lord.  Setting aside time to intentionally talk to God and read His Word.
• I commit to being more honest, with myself and also with others.  I wouldn't say that I am a dishonest person, but sometimes I tend to "sugar-coat" when I need to be firm and forward.
• I commit to prayer, not the "Oh Lord I need You to..." kind of prayer, but more of a "I long to spend time in Your presence" kind of prayer.
• I commit to loving better.  I long to love more like the Lord loves, unconditionally and without expectation of reciprocity.
• I commit to being more active.  Whenever I am intentional about my health I feel more motivated to tackle other areas of my life.
• I commit to eating better/drinking more water.  I want to be the kind of example to Lynnlee that she can model as she gets older.
• and finally I commit to relying on the Lord to help me in my pursuit of these things.  I know that without His grace and mercy each day none of these things would be possible.

So now I am asking for help.  I am asking for partnership. I am asking for accountability.  Have you ever felt the need for a fresh start? If so, why not today?

Authenticity and Forgiveness

     In the past few weeks I have spoken with a lot of women about one common theme... authenticity, more importantly their desire for it in their own lives and the lives of those they are in relationship with. So this has gotten me thinking, why is authenticity so hard to come across and so hard to accomplish? In my own life authenticity is at constant battle with the opinions others have of me. I am constantly battling thoughts like “Does she like me?” “Why don't they want to talk to me?” “Am I really okay?” and so on.

     Well after spending some serious time with the Lord today I have come to the conclusion that authenticity begins with forgiveness. Allow me to explain my thinking: you see in order to be authentic we must be vulnerable with those around us. We must allow them to see us for who we really are, not the rosy picture that we so desperately paint as to hide the areas we are most afraid of exposing. In order to do this impossible task we must understand that God longs to forgive those hidden areas if we are willing to confess our downfalls and accept His forgiveness.

     Then comes the work of forgiving ourselves. Now, I must admit that I am so bad at this. I am so hard on myself. I look in the mirror more days than not and have to reinforce the truth that God has spoken over me “You are forgiven and loved.” Even though I hold this knowledge in my head I must make it a reality in my heart before I am able to be authentic with those in my life. I must acknowledge my imperfections and faults, accept forgiveness from the Lord, and then choose to walk in the love He has given me.

     As if that is not enough hard work, authenticity also requires forgiveness of others. When you are being authentic you are vulnerable to other parties reaction to your authenticity. What if they reject you? What if they can't see your true intentions? What if they hurt you? These are all realities of a fallen world with human beings living in it. But when we are hurt by the actions of others we must go back to the truth that God says about us “You are forgiven and loved.” On the flip side of that same coin we must offer grace to one another in our journey to authenticity. Each person is on a different place on the journey, each person is dealing with their beliefs about themselves and others, each person will make mistakes along the way.

     Authenticity may be desired and even expected in our relationships, but in order to be authentic we must first be full of grace and completely assured of the Lord's love and forgiveness for us. Through forgiveness of ourselves and of others comes freedom to be the authentic version of who God created us to be. And that person is worthy of being known.

What doesn't kill you makes you look more like Christ

     This past year has truly been such a transitional period for me. It went from just Travis and I with no responsibility to anything or anyone but each other, to daddy and mommy-hood. We wanted more than anything to be parents and Lynnlee Jade could not be more of a blessing, but with this change came more responsibility... ALOT more! We felt an overwhelming sense of accountability to the Lord for the gift He had given us. He was trusting us with her life, with her soul. Wow! Even now when I look at her and see her growing up way too fast I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for this precious opportunity. Being her mommy is one of the most challenging, most growing experiences of my life. Watching Travis be her daddy is the most precious sight to see, I don't think I have ever loved that man more than I do today.  However, I see so many of my flaws clearly as I fumble through parenthood feeling like I am wearing a blind fold through an obstacle course. But somehow through all of this the Lord is growing my heart, I am learning how to love and have grace, how to be patient, how to be selfless. I know it is forever changing me, changing my heart.
     With this wonderful gift and responsibility has come some heartache as well. I want more than anything to do things the right way. This has always been an issue for me, I wanted to have the right answers, I wanted to be on the right path at all times. As I am getting older I see that sometimes the right answers cannot just be taught to you or read from a book, sometimes you have to try the wrong way to learn how to do it right the next time. So there it is, the ugly truth, the part of me that I try to hide every time I encounter a new situation or take on a new responsibility... I am so totally and completely imperfect. I know that God sometimes looks at me and has to be thinking “Courtney, if you would just listen you wouldn't have to learn EVERYTHING the hard way.” But He is always there, after I have fallen on my face, with open arms as if to say it's okay you will do better next time. My basketball coach in high school used to say “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” I have thought about that phrase so much in the past months. I believe that it is not only correct physically, but so imperative to my spiritual journey. Pain is weakness leaving the body, but pain is also a way of correcting and steering me to the path that I was meant to follow. What doesn't kill me will teach me how to be more like Christ, how to be more holy. There will be bruises and heartaches along the journey but it is the ultimate goal, the goal of being one with Christ, that allows us to grow from these hardships. The becoming is just as important as the finished product. The becoming is all the things that happen in between, the becoming is life.

Love is a battlefield

     Okay I know that the title of this blog entry is a bit convoluted. But stick with me, I promise I have a point.  I have been doing a lot of praying and soul searching about my relationship with my husband. Travis and I have been together for 8 years now, 4 of them we were dating. We certainly have had our shares of highs and lows during those years together. When we first started dating we were kids, we had no idea what was in store for our relationship, the only thing we knew was that we were kinda crazy about each other. We were the hopeless romantics, the couple you see and think “good grief that sweetness is making me nauseous!” Those of you who have been in a relationship know the emotion I am referring to... we called each other incessantly, wrote letters to each other when we were apart, did over the top romantic gestures for no reason, felt the overwhelming rush when we held hands or kissed, and swore that we would always feel that way for each other. Fast forward eight years and here we are, now don't get me wrong I am still a hopeless romantic. Travis is still the only man for me, but if I am being honest there are days that I feel that the everyday routine is more commonly experienced than any feeling of mushy gushy romance or excitement. From my last entry about desiring approval and acceptance you could see how this could create issues for my marriage.

     I long to be romanced, to be longed for, to feel special, as do a lot of women I assume. But when the everyday busyness overtakes the ability for Travis to connect emotionally I begin to search for that feeling of approval from other places. In my past I have searched for it from other people only to turn up empty. I have searched for it in my own busyness only to reach the point of exhaustion still longing for my heart to be filled. A few weeks ago I made the decision to start pursuing Travis by reading The Love Dare. I have had the book for several years and never could make it longer than 2 weeks. I would start it and get frustrated with Travis' lack of response toward me. This time I heard the Lord calling me to make myself vulnerable with my husband with no expectation of any certain response. Several weeks into the book I read a passage that was speaking about the fulfillment of the Lord in our lives. The passage stated: “every day you place expectations on your spouse. Sometimes they meet them, sometimes they don't. But they will never be able to totally satisfy the demands that you ask of them.” When I read those words I knew that I had been placing unreasonable demands on Travis to fill the place in my heart that ached for acceptance. God then began to speak to me about His desire to fill that place and give my heart the love I have always searched for.

I began to think about the story of Jesus and the woman at the well. He was trying to help her to understand that the living water He was offering would allow her to never be empty again, to never thirst for love again. I have an understanding for that woman's frustration and confusion, this world often promises fulfillment and acceptance in the form of relationships, money, children, careers, even religion. But once we begin to travel down those paths we quickly find ourselves empty and lost. That is because there is space in our hearts that nothing can completely fill, nothing that is but the Lord. We are made to worship, we are created with a desire for companionship with God. Without that relationship we are always going to feel a lack of completion. A disconnect from those we place that expectation upon, the expectation that they will never be able to to fulfill. Even though I understand that concept, on those days I am feeling empty and disconnected I have to consciously battle with myself about the source of those emotions. Is it really a lack of connection from my husband? Or is it that I have not allowed God to come in and fill me with HIS love, the never ending, always sufficient love of our Lord. This is a battle epic proportions, it is a battle for our hearts.

The addiction of acceptance and approval

     Okay I have to be completely honest, this entry is one that is rather hard for me to put out there for the entire world to have access to.  However, since it is hard I know that it is the Lord that will speak through the words I will write. 
I have an addiction.  No it isn't drugs, alcohol, or even food, my addiction is the approval and acceptance of man.  I have, in recent years, described myself as a "people pleaser", in an almost prideful way as if being pleasing to people is a goal to strive for.  But as I am going through the process of getting real with the Lord and being real with those around me, I see that being real and pleasing people are rather difficult to marry together.  I had a wonderful conversation with a family member over the Fourth of July weekend, we were talking about experiencing a freedom in Christ and the joy and fulfillment that only He can bring.  She said "once you experience that type of relationship with the Lord you just want to share it with everyone you care about".  I told her I completely agree, but later that night was laying in bed contemplating if I truly live out that statement.  Do I really live my life and speak the truth in a way that leads those I love closer to a relationship of realness with God?  Or, in an attempt to keep feathers from ruffling, do I allow them to continue down a path that leads to more distance, more shame, more emptiness? 
     When I look back on my walk with the Lord I see that path riddled with signs of my own desperation for acceptance from men.  I see empty relationships that led to shame and lies.  I see vain attempts at beauty that absorbed me so completely that I would starve myself for a second glance from a boy.  I see silent screams for love and approval from my father to the extent that I would accept nothing less than perfection from myself.  What did all of these journeys leave me with?  They left me with pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, isolation, and most of all they left me with emptiness.  If that was the end of my story this blog would not be worth writing.  But I can joyfully say it is not the end, it was but a fraction of the picture that God was longing to paintfor me if I would give Him the paintbrush and allow Him to fix the mess I was making.  After years of trying to correct the attempts of painting my own story on the canvas of my life, I found myself in my living room, a 21 year old woman, unhappy with almost every aspect of my existence. I was literally on my face crying out to the Lord that I could not continue living my life this way.  It was in that moment that I finally loosened my death grip, allowed my white knuckles to open and given over paint brush to someone so much greater, the Master Artist. 
     Now don't hear me say that there aren't days that I still struggle with approval and acceptance.  In nearly every new situation I have to dialogue with myself and the Lord that I am a new creation, a brand new creature.  I do not need the approval of those around me as long as I know that God is in my corner.  That He has control of the outcome of my painting.  That I am truly a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.  I am a beautiful work of art.
     That is what I want to share with all of those who read this entry.  There is a greater story, a more beautiful painting, if we are willing to relinquish the power of the paintbrush to one who is greater than Picaso.  The Lord loves to make something beautiful out of what man looks at and says is a mess.  He loves to take the hearts of those who are willing and make them more... more beautiful, more real.

My very first blog entry... :)

Hello blog world! I honestly never thought I would hear myself say those words! To be completely honest, I'm not sure I have ever thought of myself as having anything important enough to say for me to create a blog.  I'm still not quite sure about having anything important to say about myself alone, but I know that God has given me a passion, a story, and a voice! I am oh so excited to see what He has for me, and for those who choose to follow this blog!


I'm not positive as to what direction I am going to take this project, but I can say that whatever words I have to share will come from a place that is honest and sincere. So in the spirit of honest sincerity here goes... :)


The past few months have been all about changes, transitions if you will.  I have gone from a Master's student, working woman, busy bee wife to a stay-at-home mommy, beginner chef, part-time student, full time homemaker. Can I just be honest and say that this transition was not nearly as "seamless" as I wanted to believe it would be.  I had gone from busy busy busy to being home all day, every day!  What a huge change that was!  When I began thinking back on what it was that was the hardest for me to adjust to, it wasn't what most thought it would be... it wasn't that I didn't enjoy being home all day, or that I was "cooped up" with a newborn.  It was the fact that without all of my busy-ness I wasn't sure who I was.  If I wasn't a full time student/working woman then where did my identity lie?  This is where the Lord ever so sweetly met me one afternoon during Lynnlee's nap time.  He firmly but gently began to peel back the layers upon layers of my insecurities and reveal the woman that He created me to be.  He was casting light in areas of my life hidden by the piles of things that had been shadowing who He so longed for me to become.  This is an ever present, ongoing event. He is continually showing me who I am in HIM, not according to the world's standards. 


So there you have it, thoughts from a lesser woman so to say.  This blog will be about the journey that God has begun in my heart, the journey to a deeper relationship with Him and those in my life, the journey to freedom from the world's standards of women, the journey of transformation.