When Oceans Rise

     These past few months God has been doing some major work in my heart.   It's been like Extreme Makeover, Heart of Courtney Edition.  I feel like He came in and took a look around and thought, "that wall is coming down, we are going to open this space up and create a much more inviting atmosphere  in here".  This is not the first time I have felt this massive shift in my heart, but somehow it feels brand new, exciting, life giving!  It all started about three months ago when my husband came to me and said "I'm going to start my own business and I have one month to do it, by the way my boss is firing me as of the end of the month." As you can imagine this didn't go over super smoothly, don't get me wrong I completely believed in Travis, I believed in his abilities and trusted his instincts that this was the best direction to head in, however, I grew up in a home of business owners and know how taxing, uncertain, and unbelievably exhausting this process can be.  So after my meltdown of sorts I went to Travis and confessed my fears, but got behind him 100%.  I knew this was going to be a journey that God was going to use to do more work on me so I was ready to buckle in and get going on this ride.  And then it began, the uncertainty in money, the long hours being gone from home, the "learning the hard way", business ownership stuff.  And that's when God peeled back some of the wall paper I had decorating the walls in my heart and revealed some really ugly things underneath.  You see as much as I want to believe that I "love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength" the reality is this, I was finding my security in a lot of other things, most of all money.  And this was my opportunity to either allow God to keep stripping that pretty wall paper and revealing the ugliness underneath, or to ask Him to kindly stop and leave my beautifully decorated walls alone.  I chose the first, I mean once you know what's under there the best things to do is finish the job right?  So, three months go by, the money is still uncertain, the bills have been paid (some of them late, but they got paid, praise Jesus!) and best of all not only has God been able to strip the wall paper but He has also knocked those walls down and made my heart space so much bigger!  I have learned to trust Him more and more through this process and wouldn't change this season for all the riches in the world.  Let me tell you, it's not pretty, some days I have to stop every few minutes, collect my wandering mind, and pray the God will be my source of security, the only source that is permanent and sustaining.  But He has!  I have seen Him answer prayers in the most peculiar of ways, I have grown a community of women around me that are comfortable with my vulnerability and encourage me to continue being real.  I am incredibly grateful for the heart space that God created that allows more people in, more of Him.  I am still a work in progress, I think this renovation will be an ongoing one, and I am okay with that.  But praise God that those walls will never look the same, I will be forever changed by this process and that is worth all of the mess! This is a song that God has been using over and over in my heart during this process.  The lyrics resonate in my soul and I pray that I never go back! "I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine!"