After the celebration

It seems like it has been a while since I have written last.  So much has happened since then… I did in fact graduate from Grad School.  Travis and I celebrated our 5^th anniversary.  And somewhere in the midst of the celebrating my heart began to grow cold, distant, fearful.   I made a promise to my sister whenever I was debating starting this blog, the promise was that I would always be honest about what I was writing.  I would not censor myself for the sake of an audience.  I would not “pretend” things were okay when they weren’t.  Because of that promise I have often taken breaks from blogging while I was in the midst of some trials or hard times.  This time, however, I feel God prompting me to share my heart.  This is the first time in my entire life that the path for my future was not clearly laid out before me.  For the first time the “lull” in my schedule is not temporary, but rather indefinite.  I love that, really I do, my heart sighs of relief every time Sunday rolls around and I realize, wait, I have nothing pressing to do to be ready for this week!  However, I have also realized that my heart is not disciplined enough for this much free time.  My emotions begin to run amok and my mind becomes a playground for my emotions to run around like a small child.  So this is me being honest, this is my true state of being.  My natural inclination is to run to the next thing I can volunteer with in order to fill my free time.  And maybe, in the end, that is what God will ask me to do.  But for now I feel like I need to resist the urge to bury my heart in busyness and figure out where in my heart lies the inability to function in free time.  I am praying that as I continue this journey of motherhood and wifedom that I will learn how to be consistent in the stillness.  That I would not need to be so busy running from one thing to the next to function fully.  God please forgive me, my flesh is still so weak.  Forgive my emotional wanderings; forgive my lack of motivation and conviction to run to You.  Let Your grace Lord like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee, Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love, here’s my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.                                      

When the seas are calm...

The past couple months have been full of good things… blessings from the Lord.  Travis’ new job is going really well, he loves what he is doing and he is doing it so well!  I am ALMOST done with my Master’s degree (graduation is May 12^th; I can see the finish line!)  Our 5 year wedding anniversary is at the end of this month (we have been together for almost nine years, if you don’t know our story).  We are really digging in and serving at our church and getting to know our church family more and more.  Things are going pretty smoothly at the moment.  My tendency, my natural urge, is to worry about what is coming in the future.  I find myself thinking “what is the next storm going to look like, what will it consist of, what will it mean for me?” I am such a “worrier” and have serious control issues.  Throughout the years I have been more comfortable in the midst of a storm than sailing the smooth seas.  At least when I’m in the storm it’s not in the category of “the unknown”.  This is crazy I know, I mean who in their right mind would say such a thing?  God really spoke to me during my prayer time this morning and reminded me of a scripture in Proverbs, a scripture I should be completely familiar with considering I have just done not one but two studies on the subject matter.  (I am a slow learner and usually have to learn things the hard way, not a characteristic I am particularly proud of)  The verse is Proverbs 31:25; “She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come”.  This verse doesn’t say “there will be nothing bad in the days to come”, it doesn’t give us the illusion that the days to come are going to be easy and storm free.  Instead, what this verse says is that because of the God-given strength and dignity of this woman she is able to look at calamity in the face and LAUGH?!  God reminded me that He is the author and creator of my soul, He is the writer of my story, and He alone knows what is impending in the future.  All He asks of me is that I trust in Him; love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  When I am doing this well I truly can “laugh at the days to come”, if my God is for me who or what could be against me?  So this is what I am learning:  I am learning to be content in the times of blessing and calm, I am learning to “be still and know that He is God”, I am learning to sail the seas in the moment of calm preparing for the next storm by trusting in the Captain (I mean that only makes sense considering He created the seas), I am learning that my strength and dignity comes not from myself but from God, I am learning to “laugh at the days to come”.