This has proven to be one of the hardest, longest, most painful weeks of my life. The kind of week that seems to last for years and years. We announced on Sunday afternoon that we were expecting a baby this Fall. We were so excited to be adding to our little clan and couldn't wait to begin celebrating with those in our lives! After two fairly uneventful pregnancies, this one seemed to be following suit. I woke up Monday morning, it was a beautiful day, and decided to meet some friends at the park. I felt really energized and was thrilled to be outside in the sunshine. That night around 9:00 I began experiencing cramping and soon recognized that these symptoms were not normal and started worrying about the baby. Monday night was the longest night I've had in a long time, between cramping and the nausea I was fighting back anxiety by praying over the baby and myself, and waking Travis up to pray over me. The morning light came and we decided it was time to go to the hospital. They took blood and did and ultrasound within moments I overheard a nurse in the hall saying "there was no measurable heartbeat" and I knew that they were talking about me. About my baby. My sweet little one that we already loved so dearly. When the doctor came in I could tell immediately that she had already been crying, and this sweet lady delivered the most heartbreaking news, we had lost our baby. There was no heartbeat. Our sweet little one had gone on to be with Jesus. And that I was going to begin the process of miscarrying at any moment. We cried, prayed, held each other, and silently I got dressed. As we walked to the car, our whole world crashing down around us, God began working in my heart, in my spirit. The best way to summarize this experience and where we are today is to allow you a glimpse into the heart and thoughts of my time with The Lord. I hope that this is hope giving and uplifting to anyone who reads it...
God, Father, Healer, how I need You today. My empty womb, aching with loneliness, fear, pain and yet also peace needs You. God, only You can make beauty from shattered pieces of broken hearts. Only You can create something lovely from the brutality of losing a life. This little one, never known, never seen, but held safely all the days of its life, this short vapor of an existence was held close to my heart every second of its own heart beating. God, You see all of this child, every single detail of its DNA, every nuance of its personality, every outward expression of the union of its Mommy and Daddy. And this child, thought never known this side of eternity, will be loved all the days of our lives, will be carried in our hearts as long as we walk this earth, and one glorious day our eyes and hearts will behold the tiny face of our Lost One. Because Lord we know that what seems lost to us, has never for one second been lost to You. You held, and still hold, this precious baby in Your hands and now in Your presence. So until the day of reuniting, we rest in the peace that comes only from knowing You. A peace that surpasses all understanding. One day we will see this face, this life, and even more gloriously, Your own face. Thank You for each moment we had, we will know Your love, grace, and mercy more fully because we experienced this journey of love and loss. In Jesus do we put our hope and our trust.
Isaiah 66:9
"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born."
