I am a woman whose heart yearns for realness. Realness for myself, but also realness for women around me, for I know with realness comes freedom! I long for greater confidence in Christ and hope to inspire those I come into contact with to feel the same. This is a blog about my journey to transform into something more beautiful, something more real, like a butterfly. These are ponderings from a willing heart.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

The Artist

     Okay, someone please tell me that they have days like this... hard, hard, long days.  You know, the ones where you wake up and within moments you realize this is not going to be a day to write home about.  In fact this might even be a day to write down to remind yourself that things could get worse.  That, my friends, was my day yesterday.  To say that I handled it with grace and patience would be a gross overstatement of the truth.  I can say this, my children survived, I survived, the house survived (barely), and it is a new day.  This has been a really long hard season of cold weather, financial hardship, and sickness in the Tidwell household. So each day that passes and the sun rises I feel a little bit more ragged, but also a little bit more hopeful.  I remember the Bible says that each morning His mercies are new.  I get to restart, I get to recenter my heart and mind and focus on the things that are eternal, the things that matter. 
     I am learning, but I am a really slow learner sometimes.  This morning, however, the Lord reminded me that I am imperfect, I am flawed, I am human... but that He loves me and He isn't done with me yet.  These are the days that are shaping me, making me the woman and creature He sees.  I have heard many times about the statue of David that Michelangelo created.  You know, the famous one.  (Don't worry if you didn't know it was created by Michelangelo, I had to look it up... I'm not just smart like that!) But I do remember the story of someone asking Michelangelo how he creates such beautiful art out of a hunk of rock.  He said something like this... I look at the unshaped stone and chisel away all of the pieces that don't belong.  I look at the stone and see the finished product and just cut away the pieces until it is revealed.  
     Powerful... the Lord brought this to my mind as I was feeling really useless and like an utter failure this morning.  I haven't been patient with my children, my house is in constant disarray and I shouldn't care because all the "good moms" don't care about their house being messy due to their children.  (Side note: I just wonder if these "good moms" have the same tiny tornadoes living under their roofs?)  I have been irritable with my husband.... and the list could go on.  You know, the voice you hear when The Accuser really gets in your ear.  But as I sat in tears this morning, just praying for peace and patience with my family, and trying to figure out why I felt so out of sorts, God reminded me that He is my Creator, my Artist, the Michelangelo of my unshaped soul.  And He sees the finished product, He sees what is underneath all of the rough edges and jagged parts.  And that He is still working on me.  Just as I pray to have grace for others I need to pray for grace for myself.  He is using these times, these seasons of exhaustion and survival, to reveal the creation underneath, like a chisel, chipping away the jagged edges.  (This process is unending and uncomfortable, but totally worth it!) And one day, at the end of this string of time we call life, I will be the perfect creature He sees, but until then I strive to love others, give grace and patience and mercy to them and also to myself... and trust The Artist to do the rest.  

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Dangling off the edge (Warning: these photographs just might prick your heart!)

image by Elena Shumilova


The photographer posted above has captured my heart and my soul in photographs.  I am not a connoisseur of photography or anything. I simply recognize what stirs in my heart.  This is one of those photographs that stopped me in my tracks.  I could hear the Holy Spirit in my soul whispering and wooing me.  This is the season of life I am in... my family is in. It is not a "bad" season, it's really beautiful in its own way.  It is a season of standing on the edge of the known and looking out into the waters of the unknown, toes dangling off the edge, trusting that whatever is on the other side of that step is in God's hands.  I look at this photograph and feel the peace of the Lord running through my body, from my fingertips to my tiptoes. I know that I know that the Lord is for me, I know that He will never leave me, I know He knows all, sees all... I know He has a plan.  I also know that does not mean an "easy life", a carefree life, a life I can handle... it means a life He can handle and I simply have to take that next step in faith, just trust Him.  I am grateful for this season of learning unconditional trust in God.  I am learning that the temporal things of this world are not my goal of life, my goal of life is the eternal, and the eternal is not learned or seen from the dock, it is only experienced in the "unknown", the step after your toes are dangling off the edge.  I am ready and willing Lord.  Teach me to know You, to trust You more, for alone are worthy. 

P.S. for more photographs from Elena follow this link...
http://www.boredpanda.com/animal-children-photography-elena-shumilova/
She is truly phenomenal... This photograph spoke to my soul as well...
 animal-children-photography-elena-shumilova-21Run with abandon soul! Go after God's promises!

Friday, January 3, 2014

The wise man builds his house upon the rock

     Wow, two blog posts in one month... that should say one thing... God is working out something serious in my heart.  This season, the past month or so, has been, shall we say, not unlike a roller coaster.  My heart is full and exhausted, my mind is racing and empty, my schedule is booked and unknown.  If these sound a little oxymoronical, tell me about it! We have had some of our best moments in this season, some of our sweetest memories have been made, some of our most God-revealing provisions.  However, we have also had the most unknowns handed to us, the most faith-requiring decisions to make, and the most "doesn't make sense to the world" leaps to take.  I am excited, I am anxious, I am hopeful, I am uncertain... I am tired.  God continues to woo me into His presence with a beckoning of rest.  "Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest".  I am reminded of the praise song that God wooed me with some years ago...
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hands
Lay back against you and breathe
and feel your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming
That picture, that peace, that intimacy with God is what I am desiring.  If I am to be overwhelmed, may I be overwhelmed by the Lord.  He is the only person, thing, situation, worthy of overwhelming me.  So with that foundation laid, let me explain what He is doing in my heart today...
     That old Sunday School song... The wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock and the rain came tumbling down, the rain came down and the floods came up but the house on the rock stood firm. Well, I woke up this morning singing that song. (I am aware that you are probably going to sing this song in your head all day... your welcome!)  God was asking me... where is your house built? Is it on sinking sand or on Christ the solid rock? If it is truly on Christ the solid rock than the wind may come, the rain may fall, the waves may crash, but the house will stand.  It will get wet, it will creak in the wind, it may take a beating, but in the end the house will still stand.  We are not promised not to experience the wind, the rain, the crashing waves.  We are not told to be unaffected by the storm, to stand there completely unfeeling.  We are just told to trust in our foundation... On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.  This is our hope, our assurance, our foundation.  Jesus, only Jesus.