I am a woman whose heart yearns for realness. Realness for myself, but also realness for women around me, for I know with realness comes freedom! I long for greater confidence in Christ and hope to inspire those I come into contact with to feel the same. This is a blog about my journey to transform into something more beautiful, something more real, like a butterfly. These are ponderings from a willing heart.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Slowing down

These past few weeks have felt like a whirlwind! I started my last Fall semester, my internship, took on a position as a coordintor for a women's event at Fellowship, signed up for "Mom's and More", and took a trip with Travis and Lynnlee in the midst of all of it!  After months of being home and taking care of Lynnlee all of this felt overwhelming and burdensome.  Though each individual piece is wonderful, each piece has so much potential to grow me and teach me about the love of God, the sum of it all feels cumbersome and exhausting.  In the midst of all of the chaos I was looking through the pictures of our trip to North Carolina.  I have already uploaded them to the computer and shared some on Facebook so I was just going over the trip in my head.  Then I came across this picture...


Suddenly I remembered the beauty of God's creation... the detail He spent time crafting, each individual leaf, each cloud in the sky, each breath that I breathe in and out, He spent time creating.  He thought I was important enough to create each facet of my being, each quirk in my personality, each tiny fiber that makes up who I am.  So instead of feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and ragged I am choosing to remember that God created me with abilities and gifts and that He will provide the strength to become the woman He crafted me to be.  Sometimes I have to slow down enough to see the world around me and know that I am loved more than the sparrow, more than the flower, that if God is taking care of them, He will take care of me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Baby Steps

      As a child I always looked forward to maturing and getting older. When I was older I could sit at the adult table, when I was older I could drive, when I was more mature I would know more. I was always looking for ways to be wiser than my years. I liked to be with the adults, I liked having all the answers, I liked independence. As time has gone on and I have gotten older I can see that in many ways I am still obsessed with the idea of maturity. I want to be through the growing process with the Lord and have everything figured out. I don't want to be in the midst of uncertainty and confusion, I don't want to get things wrong over and over. This is where the Lord met me today in my quiet time.
      Since Lynnlee has been born I want nothing more than to appreciate every single new development, no matter how small. We were so excited the first time she smiled at us, the first time she rolled over, the first time she laughed, the first time she sat up... the firsts for our little girl have been monumental! There is no wishing for her to grow faster, for her to mature, each step is so sweet.  The Lord, the Ultimate Father, must feel the same way for me. He loves each and every little bit of progress I make in my relationship with Him. He celebrates each tiny baby step toward a closer and more mature relationship with Him. He doesn't wish away any of my learning moments, He doesn't get exasperated with my failed attempts, He shows me again how to do it correctly and provides another opportunity for me to try. God celebrates each conversation had where truth is spoken in love, where grace and mercy is extended, where His Word is spoken and elevated. He looks at my life as a whole, my past, my present, and He alone knows my future. He knows where I have come from, my past failures, He sees my present circumstances and the progress made thus far, and He also sees my future, the growth that will occur and the outcome. He knows each and every tiny step in the right direction is ultimately leading me toward holiness, toward Him.
      If the Lord is celebrating my tiniest of successes and growth then I suppose I should as well! When I fail and get it all wrong I know that God is forgiving and teaching me how to do it right. I know He will provide another opportunity to try again if I am willing to learn from my past mistakes and failures. There is no rush, there is no time limit, there is only this moment and this opportunity to take baby steps toward the one who sees and celebrate each and every one of them.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

When Trust Doesn't Come Easily


      Trusting the Lord seems so foundational and even elementary in the Christian walk. But if it is so elementary, why is it also so difficult? Until recent times I would have said that I trust the Lord completely. That is until I encountered a situation that I could not fix on my own. All throughout scripture the idea that that Lord is for me and my ultimate good is repeated. But what about when something bad happens? What about when the money isn't there? What about when the miracle doesn't happen? What if healing doesn't come? What if the relationship goes unmended? What if my cries go unanswered? Is God still for me then? Is God still working all things together for good? This is where the idea of trust meets the road of reality.
      God has really been working on my heart with a revelation, the revelation that this is a fallen world, a world with pain and suffering. This is not a reflection of God's neglect, it is a reflection of our humanity, our free will and sinful nature. When something bad does happen so often my first instinct is to turn to God and ask “Why?” The answer is simple, because this is an imperfect world, this is a world that we were never intended to live in. What do I do with that? I mean really, how do I reconcile that in my heart? It is with this knowledge, that God is still the orchestrator and author of all good things, that nothing is too big or too hard for the Lord. God can take that which this fallen world sees as terrible and empty of any hope and turn it into a opportunity for His love to be shown. I have experienced this often enough in my spiritual walk that I should be able trust the Lord with each moment. When I am in the place that I feel as though I cannot take one more step, that all of my tears are cried, that my heart is broken in two, it is then that the Lord comes to my rescue. He scoops me up into His loving embrace, wipes my tears, and carries me the rest of the way.
      Trials and suffering are going to exist in this broken world, sin and Satan make sure of that. It is in those moments of suffering that the choice must be made, to trust the Lord completely and know that He can take the ashes and make something beautiful from them, or to see the situation as irreparable and desolate. It is when I choose to trust that the greatest growth is experienced, it is when I let go of the wheel of my life and climb into the passenger seat (sometimes I really just need to be in the trunk so I can't try to take the wheel again!) that God can really flex His muscles, pour out His mercy and love, and make something beautiful out my pain. With all of this in mind I pray that I learn to trust the Lord without any exception, without wrestling and anxiety. That I begin to truly believe that the Lord of heaven and earth, creator of my soul, and lover of my heart is FOR ME, that He is working all things together for good. It is in that knowledge that I will find my solace and peace in tribulation and suffering.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Hugs from the Lord

      In the wake of so much heartache surrounding friends in my life now I ran across this exerpt from Beth Moore.  My heart mourns for life lost without being known, but I know the Lord is there loving them gently, embracing them and whispering words of comfort to their hearts. 
      Lord, be close to these grieving families tonight.  Rock them gently in Your arms and give them rest. 


Love me gently, Lord
I'm hurting now
I've lived to see Your sovereignty
You've taught my knees to bow
I've caught glimpses of Your glory
I've seen Your righteous ways
But not right now I need You, Father,
Just to face another day

You have promised not to always be
Exactly what I please
But you give me sweet assurance
You're exactly what I need
I need a gently Father
And the lullaby He sings
"Let Me tuck you safely
Underneath My healing wings"

Love me gently, Lord
I'm hurting now
You said, "Take Your cross and follow Me"
I beg, please show me how
To celebrate my weakness
That in You I might be strong
When desperation grips my soul
A moment seems too long

Oh, God, what noble plans I had
To do this whole thing right
Now I fall before You wounded
And I've lost the will to fight
There are soldiers all around me
They're depending on me, too
I fear I've nothing left to give
So, again I ask, Can You?

I'll love you gently, He says,
I know you're hurting now
You've oft revered my sovereignty
Your knees have dropped to bow
If you could only see things
From My throne's clear point of view
You'd see glimpses of My glory
Are fast at work in you

I'll love you gently
Let me soothe your hurting now
I've said, Pick up and follow-
I'll do more than show you how
I'll turn this Throne of brilliance
Into a rocking chair
Crawl aboard, My precious child,
And I will rock you there

Friday, August 5, 2011

A Hero's Rise

It's hard to see our heroes bleed
In them we place our salvation
We're told that they have what we need
Their lives we hold in elevation
Till one day off the pedestal they fall
And our fears revealed so clearly
They are not unbreakable after all
In fact they are humans merely
But there is one whose blood is strength
Whose tears and wounds our hope is clinging
He endured a life of pain
So we could have a chance at healing
Jesus' blood was not His weakness
His frailty and humanity shown
Calvary revealed this Hero's greatness
The payment for our sin atoned
A hero He was never called
Until the day His blood was shed
It was then He gave His all
And rose a Hero, from the dead

Monday, August 1, 2011

New beginnings

I woke up this morning and realized that it was Monday. (this happens to me once in a while since I have no real reason to know what day it is!)  Then another realization hit me... it is August 1st.  It is the beginning of a new week, beginning of a new month.  I felt inspired to start fresh this morning.  As I began my quiet time with God I was inspired once again to make some commitments...
  • I commit to being more diligent in my time with the Lord.  Setting aside time to intentionally talk to God and read His Word.
  • I commit to being more honest, with myself and also with others.  I wouldn't say that I am a dishonest person, but sometimes I tend to "sugar-coat" when I need to be firm and forward.
  • I commit to prayer, not the "Oh Lord I need You to..." kind of prayer, but more of a "I long to spend time in Your presence" kind of prayer.
  • I commit to loving better.  I long to love more like the Lord loves, unconditionally and without expectation of reciprocity.
  • I commit to being more active.  Whenever I am intentional about my health I feel more motivated to tackle other areas of my life.
  • I commit to eating better/drinking more water.  I want to be the kind of example to Lynnlee that she can model as she gets older.
  • and finally I commit to relying on the Lord to help me in my pursuit of these things.  I know that without His grace and mercy each day none of these things would be possible.
So now I am asking for help.  I am asking for partnership. I am asking for accountability.  Have you ever felt the need for a fresh start? If so, why not today?