I am a woman whose heart yearns for realness. Realness for myself, but also realness for women around me, for I know with realness comes freedom! I long for greater confidence in Christ and hope to inspire those I come into contact with to feel the same. This is a blog about my journey to transform into something more beautiful, something more real, like a butterfly. These are ponderings from a willing heart.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Authenticity and Forgiveness

     In the past few weeks I have spoken with a lot of women about one common theme... authenticity, more importantly their desire for it in their own lives and the lives of those they are in relationship with. So this has gotten me thinking, why is authenticity so hard to come across and so hard to accomplish? In my own life authenticity is at constant battle with the opinions others have of me. I am constantly battling thoughts like “Does she like me?” “Why don't they want to talk to me?” “Am I really okay?” and so on.
     Well after spending some serious time with the Lord today I have come to the conclusion that authenticity begins with forgiveness. Allow me to explain my thinking: you see in order to be authentic we must be vulnerable with those around us. We must allow them to see us for who we really are, not the rosy picture that we so desperately paint as to hide the areas we are most afraid of exposing. In order to do this impossible task we must understand that God longs to forgive those hidden areas if we are willing to confess our downfalls and accept His forgiveness.
     Then comes the work of forgiving ourselves. Now, I must admit that I am so bad at this. I am so hard on myself. I look in the mirror more days than not and have to reinforce the truth that God has spoken over me “You are forgiven and loved.” Even though I hold this knowledge in my head I must make it a reality in my heart before I am able to be authentic with those in my life. I must acknowledge my imperfections and faults, accept forgiveness from the Lord, and then choose to walk in the love He has given me.
     As if that is not enough hard work, authenticity also requires forgiveness of others. When you are being authentic you are vulnerable to other parties reaction to your authenticity. What if they reject you? What if they can't see your true intentions? What if they hurt you? These are all realities of a fallen world with human beings living in it. But when we are hurt by the actions of others we must go back to the truth that God says about us “You are forgiven and loved.” On the flip side of that same coin we must offer grace to one another in our journey to authenticity. Each person is on a different place on the journey, each person is dealing with their beliefs about themselves and others, each person will make mistakes along the way.
     Authenticity may be desired and even expected in our relationships, but in order to be authentic we must first be full of grace and completely assured of the Lord's love and forgiveness for us. Through forgiveness of ourselves and of others comes freedom to be the authentic version of who God created us to be. And that person is worthy of being known.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

What doesn't kill you makes you look more like Christ

     This past year has truly been such a transitional period for me. It went from just Travis and I with no responsibility to anything or anyone but each other, to daddy and mommy-hood. We wanted more than anything to be parents and Lynnlee Jade could not be more of a blessing, but with this change came more responsibility... ALOT more! We felt an overwhelming sense of accountability to the Lord for the gift He had given us. He was trusting us with her life, with her soul. Wow! Even now when I look at her and see her growing up way too fast I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for this precious opportunity. Being her mommy is one of the most challenging, most growing experiences of my life. Watching Travis be her daddy is the most precious sight to see, I don't think I have ever loved that man more than I do today.  However, I see so many of my flaws clearly as I fumble through parenthood feeling like I am wearing a blind fold through an obstacle course. But somehow through all of this the Lord is growing my heart, I am learning how to love and have grace, how to be patient, how to be selfless. I know it is forever changing me, changing my heart.
     With this wonderful gift and responsibility has come some heartache as well. I want more than anything to do things the right way. This has always been an issue for me, I wanted to have the right answers, I wanted to be on the right path at all times. As I am getting older I see that sometimes the right answers cannot just be taught to you or read from a book, sometimes you have to try the wrong way to learn how to do it right the next time. So there it is, the ugly truth, the part of me that I try to hide every time I encounter a new situation or take on a new responsibility... I am so totally and completely imperfect. I know that God sometimes looks at me and has to be thinking “Courtney, if you would just listen you wouldn't have to learn EVERYTHING the hard way.” But He is always there, after I have fallen on my face, with open arms as if to say it's okay you will do better next time. My basketball coach in high school used to say “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” I have thought about that phrase so much in the past months. I believe that it is not only correct physically, but so imperative to my spiritual journey. Pain is weakness leaving the body, but pain is also a way of correcting and steering me to the path that I was meant to follow. What doesn't kill me will teach me how to be more like Christ, how to be more holy. There will be bruises and heartaches along the journey but it is the ultimate goal, the goal of being one with Christ, that allows us to grow from these hardships. The becoming is just as important as the finished product. The becoming is all the things that happen in between, the becoming is life.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Love is a battlefield

     Okay I know that the title of this blog entry is a bit convoluted. But stick with me, I promise I have a point.  I have been doing a lot of praying and soul searching about my relationship with my husband. Travis and I have been together for 8 years now, 4 of them we were dating. We certainly have had our shares of highs and lows during those years together. When we first started dating we were kids, we had no idea what was in store for our relationship, the only thing we knew was that we were kinda crazy about each other. We were the hopeless romantics, the couple you see and think “good grief that sweetness is making me nauseous!” Those of you who have been in a relationship know the emotion I am referring to... we called each other incessantly, wrote letters to each other when we were apart, did over the top romantic gestures for no reason, felt the overwhelming rush when we held hands or kissed, and swore that we would always feel that way for each other. Fast forward eight years and here we are, now don't get me wrong I am still a hopeless romantic. Travis is still the only man for me, but if I am being honest there are days that I feel that the everyday routine is more commonly experienced than any feeling of mushy gushy romance or excitement. From my last entry about desiring approval and acceptance you could see how this could create issues for my marriage.
     I long to be romanced, to be longed for, to feel special, as do a lot of women I assume. But when the everyday busyness overtakes the ability for Travis to connect emotionally I begin to search for that feeling of approval from other places. In my past I have searched for it from other people only to turn up empty. I have searched for it in my own busyness only to reach the point of exhaustion still longing for my heart to be filled. A few weeks ago I made the decision to start pursuing Travis by reading The Love Dare. I have had the book for several years and never could make it longer than 2 weeks. I would start it and get frustrated with Travis' lack of response toward me. This time I heard the Lord calling me to make myself vulnerable with my husband with no expectation of any certain response. Several weeks into the book I read a passage that was speaking about the fulfillment of the Lord in our lives. The passage stated: “every day you place expectations on your spouse. Sometimes they meet them, sometimes they don't. But they will never be able to totally satisfy the demands that you ask of them.” When I read those words I knew that I had been placing unreasonable demands on Travis to fill the place in my heart that ached for acceptance. God then began to speak to me about His desire to fill that place and give my heart the love I have always searched for.
I began to think about the story of Jesus and the woman at the well. He was trying to help her to understand that the living water He was offering would allow her to never be empty again, to never thirst for love again. I have an understanding for that woman's frustration and confusion, this world often promises fulfillment and acceptance in the form of relationships, money, children, careers, even religion. But once we begin to travel down those paths we quickly find ourselves empty and lost. That is because there is space in our hearts that nothing can completely fill, nothing that is but the Lord. We are made to worship, we are created with a desire for companionship with God. Without that relationship we are always going to feel a lack of completion. A disconnect from those we place that expectation upon, the expectation that they will never be able to to fulfill. Even though I understand that concept, on those days I am feeling empty and disconnected I have to consciously battle with myself about the source of those emotions. Is it really a lack of connection from my husband? Or is it that I have not allowed God to come in and fill me with HIS love, the never ending, always sufficient love of our Lord. This is a battle epic proportions, it is a battle for our hearts.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The addiction of acceptance and approval

     Okay I have to be completely honest, this entry is one that is rather hard for me to put out there for the entire world to have access to.  However, since it is hard I know that it is the Lord that will speak through the words I will write. 
I have an addiction.  No it isn't drugs, alcohol, or even food, my addiction is the approval and acceptance of man.  I have, in recent years, described myself as a "people pleaser", in an almost prideful way as if being pleasing to people is a goal to strive for.  But as I am going through the process of getting real with the Lord and being real with those around me, I see that being real and pleasing people are rather difficult to marry together.  I had a wonderful conversation with a family member over the Fourth of July weekend, we were talking about experiencing a freedom in Christ and the joy and fulfillment that only He can bring.  She said "once you experience that type of relationship with the Lord you just want to share it with everyone you care about".  I told her I completely agree, but later that night was laying in bed contemplating if I truly live out that statement.  Do I really live my life and speak the truth in a way that leads those I love closer to a relationship of realness with God?  Or, in an attempt to keep feathers from ruffling, do I allow them to continue down a path that leads to more distance, more shame, more emptiness? 
     When I look back on my walk with the Lord I see that path riddled with signs of my own desperation for acceptance from men.  I see empty relationships that led to shame and lies.  I see vain attempts at beauty that absorbed me so completely that I would starve myself for a second glance from a boy.  I see silent screams for love and approval from my father to the extent that I would accept nothing less than perfection from myself.  What did all of these journeys leave me with?  They left me with pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, isolation, and most of all they left me with emptiness.  If that was the end of my story this blog would not be worth writing.  But I can joyfully say it is not the end, it was but a fraction of the picture that God was longing to paintfor me if I would give Him the paintbrush and allow Him to fix the mess I was making.  After years of trying to correct the attempts of painting my own story on the canvas of my life, I found myself in my living room, a 21 year old woman, unhappy with almost every aspect of my existence. I was literally on my face crying out to the Lord that I could not continue living my life this way.  It was in that moment that I finally loosened my death grip, allowed my white knuckles to open and given over paint brush to someone so much greater, the Master Artist. 
     Now don't hear me say that there aren't days that I still struggle with approval and acceptance.  In nearly every new situation I have to dialogue with myself and the Lord that I am a new creation, a brand new creature.  I do not need the approval of those around me as long as I know that God is in my corner.  That He has control of the outcome of my painting.  That I am truly a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.  I am a beautiful work of art.
     That is what I want to share with all of those who read this entry.  There is a greater story, a more beautiful painting, if we are willing to relinquish the power of the paintbrush to one who is greater than Picaso.  The Lord loves to make something beautiful out of what man looks at and says is a mess.  He loves to take the hearts of those who are willing and make them more... more beautiful, more real.