Anxiety and the call to rest

     I have been debating whether or not I was ready to write this blog post for a couple weeks now.  I mean I so do not have this anxiety thing figured out yet. I have moments that I feel as though my chest will explode and I will not be able to take another breath.  How could I possibly write about how I am "dealing" with anxiety?  But maybe right in the middle of it is where I need to be writing.  Maybe that's how God is working out this whole thing in my life for my best and for other's as well? So here we go...
     Anxiety is not a new thing in my life.  I grew up knowing that my family has a history of this monster we label "anxiety".  I have a wonderful family full of strong women.  We have lots of opinions.  We are loud.  We love fiercely.  We carry the load.  We bear all the burdens.  We see the problem and immediately feel as though it is our duty to find the solution.  Some of those qualities are amazing.  Some of them not so much.  You see, though the world views this kind of strength as a positive attribute, I am learning that often (at least in my own life) some of them are really just symptoms of an underlying issue.  What I am learning is that when I start to feel that it is my responsibility to carry the burdens of everyone around me, to refuse to ask for help when I desperately need it, to assume that I can be the solution to every problem I encounter... I am often dealing with my own anxiety just right under the surface.  My anxiety drives me to control EVERYTHING I possibly can.  To feel uncomfortable with any unsettled situations.  Therefore, I begin the crazy whirlwind of problem solving and micromanaging.  This process often leaves me feeling exhausted, overextended, more anxious and absolutely no good for anyone around me.
     There you have it.  My confession.  I turn into a micromanaging control freak with a short temper and a mean spirit whenever I am relying on myself to solve all the worlds problems.  Or at least my world.  But the past few weeks I have really been asking God to stop this cycle of crazy, to change my "nature" and create in me a new pattern.  I thought certainly this would be a long journey of a lot of work and discipline for myself. Instead, you know what I have found Him saying to me? Rest.  Stop.  Pause.  Deep breaths.  

"Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7.  

     That simple.  Casting all you anxieties on Him... Notice that is in the present tense... a constant.  Continually casting anxieties.  God, in His beautiful infinite sovereignty and wisdom, knew that we were going to struggle with wanting to take control of our circumstances for ourselves and saw it fit to remind us to continually cast our worries and fears on HIM.  And let's not miss WHY... because He cares for you, for me.  He wants my burdens because He loves me, because He knows the only way to live a peace filled life is to rely on Him.  And how silly for me not to do this, as though I could change one single thing on my own? He so sweetly calls to me and says "My precious daughter, come to me, lay it all at my feet.  Trust me.  I am trustworthy.  Believe me when I say I will work ALL things out for your very best.  I love you." Doesn't that sound too good to be true?  The most beautiful gift of love.  But He is just that good, He is even more good than that...  His love is everlasting and unfailing.  There is not a single thing that we, as His redeemed children, could do to make Him love us one iota less.  And also not one single thing that we could do to make Him love us one iota more.  He just does.  His love is perfect like that.  So other than us.  You can't earn it, you can't lose it.  It just is for His children.  And He is the Master Problem Solver.  The All Knowing One who sees every single thing, past, present, and future.  And He is saying to us all, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
      I am not naturally good at this, but I know that my sweet loving God is patient and will always be there while I am learning to practice this rest.  He is so beautifully gracious that He requires us not to work harder, do better, figure the problem out for ourselves... Instead He says 'come to me and I will give you rest.'  And I don't know about you, but those words are like the most refreshing water to my scorched and thirsty soul.

Years pass in a single breath

Hello Blogging World!
     Man, it has been a long time since I have typed out my thoughts and life happenings.  And my goodness, has it happened!  It has been four years since I have last written.  Four years that have gone by so quickly it literally leaves me breathless to think about all the changes and milestones we have gone through.  So to summarize it as succinctly as possible... 
     We have grown from a family of 4 to a family of 5!  We welcomed our littlest little into the world in November of 2016.  Our rainbow baby.  Our promised one.  Liam Jude was the perfect addition to our lives, and he definitely keeps us on our toes in true third child fashion.  He is so incredibly loved by his siblings and is spoiled by them more than any grandparent could ever do for this child.  We love him to the depths of our hearts.  Tidwell family of five... We are thankful. 
     15 weeks into the pregnancy we decided to make another HUGE change for our family, we moved.  Not super far, but to a neighboring town with a smaller community.  Lynnlee, our oldest, was starting school that Fall and this was what we felt was best for her transition.  This was a bittersweet move.  We packed up all of our belongings in our beloved Jackson house.  The house we had lived in for every major event in our marriage.  The house our babies came home to.  The house we grew up in.  But at the end of the day, it was just a house... we carried all of those memories with us as we drove away.  
     Fast forward through sooooo many details that I could spend days talking about.  We are living in a rental home in a sweet neighborhood with precious neighbors that have become dear friends.  We are raising up some fiercely independent and high energy kids who are now 8, 6, and 2. Lynnlee is now in second grade.  She is growing into a beautiful young lady who has an intense love for all things girly, yet somehow also manages to be tough as nails.  She has experience some pretty hard times in her little life.  Lynnlee struggles with severe seasonal allergies that have resulted in 18 separate ear drum ruptures.  She is usually working with some level of discomfort, some level of hearing impairment.  But she has thrived.  Five surgeries later, we are still in pursuit of a more permanent solution to her health journey.  She is a trooper and has still managed to do wonderfully in school, play many sports, grow into quite the little artist, and make some of the sweetest friends.  Lynnlee made the best decision she will ever choose for herself last Fall when she prayed for Jesus to forgive her of her sins and live in her heart.  She can often be heard telling her friends about how they should love Him too.  It is the most amazing gift to watch her grow in this way.  She is our little firecracker, our firstborn into our craziness.  She is a joy and we are so proud. 
     Levi, our middle little, my little heartbreaker.  He is as handsome as they come with his beautiful big blue eyes, long eyelashes, sandy blonde hair, and crooked grin.  He is his Daddy's little mini person. He is a warrior.  Smart, oh that boy is smart.  And he is growing into quite the little athlete.  Levi is in Kindergarten.  He loves to read, build LEGOs, and play outside.  He has the most tender heart, which is both a gift and a difficulty some days as his Mom.  He gets it honest.  My little middle child, he has my heart.  His little brain is full of questions and he is always on the prowl for new information.  He has an intense love of music and prefers musicals over just about any genre of film.  (He gets that from me as well). He is going to change the world. 
     And then there is our littlest, Liam.  Our little adventurer.  He is every bit of two, and he is as feisty as they come.  He has the biggest, bluest eyes and white blonde hair.  He will melt you with his giant smile and quite often uses it to his advantage.  As I said, he is spoiled, not by me, but by his siblings (namely Lynnlee), it really is a precious sight to see.  He has caused us our share of fear filled moments, the child has no fear, none.  He also sees no boundaries.  He is our little escape artist that must at all times, be monitored.  He doesn't sleep.... like ever.  I say he runs on sunlight and oxygen like a house plant.  His mom, however, does not and requires sleep that she hasn't gotten in years.  He has night terrors and sleep walks which pretty much keeps in a constant state of alert even while we are supposed to be resting.  But my goodness, when he puts his little hands on my face in the night I am all his.  Sweetest boy, biggest lover.  He loves all dogs. All.  Every single one.  He is just the best. If he survives into adulthood he is going to be one serious force to be reckoned with. 
     Those are the updates on our children... There are also adults in this house, Travis and I are almost 12 years into marriage and 16 years into our relationship.  Being 32 years old myself, that means that half of my life has been spent with this man.  We have seen some of the hardest years of our lives in this time frame.  Many transitions that haven't been easy.  Our marriage has cracked under the pressure, we have said words that have been hard, but at the end of the day we have continued to choose one another, to work hard to love each other to our best ability.  By God's grace alone, we have chosen this life together.  Marriage is hard work you guys, in case you weren't aware.  But it is also a gift to find someone that will choose you at your worst.  That has seen all the dark places that you hide from the rest of the world and says "I'm staying".  Grace, what a beautiful gift of grace.  There will more on that topic soon.  
     So there you have it, a summation of years of our lives into a few paragraphs.  These are the highlights guys, not the entirety of the story that has brought us to this place.  We are growing, changing, and loving every day.  Not because it's perfect, but because it's ours.  I hope to continue to write as the days move forward, there are some BIG changes in the works for the Tidwell family.  I hope you will journey along with us!