The end of a really hard year

     Well, it certainly has been quite a while since I last wrote.  Not for lack of words, but possibly for too many.  This year has been wonderful, beautiful, horrible, exhausting, promising, and so many other descriptions that I could add just thinking back over the past 363 days.  Through it all, through the financial burdens, the health issues, the friendships fostered, the relationships lost, there has been one consistent theme through it all... God is still so good.  I must confess a lack of faith in that throughout the months, but God has shown up to renew my strength and remind me of all of His faithFULness!  In the past month or so I have begun praying in quite a different manner than I ever have before.  Let me start at the beginning of the most recent journey I am on with God....
      It all started about a week before Thanksgiving.  We were struggling through some pretty serious financial decisions and really weren't sure what the next step to take was going to look like.  I began having a whole host of doubt plague my heart, "where is God?" "does He really want to bless ME?" "why do I feel so full of fear, I have seen God provide before?" and so many more.  I opened my Bible and began reading in Hebrews 11... I read how Moses had the faith to lead the people through the wilderness, to cross the Red Sea, how Abraham had the faith that God would make him a great nation, how Sarah trusted that God would give her a child in her old age, and so on and so on.  As I was reading this passage I was thinking "Okay God I get it, they had faith. If I'm being honest here, I don't, now what?"  And then I sat there, feeling helpless, frustrated, and embarrassed that the truth was what it was.  I didn't have faith.  I didn't trust God.  I couldn't muster it up, pretend it was there, fake it till I could make it... it just wasn't.  So I cried, I confessed my lack of faith, I asked God to fill me up with it because frankly I wasn't sure where else it could come from at this point.
     Then I picked up my Bible and started reading again, Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses" at this point, the Bible student in me perked up, see I have been taught that it you see the word "therefore", you should ask yourself "what is it there for?".  So I looked back up at what I just read, all about the heroes of my faith, all about their trust in God and how God showed up for them.  They are the "great cloud of witness".  I could feel my heart beating a little faster now... so I continued. "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race which is set before us."  Now the former athlete in me was getting stirred up.  Run with endurance, where do you get endurance? Through practice! Through trials and failed attempts and more practice! At this point I feverishly turned to James 1 and read "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness (endurance)"  I was feeling the "Hallelujah" rising up in my heart! So I kept reading... "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and it seated at the right hand of the throne of God."  I laid back on my bed, closed my eyes, and pictured this scene. It was as though I was watching a movie.  Walk through it with me...

      I can feel the pavement beneath my feet, my heart pounding, my breath beginning to shorten.  My legs feel heavy and tired, but I am running.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, I am not fast, but I am running.  Then I begin to feel the wind in my face, a breeze blowing through my hair and reminding me that I am still in the race.  Then I realize I am carrying a huge backpack on my back, it is heavy, full of memories, fears, failures, hopes, dreams, and a dozen pairs of shoes I'm sure ;) and I remember "lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely" and I take it off.  It wasn't difficult really, I just slipped the straps off my shoulders and let the pack fall to the ground, and I leave it there. Now running feels a bit easier.  I feel lighter, and my steps a bit faster.  Then I hear it, cheers to my left and my right, and there they were!  My heroes of the faith, they have finished their race, they ran with endurance and they are cheering me on!  Screaming like maniacs, encouraging me to keep running, to set my eyes on the race in front of me, not the heavy burden I left behind.  And now I can hear Him, Jesus, seated at the end of the race, on His throne, He is cheering louder than all of the others!  He is my biggest fan, my loudest voice, He finished His race "for the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross". And now He is resting on His throne, encouraging me to keep running.  

     I opened my eyes with tears running down my face.  I am not alone, it is not based on my faith alone.  I can stand on the shoulders of my heroes, those men and women that have gone before.  Some of them in the Bible, some of them I had the privilege to stand shoulder to shoulder with in this life.  All of them cheering loudly saying "keep running, it's oh so worth it!"  And so I do, even through this hard year.  Some people have asked me how I do it?  How I keep going after this difficult season?  And this is the secret, I have a great cloud of witnesses and my Jesus cheering me on... My prayer for this next year is this verse, that I will run with endurance, run freely and unhindered, toward the things that God has set before me.  That I will hear those voices and know that I can trust the God that is the same today as He was in ages past when those great heroes ran their races.  I will press on, I will endure! 

When the dust settles

     After all of the excitement we had in the month of July, as far as I'm concerned, it can just take a hike and be wiped off our calender!   I'm ready for August, I need a fresh start.  But God has been so faithful to teach me so many wonderful things through the trials we experienced in July.  He never lets anything, any experience, go wasted when we surrender our hearts and our lives to His will.  I'm going to attempt to share, in a somewhat coherent manner, a few of the things I feel like He has been teaching me. Bear with me if I get a little hard to follow.
     First of all, I have learned a couple of things about myself.  I have learned I am great in crisis.  I mean really, in the moment of tragedy, you will want me at your side.  I get this strange calm that takes over.  Everything is super clear, I know that was God, I know He was upholding me.  He gives us strength in our weakest moments.  On the flip side of that coin, when the calm comes after the storm, when I get still and process, I struggle with tremendous amounts of anxiety after-the-fact.  So that's where I am today, the dust is settling, Levi is healing wonderfully, and life is returning to "normal".  So now is when I begin my struggle with anxiety, I am working really hard on surrendering this to God at this time, He says "cast all your cares upon Me, My yoke is easy and my burden is light".
     So that's what brings me to these past couple of days, a heart struggling with anxiousness, and a knowledge that I have a God who cares about that.  A sweet friend of mine, she was once my "watch care momma" (basically an adoptive mom through the church I attended while I was in college), she has been involved in my life for eight years now and I am so grateful for her wisdom and willingness to share her heart with me and my family... she brought me a book a couple of weeks ago called "Rules for the Red Sea".  It has been a tool that God has used over and over again to remind me of some truths that I have known but that are so easy to forget in the time of crisis.  If you are in a trial or know someone who is, this little book is worth the investment.  So I began reading about a week ago and the story of the Israelites had some great parallels in my life now.  I opened up my Bible and decided I wanted to see what God's Word had to say about these circumstances and a couple of things became very clear to me.
     First, that God is in control of ALL things.  It says in Exodus 13: 17-18 that God led the people of Israel out of Egypt and into the wilderness instead of going into the land of the Philistines (which would have been a more direct route).  His reason?  "Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt."  God took them on a more lengthy journey because He knew what their hearts could and could not handle. He was protecting them, even though they may never have known from what.  Sometimes I feel like I know a shorter way through the journey, a way that would get me there faster, but God doesn't allow me to travel that path, I may never know why or what He was protecting me from.  But I can be assured that this is what is best for me and my family.
    Second, that God will get His glory, because He alone is worthy.  And that is the whole point of us being on this earth, to bring Him glory, so the whole earth will know Him.  In Exodus 14: 1-20 the Bible tells us the story of how the Israelites arrived at the Red Sea.  It says God told Moses to lead the people of Israel into a "rock and a hard place" type scenario, "the wilderness has shut them in" and their backs were to the sea.  Then God said "I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord."  So the scene is set, the Israelites in a hopeless scenario and for what? For God to get His glory in the land of the Egyptians.  When I read that statement it struck my heart and it was like there was a light that turned on in the darkness.  This is it, this is the whole reason that "bad things happen to good people".  God's glory and His worship is the end game.  It is the way that the world can see Him most clearly, when God is glorified and lifted up.
     The story continues... The Egyptians are pressing in and the Israelites are terrified (and rightfully so) and they cry out to the Lord. And what is God's response?  "Fear not, stand firm,and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.  The Lord will fight for you, and you have only need to be still." (vv. 13 &14)
     So that is what I am doing, I am actively being still and allowing God to fight for me.  When the walls are closing in and the enemy is drawing near.  When the sea is at our backs and there is no apparent escape.  God says, "watch and see".  It isn't a passive lack of care or laziness, it is an active choice to stand still.  Stand still and listen for God's next command, we never know when that sea will part and He will say "follow me into a miracle".

The miraculous and the mundane

     Have you ever experienced a time in your life that you literally feel like you are dangling by a thread?  Like at any moment that thread might break?  Well, I'm there.  After the week we had last week with Levi's accident and being in the hospital I anticipated that this week might be difficult.  But I was thinking the hard part would be the transitioning of Levi and his injuries.  That part has been far better than I could have hoped, he is healing wonderfully.  He is a strong little man and God is healing his body quite quickly!  For that we are so grateful and thankful!  And because of that fact I feel horrible for worrying about anything else! 
      I feel so ungrateful for what I'm about to say, we experienced a miracle when God protected Levi, we experienced a miracle when his little body began to heal so quickly, but now we need another one.  And I feel like I am being so selfish and spoiled to even ask for another... it's not like I feel like I need to earn God's favor, not that because I am good He will show up... that's not it at all, but more along the lines of He was so faithful to care for Levi, in that HUGE trauma and circumstance, that I feel like asking for Him to show up in this situation is petty and pathetic.  So I was honest with God, I journaled and confessed my unbelief and lack of faith.  I confessed and asked for God to continue revealing His character to me so that I could trust Him more.  I feel so silly even typing those words.  I mean I JUST saw God show up in a beautiful way a little over a week ago.  You would think I would have the faith that could move mountains.  So why do I question His providence in this situation?  How could I doubt His character now?  
     My flesh is so weak, I am such a human.  I have such a short memory, and I am reminded of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.  God parted the Red Sea to save them from their enemies, how much more miraculous could that be?  And not one chapter later His people had forgotten.  They were complaining and fearful for how He would provide for their daily needs, as if He would save them from Egyptian armies and leave them in the wilderness to die.  So I keep reminding myself that God is still the same God that He was in the hospital, in the middle of my worst moments.  He is still the God who cares, the God who sustains, the God who provides, JEHOVAH-JIRAH, the God who sees.  So I guess the point of this whole post is this, God doesn't just show up in the obviously miraculous, He will also show up in the everyday and the mundane.  And we don't have to wonder if our problems are big enough for Him to care about because it says in Matthew that he cares for the flowers and the birds, and how much more does He love us!  He is faithful, ALWAYS, He is not like us.  He is totally other, He is consistent, we can trust in Him.  The two pictures I posted below are from this past week, the first one from the hospital with Levi, in the moment that I was so sure of God's faithfulness.  And the bottom is one from this week, after choir practice, God's reminder that He is with me in the storm and the calm.  Great is Thy faithfulness! 
God, give me faith, more faith!  I confess my tendency to humanize You.  I know that You are wholly other.  I confess my fear that You may not show up.  Forgive me for forgetting how You have already shown up for us in so many miraculous ways.  I will lead my heart and my mind in Your ways and follow You and trust You!  You are worthy, You alone.  Help me not forget! 

When the very worst could have happened

     This week has been the longest and most excruciating of my life. On Tuesday morning the biggest fear in a parents life became a reality in mine, our son Levi, sixteen months old, was struck by a car pulling out of a driveway.  My husband was the first one to get to him and that image has haunted him for days.  Within moments we were at the hospital and within moments after that he was being airflighted to a children's hospital.  To say it was horrifying to watch them load him into a helicopter would be putting it far too mildly, however there were a few things that God put in our path that made this easier.  First of all within 15 minutes there were 10 friends there with us praying and assisting in getting us what we needed.  We overtook the emergency room with a prayer circle and there was a peace that filled my heart in that terrible place of fear.  Second, the emergency room doctors and nurses as well as the helicopter nurses were beautiful people that held us, cried with us, and assured us that he looked great as far as they could tell. As they were strapping him to the stretcher to load him into the helicopter the nurse looked at me and with big tears in his eyes said "I'm praying too".  I hadn't realized it, but in that moment I had been praying out loud, not consciously but completely led by the Spirit.  When I got in the car to head toward Memphis after the helicopter took off I remember thinking to myself, "This is what all of those days of praying, studying God's Word, fellowshipping with other believers, filling myself up is for.  This is when you must be full to be able to be completely poured out and know that God is good and faithful."  I am forever grateful for that moment of blessed assurance.
     As the next hours progressed we learned that Levi is indeed a strong and miraculous little boy.  He made it out of the accident with a couple lacerations on his head, road rash on the lower part of his body, and a few fractures in his pelvis.  Though he is in pain, he is on the mend and will heal completely.  As we were in the hospital God placed not one, but two nurses that I went to Union with in our path. (Remember that we were in Memphis, a huge city and about 100 miles from our home town).  And that was just one of the dozens of confirmations that He gave us that He was present.  He had not left us, nor Levi, not for one second.  While I was sitting in his hospital room, watching him resting peacefully, praying and praising God for protecting my boy, God gave me a couple of songs that resonated in my mind over and over.  The first was the song It Is Well.  The lyrics I prayed and sang over my boy...
When peace like a river attendeth my way, 
when sorrow like sea billows roll, 
whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
 it is well, it is well with my soul.  
     And in that moment I could reflect on my heart and sing with all my might It Is Well.  Not because Levi is well, not because I am well, but because God is here and He makes all things good.  And I was responsible for reminding my heart of that, You have taught me to say "it is well with my soul".   A second song that rang so true in my heart and mind is the Chris Tomlin song Angel Armies,  I believe that God gave me this song to help me remember how Levi was protected that day, 
I know who goes before me, 
I know who stands behind, 
the God of angel armies is always by my side. 
     And I have no doubt that God was by our side, by Levi's side, throughout every single moment.  So, I write all this to say, we are home, Levi is healing quickly, we are so grateful for the prayers of each and every person that lifted sweet Levi before the throne of God, and we know beyond a doubt that He has a plan for this!  To God be the glory! 

Some pictures of sweet Levi for your viewing pleasure :)

What I'm learning now...

    You know those seasons where you feel as though you are being stretched beyond your limits?  Those seasons where you are stretched so thin you know you must be completely see through, transparent?  That's where I am now.  If I'm being honest, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be in an easier time.  I want to stop being stretched and pushed.  But that's not what God has for me now, for now this is where He chooses and wills for me to be.  You see, I am a fixer, I am a problem solver.  If there is an answer to be found I am going to search until I find it.  If I can resolve the pain, I will... if there is an alternative to hard things, I am going to seek it out... if there is a way, I will seek until I discover it.  That sounds all good and fine until there are no answers.  Until you come upon a problem that has no solution, there is no alternate path to take, there is no resolution.  That's where God has me now, and I think I am learning why.  When you are a problem solver, a fixer, you tend to try EVERYTHING else before you take it to God.  That is my issue, my pride, I think I can find the answers, I think I don't need Him to help me.  Pride is such a problem in our culture, we are told to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and work harder.  We can do it, without the help of anyone else.  We don't ask for help we just keep it all bottled up inside, like asking for help is admitting weakness.  So, this is where I am, no solutions, no resolutions, no answers, just an impossible situation.  And then I turned to The Lord, Jehovah-Jirah, the God who Provides, the God who Sees.  And this is what I am learning...
     God never tells us to figure it out on our own.  He tells us to come to Him in humility...
2 Chronicles 7:14...if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land. 
Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way
     So this is where I am, I am confessing my sin of pride and asking God to continue to teach me about humility and vulnerability.  And I am learning to pray, pray first, talk later (if at all).  Take it to the only One who can really satisfy my heart.  And ask, ask in faith.  Because God tells me...
Psalm 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield, he bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  
Matthew 6:33 Seek first, the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. 
     There it is... the truth in all of this, the answer to all things.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. That is my goal.  I am learning to delight myself in God first, not myself, not my dreams.  Those are important to God too!  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  BUT FIRST, I seek His Kingdom and His righteousness and learn to delight in Him!  
Thank you God for this place.  This hard place, this place of uncertainty, this place of stretching.  I know that You are here, I know that you are near to me.  I ask for you to continue to teach me humility, continue to teach me to delight only in You!  To take my dreams, fears, and desires to You and trust in You to deliver.  You are worthy of all my trust, all my hope, all my faith, You alone.  I am Yours. 

When I think I'm going under 

part the waters Lord

When I feel the waves surround me,

calm the sea

When I cry for help Oh hear me Lord

and hold out Your hand

Touch my life

still the raging storm in me

Songs in my heart

     The past few weeks have been such an odd combination of excitement and fear, contentedness and longing, peace and anxiety. I feel one thing one minute and then the following I feel something totally different. Now as a woman I am no stranger to emotions, raging hormones and a tender heart make sure of that. But these feelings have been more deeper than just "being a woman". These feelings have been drawing me, almost magnetically or like gravity, to the Lover of My Soul. I have needed to be close to Him every moment of my day in order to assure that my roller coaster of emotions didn't hijack my family and take them along for the ride. I haven't felt like reading, that took too much emotional and mental energy, I haven't felt like talking, that would mean that I had to figure out how I was feeling in that very moment and that was simply too difficult a task. So, like an old pair of pj's on a cool night, I turned to worship. Worship, praise music, lyrics that speak directly to my soul and reverberate my emotions back to God, has always been a language I fully engaged in. I love it. So here are a few songs and lyrics that God has placed in my heart these weeks to cling to like a life raft in my river of emotions... I hope that they speak to your soul as they speak to mine.



Jason Gray- Begin Again

Arise, my love, the winter's past, the spring has come!

He makes all things beautiful in time

After the fire, what remains is the love that will not change

And makes all things beautiful in time

It's never too late for a new start

No matter how your life's been torn apart

When you're at the end, you can begin again

There's never been a night so long…

There's never been a life too far gone

When you come to the end, you can begin again


Sovereign Grace- All I have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night, yet though I knew the way.

The sin that promised joy and life had led me to the grave.

I had no hope that You would own a rebel to You will

And if you had no loved me first I would refuse You still


Now Lord I would be Yours alone, and live so all might see

The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.

O Father, use my ransomed life in any way You choose

and let my song forever be, "My only hope is You". 

Hallelujah, all I have is Christ! 

Hallelujah, Jesus is my life!





God, let my soul forever be desiring You. Draw me Lord to You!

Hope

    Sometimes life is just hard, ya know?  I mean, really, sometimes there really isn't a solution to the problem, sometimes there is no reconciliation, sometimes the pain doesn't end, sometimes there are just hard things.  The past few months have been a barrage of hard things... now let's not get caught up in the comparison of hard times, hard times are hard times for the person that is experiencing them and to compare pain is meaningless and demeaning.  Many of us have heard comments that tell us, in essence, just keep moving, be stronger, get through it.  Now, in some sense I agree with the ideas in these comments.  What is the alternative really?  Just stop living?  Curl up on your couch with whatever numbs you and hide?  That is not living.  That is not why God has us here.  So what do we do?  When times are hard and there are no answers, when surviving is about all we can muster up the strength to do.  We turn to our hope.  I ran across this scripture today from Lamentations: Lamentations 3:21-22 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. 

     And there it is,  I dare still hope when I remember the faithful love of God never ends!  What immeasurable grace! I have begun asking God to give me "see through vision".  That he would make me brave, not because of anything to do with myself, but that I have a hope that gives me strength for the hard times!  He makes me brave, His love, His mercy, His grace... I can face the hard because He is in my corner.  Not passively watching but embracing me and strengthening me!  James says to consider is pure joy when we experience suffering of various kinds, why? Because we know the testing of our faith produces endurance and steadfastness.  Trials, hard times, desert seasons, are our training grounds! God is strengthening our faith in Him! There is beauty, even life, in the desert! The picture posted below is of the Bad Lands, the infamously dry and vegetation-less desert.  However, during very rare seasons beauty springs up out of the dry hard ground!  God make my faith like that of these beautiful flowers that have strengthened and adapted to the desert to bloom and produce something awe inspiring! May these hard seasons not be kept inside but made useful in being shared! 

All you need is LoVe

     Lately I feel as though every time I turn around there is something about love in front of me.  Pinterest is full of pins about how to love your husband, how to love your kids, how to love your body, and on and on.  I have had several conversations with girlfriends about how to love others better.  I have had a conversation with my husband about how he receives love and feels loved.  But if I were being honest with myself many, if not all, of these conversations that stemmed around how to love others better were simply ways to get others to love me more.  I know that seems convoluted, but bear with me.  I want to know how to love Travis, my husband, better so that he will feel loved and feel like he should love me more.  I want to know how to love my neighbor better so that whoever notices will think higher of me and love me.  Most of the things I do during my day are either directly, or indirectly, serving and loving myself.  Strange and humbling realization to say the least.  
     Jesus says in Matthew to "love your neighbor as yourself".  You see the Bible already assumes that we love ourselves.  Even if we say that we don't love ourselves well, that statement reveals that we think we should love ourselves more and others should love us more, and in a way that is loving ourselves.  We say things like, "I need to take some time for me, to love me".  We already love ourselves enough to clothe ourselves, feed ourselves, get rest for our bodies, exercise, etc.  All Jesus is saying here is that we should do the same for our neighbors.  He is not saying that self loathing is the way to live.  He is saying we already do things for ourselves that we can do for others.  You clothe yourself, clothe others.  You feed yourself, feed others.  You give yourself grace, give grace to others.  Most of the rules we use to judge others are rules that we, ourselves, don't even live by!  So my challenge from God this morning was this:  feeling anxious about something? Serve someone else;  feeling depressed by a situation in your life?  Love someone else.   If I could spend half of the time I spend thinking about myself and all of the ways I want to be loved, thinking of how to love someone else I would reach thousands of people with Jesus' love.  So there it is, my truest conviction, my current and perhaps unending struggle to love others the way that Jesus commands, the way I love myself.  

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

When you are weary

    You know those times when you are bone-deep tired.  Not just physically, like you have worked your body super hard to it's breaking point, but when you feel like that is also the state of your heart and mind.  You have worked so hard, for so long, that you have reached your breaking point?  Do you remember that feeling?  Those heavy, exhausted sighs, as if somehow taking in enough air will reinflate your body and mind... remember that feeling when you were finally able to rest? 
      I remember a time like this vividly, I was a child, maybe 9 or so, and I was swimming in a lake with my family.  I was pretty small, but could swim well enough that my mom wasn't too concerned about me.  There were some adults having an inner tube race in the deep part of the lake, they were facing backward at the starting line and I swam in the way of the oncoming traffic, they took off and I was quickly pulled under the water by the passing inner tubes.  I remember frantically kicking my feet and scrambling to find the surface of the water, I was turned around and terrified, I couldn't touch the bottom, but couldn't find the top.  I don't really remember who found me or if I eventually swam my way back to the part of the lake I could touch the bottom.  But what I do remember is the feeling I got when I finally reached the shore and my mom was there to hug me and make sure I knew I was safe again.  My lungs felt hot and heavy, my legs were tired from thrashing in the water, my eyes burned (partly from the water in the lake, but mostly from crying) and I took that first deep breath in my momma's arms and it felt so amazing.  Then I remember sitting with her on the shore and feeling so relaxed and at ease, I was safe, I could rest.  
     I tell that story because there have also been seasons spiritually when I was drowning, or at least I felt like I was.  My feet were kicking as hard as I could kick, but without knowing which direction the top of the water was, they were completely useless.  I was striving so hard, working with all my might to get back to safety, to find the shore.  Along the way I even tried holding on to other things, people and objects, to keep me afloat.  Only to find that I would either drag them down with me, or that I would lose my grasp and they would disappear.  All I had to do was stop thrashing, stop fighting, some swimming, and cry out for help and God would be right there to lift me from the water and onto the shore.  I remember the night that happened for the first time, I was sitting in my living room crying out to God completely empty and exhausted.  I finally surrendered, I gave up my fight and held up my hands for God to save me.  And He did, simple as that, He was there... there wasn't anything magical about the way I did it.  It wasn't some out-of-body-experience, just a feeling of exhaustion, then surrender, then rest.  I took that deep breath, the kind that shudders in your chest, and then just rested in His arms.  I was safe, the problems and circumstances were still around me, but I was safe in His arms.  Jesus would fight those battles, I could just lean back and rest in His embrace.  
     I'm not really sure why I feel lead to talk about this today, maybe because I am feeling weary and exhausted from striving.  But I just felt like I needed to remind myself, and share with others, that there is rest for our weary souls.  We don't have to strive so hard, we just need to find the arms of our Savior and rest there.  
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.."-Jesus

When Oceans Rise

     These past few months God has been doing some major work in my heart.   It's been like Extreme Makeover, Heart of Courtney Edition.  I feel like He came in and took a look around and thought, "that wall is coming down, we are going to open this space up and create a much more inviting atmosphere  in here".  This is not the first time I have felt this massive shift in my heart, but somehow it feels brand new, exciting, life giving!  It all started about three months ago when my husband came to me and said "I'm going to start my own business and I have one month to do it, by the way my boss is firing me as of the end of the month." As you can imagine this didn't go over super smoothly, don't get me wrong I completely believed in Travis, I believed in his abilities and trusted his instincts that this was the best direction to head in, however, I grew up in a home of business owners and know how taxing, uncertain, and unbelievably exhausting this process can be.  So after my meltdown of sorts I went to Travis and confessed my fears, but got behind him 100%.  I knew this was going to be a journey that God was going to use to do more work on me so I was ready to buckle in and get going on this ride.  And then it began, the uncertainty in money, the long hours being gone from home, the "learning the hard way", business ownership stuff.  And that's when God peeled back some of the wall paper I had decorating the walls in my heart and revealed some really ugly things underneath.  You see as much as I want to believe that I "love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength" the reality is this, I was finding my security in a lot of other things, most of all money.  And this was my opportunity to either allow God to keep stripping that pretty wall paper and revealing the ugliness underneath, or to ask Him to kindly stop and leave my beautifully decorated walls alone.  I chose the first, I mean once you know what's under there the best things to do is finish the job right?  So, three months go by, the money is still uncertain, the bills have been paid (some of them late, but they got paid, praise Jesus!) and best of all not only has God been able to strip the wall paper but He has also knocked those walls down and made my heart space so much bigger!  I have learned to trust Him more and more through this process and wouldn't change this season for all the riches in the world.  Let me tell you, it's not pretty, some days I have to stop every few minutes, collect my wandering mind, and pray the God will be my source of security, the only source that is permanent and sustaining.  But He has!  I have seen Him answer prayers in the most peculiar of ways, I have grown a community of women around me that are comfortable with my vulnerability and encourage me to continue being real.  I am incredibly grateful for the heart space that God created that allows more people in, more of Him.  I am still a work in progress, I think this renovation will be an ongoing one, and I am okay with that.  But praise God that those walls will never look the same, I will be forever changed by this process and that is worth all of the mess! This is a song that God has been using over and over in my heart during this process.  The lyrics resonate in my soul and I pray that I never go back! "I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine!" 

Faith like Abraham

     How do you want to be known? What characteristics do you want to mark your life?  Loyal? Loving? Kind? Disciplined? Determined? Patient? Successful?  How about outwardly... thin? Beautiful? Put-together?  None of these things are inherently evil or wrong.  In fact, some of those things I listed are also listed in Galatians as the Fruit of the Spirit.  But is this what I should be striving after?  I was reading a book this morning about seeing Jesus in Genesis and the author was specifically talking about Abraham.  Abraham was a man of tremendous faith.  In fact, when he is spoken of in the New Testament that is what marked his character, this unparalleled faith.  The author points out that Abraham had faith was accredited to him as righteousness.  He believed God.  Not just believed in God.  Not just that God existed, he believed God would fulfill all of His promises.  God promised Abraham that he would inherit land and have offspring that outnumbered the stars.  This childless, one-hundred-year-old man with a barren wife trusted God when He said that his offspring would bless all people, everywhere.  I think it's important to note that Abraham died a physical death before seeing with his eyes the fruition of these promises.
     Abraham believed God when He said the Savior of the world, of all people, would come from his lineage.  Without any knowledge of what this would look like, without the cross in his lifetime to look to as a reference point, Abraham fully trusted God.  Because of this, his faith was credited to him as righteousness.  Not his church attendance, or classes he taught, not his clean house, stacked bank account, trim physique, or number of people who followed him on Twitter.  His reputation, what we know of him today, his righteousness came from him trusting in God.  
     Maybe instead of striving to be more put-together, more visually appealing, more "secure" in worldly standards, I need simply to strive to put my faith in God's promises, the promise of salvation through Jesus.  If my life, my character, my reputation is anchored in Christ alone, then the rest should fall in place right?  Maybe this is Kingdom seeking? Maybe then, dare I say only then, are those other qualities: loving, determined, patient, kind, etc... pointed in the direction that can be effectively used for God's glory.  

God, may my reputation grow to be one that is marked by faith and trust in Your promise of salvation through Jesus.  Create in me the qualities that can come only from walking closely with You and learning to fully trust in You.  

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

    I was recently given the opportunity to go to a Women's Conference at our local church.  I love conferences... I love getting together with women to worship God.  Something about the sound of soprano and alto voices being lifted to the throne gives me goose bumps!  I am so sure that God is smiling when he sees his daughters in one accord singing praises to their Father.  As much as I love a women's event like this I was not totally convinced I was going to receive a "life changing word" from this event.  I was just so sure that I was going to serve others more than to be served myself.  To connect with some of my fellow lady church members and grow together more intimately.  And those things did happen, but they were completely secondary to the message that the Lord, my sweet patient God, had for me.  
     Most of us have heard the passage of Peter walking on water enough times to recite it.  Growing up in a Baptist Church means that you have been exposed to most of the "major" Bible stories by this point in your life.  But yesterday God revealed to me in a completely new way how this story is so relevant in my life right now.  Let me set up our situation so this is better understood... Travis, my husband, and some wonderful a friend, (family really) were given the opportunity to start a remodel, reconstruction, handy-work business at the start of 2014.  This was a situation that we had been praying about for a year or so and really felt as though God was providing this opportunity.  So we took it, and all the risks that come with owning your own business.  The unsure hours, unsure pay, unsure futures... all of it.  Now for the most part this has been a beautiful picture of God empowering these two men and making them stronger leaders in our families.  But on the flip side of that coin it has revealed some ugly places in my heart as a wife and mother of two children who depend on me to feed them.  *note-I do completely recognize that it is my husbands job to provide the money, but I cook the food ;) So here we are, three months in, and God has been providing, He has given everything we needed in the moments we needed it.  But I was still struggling to let go of the fears of instability, though I completely believed in my husbands' abilities, but businesses fail everyday right?  Now back to Peter...
   In the story Jesus was up on a mountain by Himself, praying, spending some alone time with His Father.  He had just fed the 5,000 and probably was in desperate need of some peace and quiet. (as a mother of two children under 3 I can totally relate, some days I wish I had a mountain top to escape to!)  The disciples had gotten in the boat and set sail.  They were relatively far out so what does Jesus do to catch His ride?  Well, He walks on the water of course... just steps right out into the crashing waves and howling wind and starts walking!  When the disciples look out across the water they see this man walking toward them, and they think they are seeing a ghost... which, let's be honest, is just as probable as a man walking on top of the water.  Jesus calls out to them and reveals His identity, at this point Peter, good ole Peter, says "If it's You, Lord let me walk on the water with You."  Now, I can totally relate to Peter.  He usually doesn't think before he speaks,  he says pretty much whatever comes into his mind, and usually ends up with his foot in his mouth.  But he LOVES Jesus.  In fact, Jesus tells Peter in a later story that upon this rock (Peter) He will build his church.  Peter is a man loved by Jesus and completely in love with Him, but he is a bit over-eager at times.  So, after Peter says this Jesus' response was "Come".  I love that, Jesus was like "okay big boy, you wanna try walking on water, step out of that boat".  Now, you have to give Peter some credit here, he is the only disciple that's asking to walk on water, and he actually steps out of the safety of the boat.  What is his reward?  He walks on water!!! Peter steps out onto the uncertainty of the crashing waves and whipping winds and walks on water with His Savior!  He was doing pretty good too, until he started looking at the waves and the wind around him and takes his eyes off of Jesus, then he starts to sink.  However, even in his fear and doubt he calls out to Jesus and says help me Lord! And Jesus immediately reached out His hand and raised him out of the water.  He then looks at Peter and says "oh you of little faith".  And back into the safety and security of the boat they went.  
     This story resonates so deeply in my soul.  First of all, I long to be like Peter when he simply believed in Jesus and stepped out of the boat.  He didn't think about the consequences or the uncertainty of the water, he just stepped out.  Secondly,  I want to fix my eyes upon my Savior, look full in Jesus' loving eyes and be completely focused solely on Him as I walk on the water.  Can you imagine what it must have felt like for those few moments that Peter was successfully walking on top of the water?  What freedom!?  What intimacy with Jesus!?  MAN, I want that!  What if Peter had never taken His eyes off of the Lord and looked at the waves around him?  What if he had stayed focused on Jesus?  How long would they have walked around out there?  Thirdly, I don't want to stay in the safety of my boat, even if I do sink I want to completely trust in Jesus to be there to take my hand and pull me out of the water.  So, I listed out my fears and God's response to those fears in this passage... it looks like 
Fears                                                                                  Answers
Failure- sinking into the water                               Jesus was there and immediately took Peter by the hand

Disapproval- the rest of the disciples in the boat      Not everyone got to experience even one second of                                                                                     water walking

Struggle-the crashing waves and whipping wind      Peter still walked even amidst the storm, and Jesus can                                                                               calm the storm any time He sees fit (see a couple different                                                                               places in the Bible)
     So there you have it.  All of you water walkers who desire not comfort, but closeness with Jesus, this is it! We have to step out of the boat!  We must transfix our eyes on our Savior and refuse to look to the left or the right.  It is a risk, but oh how great the reward! 

I NEED JESUS

    Okay this is going to be real life post... one of those  "not-so-pretty-make-you-a-little-uncomfortable" kind of posts.  So there's your warning, stop reading now if you would like.  
    These past few months have been some of the hardest in my adult life with children.  Lynnlee is three and is a constant handful.  Levi will be one in March and is very curious about the way things work (in other words he takes everything apart).  So as you can imagine my day is full of cleaning up messes and feeding small humans.  Under normal circumstances that would not be a huge ordeal, however add to this that Travis is starting his own reconstruction/remodel business and things have been a bit strained.  I have struggled to juggle my role as mommy with my role as supportive wife and cheerleader with my role as "keep the house running" lady.  Travis has had to work lots of late nights so my days have been void of any "me" moments.  I reached my breaking point yesterday and had a complete come apart, melt down, epic fall to pieces and spew words of anger, bitterness, and frustration moment. (Or few hours, okay let me be for real with you.)  
     Through this episode i have come to some conclusions, first of all the whole motherhood thing is super hard even on good days so we must have grace for one another and ourselves.  Second of all it is important as a woman to have a good ole fashion cry sometimes.  Third of all, every single person on this planet needs to be able to use the bathroom ALONE at least one time a day.  And finally, attempting to do any of these things without Jesus is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent impossible.  
     I love my children.  I love being a Mommy and staying home with them on a daily basis.  I feel like I am a fairly reasonable person.  That being said I have felt like a complete basket case and grumpy monster for the past few weeks.  I could blame it on so many things and a culmination of many things but the reality is that I am running on empty.  I am unable to give my children or my husband anything good in me because there is nothing good in me left. 
     Let me also reveal another misconception I have believed until this season.... having a "quiet time" in the morning before my children need me is wonderful.  Spending some much needed moments with God is necessary for me to start my day off well, BUT if that is the most time I spend consulting with God during the day I am in a for a world of hurt . It is the moment to moment that I need Him most.  It is the instant that I recognize that my child has just demolished packing Styrofoam into tiny balls in the play room and says that it is snowing that I need Jesus not just in memory of what I heard from Him that morning but in what I need that minute to not completely lose my composure on my three-year-old.  (By the way, that stuff is straight from Satan and is impossible to clean up... seriously)  I need Jesus, literally EVERY MOMENT to be a good Mom, wife, friend, person.  I mean maybe some of you are just good people, just generally patient, kind, loving, and peace filled.  I envy you, I wish I was more like that naturally, but the honest to goodness truth is that I am none of those things left on my own.  Just ask my husband or my children.  So there it is, the real truth about my heart.  If you peeked behind closed doors or a hidden camera that is what you would find.  I need Jesus.  I need Him to be good for anything.  I need Him to love people well.  I need Him I need Him I need Him.  

Under your wing

     I was sitting alone in church yesterday morning... now this never happens, I usually sit with Travis (husband) or friends.  But yesterday Travis wasn't feeling well and I slipped in after the choir dismissed so I sat in an empty row.  I really enjoy the solidarity sometimes, it allows my mind to be completely focused on the Word being given, distractions minimized.  And I can tell that this was one of those God moments, you know the ones where the circumstances align just perfectly in His sovereignty?  Our pastor is preaching through the book of Ruth.  This is one of my favorite stories in the Bible and possibly of all time.  I love the attention to detail that God took when orchestrating Ruth's path to Boaz... I digress, anyway that was what he was preaching on.  As many times as I have read this story I had never seen the beauty in a particular passage of scripture.  Boaz is speaking to Ruth in this passage upon first seeing her gleaning in his fields...

Ruth 2:12 "The Lord repay you for what you have done (taking care of Naomi, her mother-in-law) and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge." 

    My pastor took a moment to highlight some other areas of scripture where this imagery is used to display God's protection and provision.  The first time it is used is Deuteronomy 32:10-13 Moses is singing over the people of Israel in the desert soon before he died. In verses 10 & 11 he sings "He found him in a desert land and in the howling waste of wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions." And also, David, in Psalms, refers to this same passage of scripture saying: "Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings." (Psalms 17:7-9)  Both of these scriptures paint the picture of God hovering over His children, shielding and protecting them from harm or danger.  As I heard these words, I lost my breath, my eyes flooded with tears, and I was taken over by the love of my God.  Then the pastor spoke these words that overwhelmed my heart all the more... He said "Between the need (financial, emotional, relational) and God's people are God's wings."  And then went on to speak about the foreshadowing of Jesus in this passage as well.  Jesus is our ultimate covering, our wings that cover our sins and make us white as snow.  I am overwhelmed guys.... overwhelmed by a God that loves me this much.  My heart is full of joy with this knowledge!  God loves us, He sent Jesus as our eternal covering, we can hide under the shadow of the blood of Christ and know we are safe.  We are safe. 

Hide me now under Your wings

Cover me within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul in Christ alone

Know His power in quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood 

I will be still and know You are God

Still by Hillsong

You make beautiful things

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that there is still so much beauty in God's creation.  These places make my heart soar with wonder at their Creator! What a beautiful God I serve to make such beautiful places!


I was exposed to this link via www.aholyexperience.com 

/http://www.viralnova.com/here-are-20-unbelievable-places-you-would-swear-arent-real-but-they-are/

The breath of God

How do I love my body… I was recently asked this question by a sweet friend who loves fitness and encourages so many people to live their lives as healthy as possible! At first I was sure I had an answer question that was unique, or a different perspective. I thought to myself… just as anyone else I suppose… anyone else with a limited budget, small children, and sleepless nights.   I try to eat well, or at least I try to remember to eat.  I try to be active, which is fairly easy chasing after two children under three.  I try to give my body rest, in between the cooking, cleaning, nursing, changing, rocking, playing, and did I mention I have an amazing husband I try to reserve some energy for?  I try to drink plenty of water, mostly in my coffee! You know just like all you other Mommas out there. But as I did my quiet time this morning I was reminded of another reason to love my body.  God made it, God crafted it from dust and combined it with His very breath; the breath that crafted the rest of creation was blown into the nostrils of man to give him life.  This same breath, the Holy Spirit, is breathed into our hearts to give us new life on the day of salvation.  I don’t know about anyone else but this is pretty incredible to me.  My body, this imperfect, worn down vessel, houses the breath of God!  I am created in His image… I look like Him.  In my best moments I reflect my Creator.  He created me, therefore He alone gets to name me, and He calls me His beloved.  This is a breathtaking, heart pounding, butterflies in my stomach kind of love.  If I house His breath in my body, than this body is pretty amazing and I will do everything I can to take care of the vessel He crafted to bring Him the glory He deserves! This is the scripture in Genesis that provoked this thought process... 

Genesis 2:7

...then the Lord formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into His nostrils the breath of life. (emphasis added)

The Artist

     Okay, someone please tell me that they have days like this... hard, hard, long days.  You know, the ones where you wake up and within moments you realize this is not going to be a day to write home about.  In fact this might even be a day to write down to remind yourself that things could get worse.  That, my friends, was my day yesterday.  To say that I handled it with grace and patience would be a gross overstatement of the truth.  I can say this, my children survived, I survived, the house survived (barely), and it is a new day.  This has been a really long hard season of cold weather, financial hardship, and sickness in the Tidwell household. So each day that passes and the sun rises I feel a little bit more ragged, but also a little bit more hopeful.  I remember the Bible says that each morning His mercies are new.  I get to restart, I get to recenter my heart and mind and focus on the things that are eternal, the things that matter. 
     I am learning, but I am a really slow learner sometimes.  This morning, however, the Lord reminded me that I am imperfect, I am flawed, I am human... but that He loves me and He isn't done with me yet.  These are the days that are shaping me, making me the woman and creature He sees.  I have heard many times about the statue of David that Michelangelo created.  You know, the famous one.  (Don't worry if you didn't know it was created by Michelangelo, I had to look it up... I'm not just smart like that!) But I do remember the story of someone asking Michelangelo how he creates such beautiful art out of a hunk of rock.  He said something like this... I look at the unshaped stone and chisel away all of the pieces that don't belong.  I look at the stone and see the finished product and just cut away the pieces until it is revealed.  
     Powerful... the Lord brought this to my mind as I was feeling really useless and like an utter failure this morning.  I haven't been patient with my children, my house is in constant disarray and I shouldn't care because all the "good moms" don't care about their house being messy due to their children.  (Side note: I just wonder if these "good moms" have the same tiny tornadoes living under their roofs?)  I have been irritable with my husband.... and the list could go on.  You know, the voice you hear when The Accuser really gets in your ear.  But as I sat in tears this morning, just praying for peace and patience with my family, and trying to figure out why I felt so out of sorts, God reminded me that He is my Creator, my Artist, the Michelangelo of my unshaped soul.  And He sees the finished product, He sees what is underneath all of the rough edges and jagged parts.  And that He is still working on me.  Just as I pray to have grace for others I need to pray for grace for myself.  He is using these times, these seasons of exhaustion and survival, to reveal the creation underneath, like a chisel, chipping away the jagged edges.  (This process is unending and uncomfortable, but totally worth it!) And one day, at the end of this string of time we call life, I will be the perfect creature He sees, but until then I strive to love others, give grace and patience and mercy to them and also to myself... and trust The Artist to do the rest.  

Dangling off the edge (Warning: these photographs just might prick your heart!)

image by Elena Shumilova


The photographer posted above has captured my heart and my soul in photographs.  I am not a connoisseur of photography or anything. I simply recognize what stirs in my heart.  This is one of those photographs that stopped me in my tracks.  I could hear the Holy Spirit in my soul whispering and wooing me.  This is the season of life I am in... my family is in. It is not a "bad" season, it's really beautiful in its own way.  It is a season of standing on the edge of the known and looking out into the waters of the unknown, toes dangling off the edge, trusting that whatever is on the other side of that step is in God's hands.  I look at this photograph and feel the peace of the Lord running through my body, from my fingertips to my tiptoes. I know that I know that the Lord is for me, I know that He will never leave me, I know He knows all, sees all... I know He has a plan.  I also know that does not mean an "easy life", a carefree life, a life I can handle... it means a life He can handle and I simply have to take that next step in faith, just trust Him.  I am grateful for this season of learning unconditional trust in God.  I am learning that the temporal things of this world are not my goal of life, my goal of life is the eternal, and the eternal is not learned or seen from the dock, it is only experienced in the "unknown", the step after your toes are dangling off the edge.  I am ready and willing Lord.  Teach me to know You, to trust You more, for alone are worthy. 

P.S. for more photographs from Elena follow this link...
http://www.boredpanda.com/animal-children-photography-elena-shumilova/
She is truly phenomenal... This photograph spoke to my soul as well...
 Run with abandon soul! Go after God's promises!

The wise man builds his house upon the rock

     Wow, two blog posts in one month... that should say one thing... God is working out something serious in my heart.  This season, the past month or so, has been, shall we say, not unlike a roller coaster.  My heart is full and exhausted, my mind is racing and empty, my schedule is booked and unknown.  If these sound a little oxymoronical, tell me about it! We have had some of our best moments in this season, some of our sweetest memories have been made, some of our most God-revealing provisions.  However, we have also had the most unknowns handed to us, the most faith-requiring decisions to make, and the most "doesn't make sense to the world" leaps to take.  I am excited, I am anxious, I am hopeful, I am uncertain... I am tired.  God continues to woo me into His presence with a beckoning of rest.  "Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest".  I am reminded of the praise song that God wooed me with some years ago...
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hands
Lay back against you and breathe
and feel your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming
That picture, that peace, that intimacy with God is what I am desiring.  If I am to be overwhelmed, may I be overwhelmed by the Lord.  He is the only person, thing, situation, worthy of overwhelming me.  So with that foundation laid, let me explain what He is doing in my heart today...
     That old Sunday School song... The wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock and the rain came tumbling down, the rain came down and the floods came up but the house on the rock stood firm. Well, I woke up this morning singing that song. (I am aware that you are probably going to sing this song in your head all day... your welcome!)  God was asking me... where is your house built? Is it on sinking sand or on Christ the solid rock? If it is truly on Christ the solid rock than the wind may come, the rain may fall, the waves may crash, but the house will stand.  It will get wet, it will creak in the wind, it may take a beating, but in the end the house will still stand.  We are not promised not to experience the wind, the rain, the crashing waves.  We are not told to be unaffected by the storm, to stand there completely unfeeling.  We are just told to trust in our foundation... On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.  This is our hope, our assurance, our foundation.  Jesus, only Jesus.