Heavy

Have you ever had one of those days that you knew from the moment you woke up that it wasn’t going to be an easy one?  Like your dreams were prepping you for a long haul?  This is one of those days… I can’t put my finger on the root of the problem either… my heart just feels… heavy?  I guess that’s the word I will use.  My heart feels heavy.  The weather is beautiful, warm, (read hot and humid really I mean we are talking about Tennessee summers) sunny, and for some reason that makes it worse, like the weather is mocking me and my heavy heart.  Days like today, when I feel gloomy and down, I just wish it would be rainy and agree with my countenance.  I’m not really even sure why I’m writing today, I don’t really have an encouraging word or a lesson that I feel like God is trying to teach me.  I just felt like typing away and allowing my mind and heart to flow freely.  I know that God is present with me, I know He knows my heart better than I do, He knows the root of my heaviness.  This is just one of those moments where it’s like my soul recognizes that it is living in a world that it doesn’t really belong in.  I can feel it yearning for more, more intimacy with God, more healing in my broken places.  I keep repeating the verse in Zephaniah that says that God will quiet me with His love and rejoice over me with singing.  I believe that song today is one that sounds more like a lullaby, a little mournful, full of longing.  I know I won’t stay in this place long, I know that the fullness and joy of the Lord will pull me out of this temporary sadness and frustration.  I know the Lord will take my heavy heart and give me rest.  I know that it is well with my soul even now.  This is where I am in this moment on this day. 

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul.  

Freedom? Really?

Captivity is a complex and interesting thing. I have written about my struggle with insecurity and with my desire for approval from pretty much anyone with breath in their lungs.  I have experienced some freedom from this, but as I find myself in a new transitional season I see those same familiar flickers of insecurity rising up once again.  My heart is so tired of going around and around the same issues, the same battles, yet here I am again, circling my cage and chains that once held me captive thinking "Maybe that wasn't so bad, I mean I at least knew what to expect".  And there it is... the ugly truth, I have known bondage and captivity for so long it is more comfortable to me than freedom!  Don't worry I do know how screwed up that is! I picked up the Breaking Free Bible study by Beth Moore (for the 3rd time) and began again.  God is so faithful and tender toward his children.  He chastises us,  he reproves, he corrects, but then... oh He is sweeter than honey and loves me so fiercely! Isaiah 61:1-4 was where He lead me this morning once again...  it says that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to comfort those who mourn, to trade us beauty for our ashes.  That is scandalously beautiful to me! That is love like the world has never known! As I envision  myself circling the cage of my insecurities and the chains of man's approval I hear Jesus calling out "That is NOT where you belong, that is not your safe place, come to me when you are weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me about freedom, for I am gentle and humble in me you will find rest.  My yoke is easy and burden is light." And there is the truth in the midst of the lies Satan would have me believe.  I am uneasy wandering around free from my bondage because I need to bind myself to Jesus!  He is calling me to leave behind the chains and cages of worldly slavery and bind my wandering heart to HIM!  His yoke is easy... those words are like an earthquake to my soul shaking my core to awakening.  This is freedom... Lord thank you for freedom from bondage and a safe place to run.  Take me far from this place and bind my heart to Christ and his sacrifice.  Help me to recognize the beauty of this freedom, the captivating and devastating freedom found only in Him.  

When God sounds a lot like Bob Marley

The past few weeks have been full of a whole lot of down time.  Lynnlee contracted hand, foot, mouth disease and a severe diaper rash so we have pretty much been quarantined to the house.  Because of this forced slow down (see previous post for the irony, oh God you are quite the comic!) I have been able to spend some pretty serious time with the Lord.  No distractions, no time limits, just lots and LOTS of quiet time.  Just me and God.  Alone with my thoughts and my wandering heart.  AGAIN I found myself feeling lonely, distant, and frustrated about these emotions and their origins.  This time I decided to take my heart to God, in the absolute quietness.  I asked Him what I was supposed to do with these emotions. (I know scripture tells us to lead our hearts, but where do I lead it?!)  It was then that I began to feel a small stirring in my heart, a whisper, "I delight in you."  Okay God, I hear you, I know you love me, you made me and my emotions.  But what do I do right now? How do I feel better?  Where is this loneliness coming from?  Again I heard the small whisper "I delight in you."  So I started looking in the Bible where that phrase appeared, I found several, like lots and lots, so I dug in and began to read them in the order they appeared in scripture.  Suddenly I came across one that lit my heart up like New Years in New York City... Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in your,  He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."  Seriously!!! Read that again! God was telling me He was singing to me?!? Be still my beating heart!! What a romantic notion! The creator of the universe, of music, of lyric, wants to "quiet me with His love" and sing to me! I bet God's voice is silky smooth like the old crooners.  I'm pretty sure Frank Sinatra ain't God nothing on the Lord!  What would He sing to me?  Would it be an old hymn or some Psalm in scripture? How would I know, I wanted to hear it! What lyrics and melody would He choose, would it be slow or fast?  
This morning I woke up with a song in my head that I can only say is unexpected and inexplicable... "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright."  Really God??? Bob Marley?? The more I sang the more my heart began to soar, a weight lifted from my shoulders. My God, the lover and author of my soul knows me better than anyone else... He knows my worries, my heart, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses,  He was telling me that He still has it.  It's all under His control.  And He loves me enough to whisper it in a love song.  Oh what a God!!