God of my heart

     It certainly has been a while since I have written.  This is not for any specific reason, lots of life changes, seasons of learning, and lack of prompting is to blame I suppose.  However, this morning as I did my Bible study a truth hit me like a sack of potatoes straight to my forehead... a truth that many of you may already have understood, a truth that I thought I knew.  But as I read the scripture prompted to me by the study it felt like a new revelation, oh how I love it when God's Word comes to life and pricks my heart!  The scripture that I was reading was in Ezekiel, though the concept is written about in several areas.  Before I tell you the passage let me explain why this is so significant, for the past few months I have been delving into a Bible Study with a group of women from my Sunday School class at church.  The study is entitled "No Other God's", it deals with idols, functional gods that we place in our hearts and lives that take the place of the only One and True God.  At first I had a hard time identifying what idols that God was trying to reveal to me through this study.  As the weeks have passed it has become increasingly clear that approval is the idol that drowns out the importance of God in my life.  Nothing will derail me faster than someone disapproving of me and my heart, this can be either blatantly or passively by simply ignoring my existence.  If you have read my blog for any amount of time you probably already know this about me.  This is not a new or novel concept that God has been dealing with in my heart.  However, for some time now I had decided that in order to fix this issue myself I would simply control how many people were close enough in my life to be able to hurt me in this way.  Sounds simple enough, logical even.  The issue is this was not a permanent fix to this problem.  It was a temporary solution to the idol of approval in my heart.  The idol was still there, I was just going to avoid it.  Onto the passage that spoke most directly to me, it was Ezekiel 36:25-26.  God's Word says: ²⁵ I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. ²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.   
Did you catch that?  He gives us the solution to getting rid of the idols in our hearts, PERMANENTLY! The answer is Jesus.  The answer is allowing God to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.  Kelly Minter, the author of "No Other Gods" summed up my feelings on this subject perfectly: "The bottom line is this: we don't have the power in ourselves to dismantle the idols of our hearts.  Only by the power and grace of God can such a thing be accomplished."  There you have it.  God gently and tenderly taking hold of my body and saying "Stop striving so hard to do things that you cannot do my child.  Let me, let me help you."  I don't know about you but that is like a deep breath after running a marathon.  Lord, help me to give you my heart for a transplant.  Make room for You to be the One and Only God in my heart.  

Beauty....

Do you think I'm beautiful?  As a woman, I must have asked this question a million times in my 25 years of life.  Sometimes out loud, when I'm feeling really vulnerable and in need of validation, sometimes silently in my heart.  Either way the sentiment was the same, someone tell me I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, that I'm seen.  In 2007 I was in a frenzy with this question crippling my heart.  I picked up a Bible study that was addressing this issue, and for the first time in my life I took this question to God.  My prayer was this "God do you really think I'm beautiful? With all my baggage and ugliness? When you look at me do you see someone really desirable? Can you really be in love with me? Am I worth it?"  That prayer was dated December 30, 2007.  Maybe you can relate... maybe you have prayed a similar prayer, or wanted to but didn't feel like it was appropriate.  Maybe, on the other hand, you have always been told you were beautiful, but nothing more and beauty doesn't seem appealing to you.  Either way God's reply to my prayer has been resounding since that night in 2007, "That desire to feel beautiful I placed in your heart has served it's purpose. I am wildly in love with you. I am the answer to your longing, the 'more' your heart is waiting for is Me."

I had spent most of my life looking for someone who made me feel beautiful, smart, funny, and worthy of love.  I may find it for moments of time, only to be disappointed when no one could consistently come through for me.  The idea that God could think I'm beautiful seemed too good to be true.  The thought, frankly, made me uncomfortable.  It seemed arrogant or presumptuous, either way it seemed wrong.  But through the past five years God has revealed more and more scripture that speaks of His love for me, His thoughts toward me.  Psalm 45:11- The king is enthralled with your beauty.  Zephaniah 3:17- The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love, he will exult over  you with loud singing.  Luke 8: 47-  Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet.  

Maybe this whole idea sounds too good to be true to you as well.  Maybe it makes you a little uncomfortable.  Maybe you used to feel beautiful, but age and society has changed your perspective on yourself.  Maybe it's circumstances and sin in your life that makes you feel as though you could never be considered beautiful by God.  I would challenge you to take your hearts desire to the Lord and let Him speak over you, let Him reveal the truth about who you are.  Let Him love you with His perfect and unconditional love and grace.  It's been a wonderful five year journey of God loving me to Him.  I look forward to the rest of this journey to come.  

Big news!!!!!!

We are growing!!!!! (and we couldn't be more excited... or nauseous!) :) 

The discipline of wise speech

     Anyone who knows me (or spends more than 5 seconds around me) knows that I like to talk.  I was born with the gift of gab.  My mom and grandmother often tell stories of me at a very early age being able to hold full adult conversations.  I love to sit for hours on end with a good cup of coffee and a girl friend of a like mind and talk the day away.  Lynnlee is picking up on this little characteristic as well.  That little munchkin can hold her own in a conversation (now granted you can't understand 90% of it).  
     I say all of that to say that when God is not at the center of my heart and I am not focusing on His glorification I can get WAY off track with my speech.  The past few weeks in church my pastor has been speaking on wisdom and the importance that speech plays in attaining, maintaining, and teaching wisdom.  Needless to say I have been dealing with some serious convictions.  But as I was praying and reading scriptures this week God has been so gracious and loving to me on this topic.  First, He reminded me that He created me just the way I am, loud voice and large vocabulary included.  Second, He reminded me of the passion He placed inside of me for the hearts of other women and encouraging their walk with Jesus.  And third, He reminded me that He doesn't convict me and then leave me in my conviction, hoping that I figure it out.  He gives me grace and wisdom if I seek Him.  
     So this week has been sort of like the first week back in the gym after a long hiatus.  It's been a little awkward, frustrating, and exhausting.  But also encouraging... God has been so good to place conversation and opportunity in my path this week that has been uplifting.  He has prompted me to be silent or to speak with grace and mercy.  He has given Travis and I opportunity to have those intimate conversations so that I can use my words to encourage and lift him up. (If you haven't tried this with your husbands, I'm telling you from experience, a little encouragement and praise goes a LONG LONG way!)  Proverbs 10:11 speaks of this kind of speech like this: "The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life..." Lord may my speech be like a fountain of life... refreshing those I come in contact with and encouraging and uplifting others with my words.  

Discipline and Self Control

Okay for real don't stop reading at the title... these are not popular topics to think/talk/write about.  But this is what God is teaching me right now, I know fun right? The problem with discipline and self control is that it is so darn hard!  I mean how easy is it to keep your mouth shut when you have nothing good to say, wake up when the alarm goes off to have time with the Lord when you would rather see the inside of your eye lids, maintain your patience with your (my) 18 month old when she (for the third time) loses your keys.  These are all simple things that point to one truth about me, I have no self control and discipline.  But I am learning.  I have learned that I cannot muster up the ability to have self control all on my own.  The good news is that God doesn't just leave us there doomed to failure in our self control and discipline.  Because whatever God commands, He also gives us the grace to obey.  That is great news for me! I mean how many times have I tried to do this on my own only to end up discouraged and feeling like a failure.  The answer is that I need to turn to God for the guidance and the grace required to obey this command.  And it's not for me to say that I am "holy" or something along those lines.  I am modeling for my 18 month old munchkin, how to be a woman of God.  How can I look at her in her fits of rage and say "Lynnlee Jade, you need to use your self control and not hit Mommy because you are angry." Unless I can also listen to the Holy Spirit tell me "Courtney, you need to close your mouth about that person no matter how badly you have been hurt" or "Courtney, you need to get your butt out of bed and have some time with the Lord before your little personal tornado wakes up."  God, please grant me to grace to obey Your command to self control and discipline.  Free me from my selfishness and pride and allow me to see and hear your voice leading me in the way of righteousness.  

Heritage-blessing or burden

I am always up for a good read.  I love to read, and I will pretty much read any genre, however my favorite by far is christian living.  I recently began reading through Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Maheney with a group of women from my church.  This weeks chapter was on children... being a "new" mother (I'm not really sure when I don't qualify as "new" anymore, I still feel like a new mother so I guess I will continue to call myself one until I feel differently, that may never happen... anyway...) I am always looking for Godly advice on child rearing and loving my child.  This chapter is hands down the best compilation of advice and biblical council on this topic I feel I have come across.  Carolyn makes the point first and foremost that children are a heritage, a blessing from the Lord.  Not a financial burden, not a responsibility, not a burden to carry around for the rest of your life like a baggage set.  Children are a gift from God.  I know that sounds so simple, so elementary.  But whenever I read this I was sitting in the middle of my living room surrounded by books, blocks, stuffed animals, dirty diapers, and a sticky child that was insisting on putting her fingers all over my new Kindle.  I was feeling a little less blessed and a little more burdened.  God convicted me right on the spot and I looked at my sweet little Lynnlee, my filthy, sassy, mouthy, joy-filled, energy exuding baby girl and her sticky hands and face and saw it.  I saw the blessing, I saw the joy of motherhood in her eyes.  The chapter went on to say that we can get so lost in the serving part of motherhood that we lose the opportunity to enjoy them, to really delight in our children.  The Bible commands us as mother's to love our children.  The word for love that is chosen to describe this emotion is phileo, this kind of love means to delight in, to feel joy.  This is the blessing of motherhood, that we have the opportunity to love them with a phileo kind of love, to delight in them.  This doesn't mean that we give in to their every whim and desire, that is not loving them that is indulging them.  That doesn't mean we don't discipline them, that is not loving them that is neglecting them.  It means we do all the things we do for our children because we delight in them.  In every single thing I do for Lynnlee I should ask myself the question "How will this affect her soul?"  That is our ultimate responsibility, to love them so well that they are drawn to the Lord.  If I truly do this each and every day, take this responsibility to love her with a phileo kind of love, to reprove and correct her in a way that leads her to Jesus, motherhood takes on a whole new meaning.  "There is nothing easy about good mothering. It can be back breaking, heart wrenching, and anxiety producing. And that's just the morning."  But with that great responsibility comes an even greater grace from God! Thank you Lord for the blessing of this child! 

Heavy

Have you ever had one of those days that you knew from the moment you woke up that it wasn’t going to be an easy one?  Like your dreams were prepping you for a long haul?  This is one of those days… I can’t put my finger on the root of the problem either… my heart just feels… heavy?  I guess that’s the word I will use.  My heart feels heavy.  The weather is beautiful, warm, (read hot and humid really I mean we are talking about Tennessee summers) sunny, and for some reason that makes it worse, like the weather is mocking me and my heavy heart.  Days like today, when I feel gloomy and down, I just wish it would be rainy and agree with my countenance.  I’m not really even sure why I’m writing today, I don’t really have an encouraging word or a lesson that I feel like God is trying to teach me.  I just felt like typing away and allowing my mind and heart to flow freely.  I know that God is present with me, I know He knows my heart better than I do, He knows the root of my heaviness.  This is just one of those moments where it’s like my soul recognizes that it is living in a world that it doesn’t really belong in.  I can feel it yearning for more, more intimacy with God, more healing in my broken places.  I keep repeating the verse in Zephaniah that says that God will quiet me with His love and rejoice over me with singing.  I believe that song today is one that sounds more like a lullaby, a little mournful, full of longing.  I know I won’t stay in this place long, I know that the fullness and joy of the Lord will pull me out of this temporary sadness and frustration.  I know the Lord will take my heavy heart and give me rest.  I know that it is well with my soul even now.  This is where I am in this moment on this day. 

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul.  

Freedom? Really?

Captivity is a complex and interesting thing. I have written about my struggle with insecurity and with my desire for approval from pretty much anyone with breath in their lungs.  I have experienced some freedom from this, but as I find myself in a new transitional season I see those same familiar flickers of insecurity rising up once again.  My heart is so tired of going around and around the same issues, the same battles, yet here I am again, circling my cage and chains that once held me captive thinking "Maybe that wasn't so bad, I mean I at least knew what to expect".  And there it is... the ugly truth, I have known bondage and captivity for so long it is more comfortable to me than freedom!  Don't worry I do know how screwed up that is! I picked up the Breaking Free Bible study by Beth Moore (for the 3rd time) and began again.  God is so faithful and tender toward his children.  He chastises us,  he reproves, he corrects, but then... oh He is sweeter than honey and loves me so fiercely! Isaiah 61:1-4 was where He lead me this morning once again...  it says that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to comfort those who mourn, to trade us beauty for our ashes.  That is scandalously beautiful to me! That is love like the world has never known! As I envision  myself circling the cage of my insecurities and the chains of man's approval I hear Jesus calling out "That is NOT where you belong, that is not your safe place, come to me when you are weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me about freedom, for I am gentle and humble in me you will find rest.  My yoke is easy and burden is light." And there is the truth in the midst of the lies Satan would have me believe.  I am uneasy wandering around free from my bondage because I need to bind myself to Jesus!  He is calling me to leave behind the chains and cages of worldly slavery and bind my wandering heart to HIM!  His yoke is easy... those words are like an earthquake to my soul shaking my core to awakening.  This is freedom... Lord thank you for freedom from bondage and a safe place to run.  Take me far from this place and bind my heart to Christ and his sacrifice.  Help me to recognize the beauty of this freedom, the captivating and devastating freedom found only in Him.  

When God sounds a lot like Bob Marley

The past few weeks have been full of a whole lot of down time.  Lynnlee contracted hand, foot, mouth disease and a severe diaper rash so we have pretty much been quarantined to the house.  Because of this forced slow down (see previous post for the irony, oh God you are quite the comic!) I have been able to spend some pretty serious time with the Lord.  No distractions, no time limits, just lots and LOTS of quiet time.  Just me and God.  Alone with my thoughts and my wandering heart.  AGAIN I found myself feeling lonely, distant, and frustrated about these emotions and their origins.  This time I decided to take my heart to God, in the absolute quietness.  I asked Him what I was supposed to do with these emotions. (I know scripture tells us to lead our hearts, but where do I lead it?!)  It was then that I began to feel a small stirring in my heart, a whisper, "I delight in you."  Okay God, I hear you, I know you love me, you made me and my emotions.  But what do I do right now? How do I feel better?  Where is this loneliness coming from?  Again I heard the small whisper "I delight in you."  So I started looking in the Bible where that phrase appeared, I found several, like lots and lots, so I dug in and began to read them in the order they appeared in scripture.  Suddenly I came across one that lit my heart up like New Years in New York City... Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in your,  He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."  Seriously!!! Read that again! God was telling me He was singing to me?!? Be still my beating heart!! What a romantic notion! The creator of the universe, of music, of lyric, wants to "quiet me with His love" and sing to me! I bet God's voice is silky smooth like the old crooners.  I'm pretty sure Frank Sinatra ain't God nothing on the Lord!  What would He sing to me?  Would it be an old hymn or some Psalm in scripture? How would I know, I wanted to hear it! What lyrics and melody would He choose, would it be slow or fast?  
This morning I woke up with a song in my head that I can only say is unexpected and inexplicable... "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright."  Really God??? Bob Marley?? The more I sang the more my heart began to soar, a weight lifted from my shoulders. My God, the lover and author of my soul knows me better than anyone else... He knows my worries, my heart, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses,  He was telling me that He still has it.  It's all under His control.  And He loves me enough to whisper it in a love song.  Oh what a God!!

After the celebration

It seems like it has been a while since I have written last.  So much has happened since then… I did in fact graduate from Grad School.  Travis and I celebrated our 5^th anniversary.  And somewhere in the midst of the celebrating my heart began to grow cold, distant, fearful.   I made a promise to my sister whenever I was debating starting this blog, the promise was that I would always be honest about what I was writing.  I would not censor myself for the sake of an audience.  I would not “pretend” things were okay when they weren’t.  Because of that promise I have often taken breaks from blogging while I was in the midst of some trials or hard times.  This time, however, I feel God prompting me to share my heart.  This is the first time in my entire life that the path for my future was not clearly laid out before me.  For the first time the “lull” in my schedule is not temporary, but rather indefinite.  I love that, really I do, my heart sighs of relief every time Sunday rolls around and I realize, wait, I have nothing pressing to do to be ready for this week!  However, I have also realized that my heart is not disciplined enough for this much free time.  My emotions begin to run amok and my mind becomes a playground for my emotions to run around like a small child.  So this is me being honest, this is my true state of being.  My natural inclination is to run to the next thing I can volunteer with in order to fill my free time.  And maybe, in the end, that is what God will ask me to do.  But for now I feel like I need to resist the urge to bury my heart in busyness and figure out where in my heart lies the inability to function in free time.  I am praying that as I continue this journey of motherhood and wifedom that I will learn how to be consistent in the stillness.  That I would not need to be so busy running from one thing to the next to function fully.  God please forgive me, my flesh is still so weak.  Forgive my emotional wanderings; forgive my lack of motivation and conviction to run to You.  Let Your grace Lord like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee, Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love, here’s my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.                                      

When the seas are calm...

The past couple months have been full of good things… blessings from the Lord.  Travis’ new job is going really well, he loves what he is doing and he is doing it so well!  I am ALMOST done with my Master’s degree (graduation is May 12^th; I can see the finish line!)  Our 5 year wedding anniversary is at the end of this month (we have been together for almost nine years, if you don’t know our story).  We are really digging in and serving at our church and getting to know our church family more and more.  Things are going pretty smoothly at the moment.  My tendency, my natural urge, is to worry about what is coming in the future.  I find myself thinking “what is the next storm going to look like, what will it consist of, what will it mean for me?” I am such a “worrier” and have serious control issues.  Throughout the years I have been more comfortable in the midst of a storm than sailing the smooth seas.  At least when I’m in the storm it’s not in the category of “the unknown”.  This is crazy I know, I mean who in their right mind would say such a thing?  God really spoke to me during my prayer time this morning and reminded me of a scripture in Proverbs, a scripture I should be completely familiar with considering I have just done not one but two studies on the subject matter.  (I am a slow learner and usually have to learn things the hard way, not a characteristic I am particularly proud of)  The verse is Proverbs 31:25; “She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come”.  This verse doesn’t say “there will be nothing bad in the days to come”, it doesn’t give us the illusion that the days to come are going to be easy and storm free.  Instead, what this verse says is that because of the God-given strength and dignity of this woman she is able to look at calamity in the face and LAUGH?!  God reminded me that He is the author and creator of my soul, He is the writer of my story, and He alone knows what is impending in the future.  All He asks of me is that I trust in Him; love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  When I am doing this well I truly can “laugh at the days to come”, if my God is for me who or what could be against me?  So this is what I am learning:  I am learning to be content in the times of blessing and calm, I am learning to “be still and know that He is God”, I am learning to sail the seas in the moment of calm preparing for the next storm by trusting in the Captain (I mean that only makes sense considering He created the seas), I am learning that my strength and dignity comes not from myself but from God, I am learning to “laugh at the days to come”. 

What's in a name?

     “What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Man do I love Shakespeare, the drama, the language, ahhh the romance.  Yes, I am a hopeless romantic in some ways; I love a good love story, one with twists and turns, ups and downs.  But I think maybe Shakespeare missed the mark on this quote.  I think that what we call something, or someone, is of great importance.  I mean think about it, we love to hear our names called out.  We love to write it down in different ways.  We would hear it in a crowd full of conversation.  We identify ourselves by our names, by what people call us.  This thought took me down a wonderful path of healing several years ago when someone proposed this question to me “What does God call you?”  I had never thought of this.  I had never questioned who God said I was.  Now this was very important for me during this season in my life as I was struggling through figuring out who I was, what I was going to do with my life, and where my worth laid.  If you recall in scripture God often changed the names of people at a significant point in their journey with Him.  Abram became Abraham, Saul became Paul.  This is important; this is how they knew who they were in God’s plan.  So I began to pray “God, who do YOU say that I am?” I prayed for months, I cried out to Him for an answer. 

     At this point in my life I was broken, my heart was hurting, I felt useless and worthless.  I had just graduated from Union University, a private faith-based college in West Tennessee.  I was so proud of myself for my accomplishment; however I had no idea who I was anymore.  I had ALWAYS been a student; I had always been a “good” student.  I knew what my worth was; it was attached to my transcript.  Suddenly I was… what?  This is where I met God, in the floor of my living room (think criss-cross-applesauce style) with my Bible open and my eyes flooded with tears.  I was begging Him to tell me who I was.

     I was sitting quietly staring at my feet (I have a tattoo of “beloved” in Hebrew on my left foot).  God began to stir in my heart “You are MY beloved”.  I was completely uncomfortable with this thought.  Beloved??? Really??? That sounded so intimate, so romantic?!  Is that really how God felt about me?  I had always thought of God as “Father”, a concept I was comfortable with considering the absence of mine in my childhood.  This is when I realized it was equally as important for me to know what I called God, what was His name in my relationship with Him.  He was calling me His beloved, He was beckoning me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him, one that is beyond child and father, one that is deeper than friend.  So that is where my love affair with God began.  In the floor of my living room, with my heart poured out before Him, God began a slow dance with me.  He took the lead and began twirling me around the dance floor telling me of His love for me.  I had never felt so known, so understood!  God’s desire for all of us is this intimacy, this closeness.  He is not only a father, judge, mentor, friend, He is all of those things, but He is also the LOVER OF YOUR SOUL.  I pray that you would have the opportunity to learn who God says you are, that you would experience this love and intimacy when God calls you by your name.  

Jesus, beyond religion

     I just finished reading a book by John Eldridge called “Beautiful Outlaw”.  Now I read quite a bit, I like both fiction and non-fiction.  I enjoy a good tear jerker, as well as a “search your soul and apply” kind of read.  But I can honestly say, in my twenty-five years of breathing and learning on this earth, that I have never read a book like this one.  John takes a completely counter-cultural (at least in the Christian culture) look at Jesus and describes him ever so bluntly.  I was in love at first chapter.  This Jesus that I have served for the majority of my life, but somehow always felt a distance from, was being brought to me in a full access, as close as my skin, kind of way.  Let me tell you what I have learned… I have learned that Jesus was not a dry, boring, mystical speaking, miracle performing, above humanity type of man.  As a matter of fact he was the exact opposite! The distance we have put between us and Jesus, the “honor and respect but don’t rock the boat too much” type of religion that so many of us have believed, however unknowingly, is completely contrary to the Jesus we would have experience in a face-to-face, flesh and bone encounter 2,000 years ago.  Jesus was FULL of personality, full of wit, sarcasm, love, compassion, and in-your-face defiance of religion.  Jesus was the fulfillment of relationship.  This makes complete sense when you think about the reason Jesus was born.  He chose to become a man, to walk with us, to love us intimately.  Not from a distance, not in a way that we could not relate to.  He chose to literally BE one of us.  He had to learn to crawl, walk, talk, eat with a spoon, lace up his sandals, and share with others, just like us.  He got dirty, sweaty, and yes even smelly, just as we do on a hot summer day.  He felt betrayal, abandonment, anger (though he did not sin), joy, and love.  He laughed, he cried, he danced, he walked for miles on end.  This is the real Jesus, this man who hung out with the boys (the men we like to call his disciples, like that makes them holy and therefore worthy of friendship with Jesus) he fished with them, ate with them, had inside jokes, and loved them dearly.  This is the kind of relationship he wants with us.  You, yes you, in all of your imperfections, flaws, busyness, fears, failures, and messiness.  (Note: I am speaking of myself there!)  Jesus wants YOU, he wants ME.  He wants to be not just part of my life, HE IS MY LIFE.  I get to live my life through him, in him, by him.  Without him living my life I can only be “good” for so long, I can only be so patient with my child and husband, I can only be so kind to the grumpy cashier, I can only be so content in my circumstances and then I fall apart.  With Jesus, this kind, noble, fun-loving, patient, yet powerful, passionate, and driven man I can be all of these things.  I do not want to forget this, I do not want to read this book and move on, I want to hold onto it like the precious treasure it is.  I want to know, really know, Jesus, love him for who he really is.  Hold tight to the truth of his personality and not go back to religion.  What I long for is authenticity in my relationship with him, to let him be himself with me, so that way I can be the best version of myself in this life. 

http://updates.ransomedheart.com/beautifuloutlawmain/

Being Still

My heart is heavy.  My body is weary.  My mind is exhausted.  I am, simply put, empty.  I am sitting in my living room on my couch, my house is dark because my family is sleeping.  However, no matter what I do I just lie there staring at the ceiling with an ache in my heart.  A loneliness that no one can fill.  As I was lying there silently crying I was praying.  To be honest I don't even know why my heart is so heavy, why I feel so lonely tonight.  Do you ever feel like that sometimes? Like you could be in a room full of people and no one gets you?  That's how I am feeling tonight.  That's what is keeping me awake when my body longs to be sleeping.  So on my couch I began praying and crying out to God... "what is wrong with me here? Why am I feeling this way?"  God ever so sweetly reminded me of His Word in Matthew 6:33 "Are you seeking ME first?"  Therein lies my answer.  I have been so busy trying to keep all my plates spinning and not let them come crashing down around me that I forgot the most basic of principles of walking with the Lord... I must seek HIM first, seek HIS righteousness, then He will direct my path.  There is something so freeing about trusting in God.  Trusting Him with ALL the details of my hearts desires, of my dreams, of my fears.  I stopped myself (mid sob) and spoke out loud... "Okay God, I really really can't do this."  God also reminded me that He knows my limits, He knows my needs better than I know them, and even more than that... He wants to fulfill my needs! I can stop trying to swim upstream fighting the current.  I can grab the life preserver and rest my weary body, soul, and mind.  I think about the feeling I used to get as a kid, you know the feeling when you have been in the pool swimming your heart out for what feels like forever, then suddenly you find a pool float and grab on.  That first moment when you realize you can stop kicking your feet and treading water, you can rest.  This what I am feeling tonight, rest.  This song just came to mind and I think it speaks directly to the intimacy of resting in the Lord...

I wanna sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hands

Lay back against You and breathe

And feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming. 

Thank You Father for rest and peace in a world of chaos and loneliness.  Thank You for knowing me so intimately that You long to fulfill my needs even before I can acknowledge them.  Tonight I choose to seek You first, I receive Your rest, I will be still. 

Lessons learned

Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I have written.  That is not for the most obvious reason as it may seem, that I have nothing to say, in fact it is the exact opposite, I have too much to say and I cannot seem to organize my thoughts into a coherent form.  So consider that your disclaimer, this entry could be all over the place!  These past few months God has been doing some serious work in my life! Some of the lessons have been incredibly hard (with some amazing applications!) and some have been such sweet and tender moments that I feel as though I could burst into tears as I type this! (Just for your information I actually do have tears in my eyes!) God is so good, He is so completely fulfilling and satisfying, His kindness, gentleness, and love fills me so completely that I feel as though I am bursting at the seams! Some months ago Travis and I began praying about what we needed to do to make our finances work, his hours had just been cut back at work (at a job that he really felt no sense of pride or loyalty in), I am about to graduate from my Master’s program and student loans are going to be rolling in, and we really feel as though we would like to try for another baby sometime this year. I began praying that God would do a work in my heart about the anxiety and fear I was feeling about our financial future.  For those of you who know me well know that I am a rather controlling person.  I have, on more than one occasion, been known to take the wheel even when God was in the driver’s seat.  However, in this circumstance, no matter how many times I ran the numbers, no matter how much I tried to cut corners and budget, the numbers were not in our favor.  This is when God stepped in and ever so gently lifted my head and wiped my weary and tear filled eyes and asked me a question, “Don’t you think I’m bigger than your financial difficulties?” WOW, that is all I can say to that, how small must I really believe that God is to think that He cannot handle my finances? Friends, my perspective on the Lord really needed an overhaul.  And an overhaul I have received.  I began praying that God would remind me in all circumstances to TRUST HIM.  This is so much easier said than done, every single situation in my life began spiraling out of my control, some for the worse and others for the better, but either way I could not control them.  This normally would have put me in a tailspin and I would have immediately slammed on the brakes to figure things out for myself.  But God continued asking me “Don’t you think I am bigger than…”  Fill in those blanks for yourself, but for me those blanks looked something like this… “Don’t you think I am bigger than your school work?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than your frustrations with Travis?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than your busyness?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than rekindling communication with your father?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than Lynnlee teething?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than your sins and struggles with obedience?” and the list could literally go on for pages! The answer to all of these questions is of course YES, but am I living my life that way?  If I was going to be honest with myself and the Lord, (and let’s face it, He already knows the truth, He knows our hearts and our thoughts for goodness sake!) I was not living my life out of this belief.  I began praying “God make me willing to be under Your authority and control, make me willing to submit to You” and let me try to explain the results of that prayer, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders, it was like shackles and chains falling down to the ground where I was standing.  Those shackles and chains that had held me captive, frozen in fear and anxiety about the uncontrollable began to be loosed, I was FREE! Dara Maclean sings a song called “You made me free”, here are some of the lyrics: You tell me, I’ve been made free, You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams, You whisper words that free my soul, You’re the reason I have hope, You’re everything I need and more, You made me, You made me free. That was exactly what God wanted for me, freedom!  That’s what He wants for all of us, freedom to trust in Him, freedom to experience His salvation that is full of mercy and grace, freedom to dream for the impossible! Thank you Lord for FREEDOM!!!!!!

Faith, prayer, and women teaching women

These past few weeks the Lord has really been dealing with my heart.  I am learning some really hard lessons, some of which I accept willingly and others well, let’s just say I am somewhat resistant. (Okay, really resistant) God is teaching me about prayer, faith, trust, control (and the release of it), and His character.  I came to His feet with a simple question that turns out, has a complex answer.  Maybe the answer is actually very simple, maybe I complicate it out of pride.  My question was this… “God how do I pray in faith knowing that you can answer my prayers, but not have expectations of HOW you will answer them?”  You see Travis and I have trusted God with our finances, we believe that God’s desire for our house was for me to be home with Lynnlee.  The numbers didn’t make sense; it felt like I was being irresponsible, it seemed like an illogical decision.  However, we prayed and felt that this was definitely His will.  Here we are a year later, I still feel as though I am to be in the home with my child.  I love being a stay-at-home-mommy.  I love knowing that Lynnlee is being taught and developed exactly as I believe God would have me to do.  But, there is the issue of finances.  We have made it the first year on our savings and by God’s mercy and providence.  Now we are beginning another year, the finances really don’t look like they will work.  Once again, it doesn’t make any sense for me to stay home.  So I began to pray at the beginning of the month for this month’s bills.  I prayed that God would provide what we needed; I prayed that He would show me what we were supposed to do.  This month has come and is on its way out and, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t LOOK like God has answered.  So what then?  What happens when God doesn’t answer in OUR terms… what happens when we pray and God doesn’t…

       Heal our bodies

       Give us raises

       Bring our child home

       Sell our house

       Give us a desperately desired spouse

       Deliver someone from addiction

What do we do then?  This is where I found myself this week.  This is where I brought the Lord my question of “What NOW?”  I have the privilege of having some wonderful mentors and women of faith in my life to speak truth in love.  One of them gently pointed out the pride in my heart, who am I to tell God how He ought to answer my prayers and when?  Another said to me “Courtney, you need to stop seeking God’s blessings and start seeking God… ‘Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all these things will be added to you.’ If you don’t have the faith right now, ask God for it, ALL good things come from the Lord.” And yet another woman of faith said to me, in a group setting but it might as well been directly to me, “God’s will for you, for your life, is GOOD!”  And then God, in all of His sweetness, got ahold of my heart during my prayer and Bible time yesterday in the text of Hebrews 11… the faith chapter, the text that tells us of those men and women of God who trusted the Lord in faith to provide for all their needs, fulfill His promises.  Lord, grant me a faith like these. Faith that can “conquer kingdoms, perform acts of righteousness, obtain promises, shut the mouths of lions, quench the power of fire, escape the edge of a sword, in weakness be made strong, become mighty in war, resurrect from the dead, endure torture, mocking, stoning, and even death, for the furtherance of YOUR Kingdom”-Hebrews 11:33-40.  This is not something I can muster up on my own, but I am praying, praying that the Lord will increase my faith, that I will know that HIS WILL IS GOOD FOR MY LIFE (and for yours!)  So thank you women of faith, thank you for speaking truth into my life and allowing the Lord to use you as He desires!

Security and Dignity

     Security, that is a word full of many emotions. When you have it you feel safe, comfortable, worthy, and able to delve into uncertainty. When you don't, when insecurity prevails, it can make you look like a fool, it can create boundaries in relationships and rob you of opportunities that the Lord may have for you. I have been on both sides of this coin. My life and circumstances in my development created extreme insecurities in myself, I was insecure about my appearance always wanting to change something about myself, I was insecure about my abilities always wondering if I was good enough, I was insecure about my position in friendships always afraid I was going to lose my friends or that they would find someone else that was better than me, and oh so many more.  Some of my insecurity came from situations that were out of my control, life happenings that made me believe that I was “less than”, unworthy. Some of my insecurities came from choices I made on my own, situations I allowed myself to be exposed to, people I allowed to tell me who I was. Either way, I found myself in my early twenties not know who I was or what I was good for. I honestly felt that I was not special to God, that I had nothing to offer the Kingdom, I was useless, and worse than that I was forgotten. That is until the past year or so. Let me tell you, as succinctly as possible, what God has done for me. 

     He has revealed His power and might in my life by redeeming me of my dignity, my worthiness, and shown me how to have security in Him! I have done soul searching to find the triggers of my insecurities, identified how it has made me look, act, and think foolishly, and He is now freeing me from my downward spiral of uselessness of my own making. He cannot truly use me until I know who I am in Him, who HE says I am. His desire, His will is for me to have my dignity back, so I know when I ask for it He is more than willing, excited even, to give that to me. I can stop hanging my head in shame when I walk into a room full of women wondering if I measure up, if they can see through my facade, if they know I feel like a poser. I have the freedom, because I am clothed with strength and dignity, according to Proverbs 31:25, I am clothed, covered by Christ, I am worthy! I pray that if you feel unworthy, if you catch yourself measuring against other women around you, if you find yourself disliking someone because they look like they have it all together, stop the cycle, stop missing out on the things that God has for you and ask Him to tell you the truth about YOU in that moment. Let Him love you and clothe you in strength and dignity, let Him remove all shame, guilt, fear, and insecurity and replace it with confidence in Christ and freedom! This is truly His desire, and it really is possible.  You are worthy, you are not forgotten, He sees you, He knows you, let Him give your security and dignity back. 

Proverbs 31:25

English Standard Version (ESV)

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
   and she laughs at the time to come.