Love is a battlefield

     Okay I know that the title of this blog entry is a bit convoluted. But stick with me, I promise I have a point.  I have been doing a lot of praying and soul searching about my relationship with my husband. Travis and I have been together for 8 years now, 4 of them we were dating. We certainly have had our shares of highs and lows during those years together. When we first started dating we were kids, we had no idea what was in store for our relationship, the only thing we knew was that we were kinda crazy about each other. We were the hopeless romantics, the couple you see and think “good grief that sweetness is making me nauseous!” Those of you who have been in a relationship know the emotion I am referring to... we called each other incessantly, wrote letters to each other when we were apart, did over the top romantic gestures for no reason, felt the overwhelming rush when we held hands or kissed, and swore that we would always feel that way for each other. Fast forward eight years and here we are, now don't get me wrong I am still a hopeless romantic. Travis is still the only man for me, but if I am being honest there are days that I feel that the everyday routine is more commonly experienced than any feeling of mushy gushy romance or excitement. From my last entry about desiring approval and acceptance you could see how this could create issues for my marriage.

     I long to be romanced, to be longed for, to feel special, as do a lot of women I assume. But when the everyday busyness overtakes the ability for Travis to connect emotionally I begin to search for that feeling of approval from other places. In my past I have searched for it from other people only to turn up empty. I have searched for it in my own busyness only to reach the point of exhaustion still longing for my heart to be filled. A few weeks ago I made the decision to start pursuing Travis by reading The Love Dare. I have had the book for several years and never could make it longer than 2 weeks. I would start it and get frustrated with Travis' lack of response toward me. This time I heard the Lord calling me to make myself vulnerable with my husband with no expectation of any certain response. Several weeks into the book I read a passage that was speaking about the fulfillment of the Lord in our lives. The passage stated: “every day you place expectations on your spouse. Sometimes they meet them, sometimes they don't. But they will never be able to totally satisfy the demands that you ask of them.” When I read those words I knew that I had been placing unreasonable demands on Travis to fill the place in my heart that ached for acceptance. God then began to speak to me about His desire to fill that place and give my heart the love I have always searched for.

I began to think about the story of Jesus and the woman at the well. He was trying to help her to understand that the living water He was offering would allow her to never be empty again, to never thirst for love again. I have an understanding for that woman's frustration and confusion, this world often promises fulfillment and acceptance in the form of relationships, money, children, careers, even religion. But once we begin to travel down those paths we quickly find ourselves empty and lost. That is because there is space in our hearts that nothing can completely fill, nothing that is but the Lord. We are made to worship, we are created with a desire for companionship with God. Without that relationship we are always going to feel a lack of completion. A disconnect from those we place that expectation upon, the expectation that they will never be able to to fulfill. Even though I understand that concept, on those days I am feeling empty and disconnected I have to consciously battle with myself about the source of those emotions. Is it really a lack of connection from my husband? Or is it that I have not allowed God to come in and fill me with HIS love, the never ending, always sufficient love of our Lord. This is a battle epic proportions, it is a battle for our hearts.