Okay I have to be completely honest, this entry is one that is rather hard for me to put out there for the entire world to have access to. However, since it is hard I know that it is the Lord that will speak through the words I will write.
I have an addiction. No it isn't drugs, alcohol, or even food, my addiction is the approval and acceptance of man. I have, in recent years, described myself as a "people pleaser", in an almost prideful way as if being pleasing to people is a goal to strive for. But as I am going through the process of getting real with the Lord and being real with those around me, I see that being real and pleasing people are rather difficult to marry together. I had a wonderful conversation with a family member over the Fourth of July weekend, we were talking about experiencing a freedom in Christ and the joy and fulfillment that only He can bring. She said "once you experience that type of relationship with the Lord you just want to share it with everyone you care about". I told her I completely agree, but later that night was laying in bed contemplating if I truly live out that statement. Do I really live my life and speak the truth in a way that leads those I love closer to a relationship of realness with God? Or, in an attempt to keep feathers from ruffling, do I allow them to continue down a path that leads to more distance, more shame, more emptiness?
When I look back on my walk with the Lord I see that path riddled with signs of my own desperation for acceptance from men. I see empty relationships that led to shame and lies. I see vain attempts at beauty that absorbed me so completely that I would starve myself for a second glance from a boy. I see silent screams for love and approval from my father to the extent that I would accept nothing less than perfection from myself. What did all of these journeys leave me with? They left me with pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, isolation, and most of all they left me with emptiness. If that was the end of my story this blog would not be worth writing. But I can joyfully say it is not the end, it was but a fraction of the picture that God was longing to paintfor me if I would give Him the paintbrush and allow Him to fix the mess I was making. After years of trying to correct the attempts of painting my own story on the canvas of my life, I found myself in my living room, a 21 year old woman, unhappy with almost every aspect of my existence. I was literally on my face crying out to the Lord that I could not continue living my life this way. It was in that moment that I finally loosened my death grip, allowed my white knuckles to open and given over paint brush to someone so much greater, the Master Artist.
Now don't hear me say that there aren't days that I still struggle with approval and acceptance. In nearly every new situation I have to dialogue with myself and the Lord that I am a new creation, a brand new creature. I do not need the approval of those around me as long as I know that God is in my corner. That He has control of the outcome of my painting. That I am truly a one-of-a-kind masterpiece. I am a beautiful work of art.
That is what I want to share with all of those who read this entry. There is a greater story, a more beautiful painting, if we are willing to relinquish the power of the paintbrush to one who is greater than Picaso. The Lord loves to make something beautiful out of what man looks at and says is a mess. He loves to take the hearts of those who are willing and make them more... more beautiful, more real.
Thank you, for such honesty.... The Lord was speaking directly to me through your words. I needed this.
ReplyDelete