The miraculous and the mundane

     Have you ever experienced a time in your life that you literally feel like you are dangling by a thread?  Like at any moment that thread might break?  Well, I'm there.  After the week we had last week with Levi's accident and being in the hospital I anticipated that this week might be difficult.  But I was thinking the hard part would be the transitioning of Levi and his injuries.  That part has been far better than I could have hoped, he is healing wonderfully.  He is a strong little man and God is healing his body quite quickly!  For that we are so grateful and thankful!  And because of that fact I feel horrible for worrying about anything else! 
      I feel so ungrateful for what I'm about to say, we experienced a miracle when God protected Levi, we experienced a miracle when his little body began to heal so quickly, but now we need another one.  And I feel like I am being so selfish and spoiled to even ask for another... it's not like I feel like I need to earn God's favor, not that because I am good He will show up... that's not it at all, but more along the lines of He was so faithful to care for Levi, in that HUGE trauma and circumstance, that I feel like asking for Him to show up in this situation is petty and pathetic.  So I was honest with God, I journaled and confessed my unbelief and lack of faith.  I confessed and asked for God to continue revealing His character to me so that I could trust Him more.  I feel so silly even typing those words.  I mean I JUST saw God show up in a beautiful way a little over a week ago.  You would think I would have the faith that could move mountains.  So why do I question His providence in this situation?  How could I doubt His character now?  
     My flesh is so weak, I am such a human.  I have such a short memory, and I am reminded of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.  God parted the Red Sea to save them from their enemies, how much more miraculous could that be?  And not one chapter later His people had forgotten.  They were complaining and fearful for how He would provide for their daily needs, as if He would save them from Egyptian armies and leave them in the wilderness to die.  So I keep reminding myself that God is still the same God that He was in the hospital, in the middle of my worst moments.  He is still the God who cares, the God who sustains, the God who provides, JEHOVAH-JIRAH, the God who sees.  So I guess the point of this whole post is this, God doesn't just show up in the obviously miraculous, He will also show up in the everyday and the mundane.  And we don't have to wonder if our problems are big enough for Him to care about because it says in Matthew that he cares for the flowers and the birds, and how much more does He love us!  He is faithful, ALWAYS, He is not like us.  He is totally other, He is consistent, we can trust in Him.  The two pictures I posted below are from this past week, the first one from the hospital with Levi, in the moment that I was so sure of God's faithfulness.  And the bottom is one from this week, after choir practice, God's reminder that He is with me in the storm and the calm.  Great is Thy faithfulness! 
God, give me faith, more faith!  I confess my tendency to humanize You.  I know that You are wholly other.  I confess my fear that You may not show up.  Forgive me for forgetting how You have already shown up for us in so many miraculous ways.  I will lead my heart and my mind in Your ways and follow You and trust You!  You are worthy, You alone.  Help me not forget! 

When the very worst could have happened

     This week has been the longest and most excruciating of my life. On Tuesday morning the biggest fear in a parents life became a reality in mine, our son Levi, sixteen months old, was struck by a car pulling out of a driveway.  My husband was the first one to get to him and that image has haunted him for days.  Within moments we were at the hospital and within moments after that he was being airflighted to a children's hospital.  To say it was horrifying to watch them load him into a helicopter would be putting it far too mildly, however there were a few things that God put in our path that made this easier.  First of all within 15 minutes there were 10 friends there with us praying and assisting in getting us what we needed.  We overtook the emergency room with a prayer circle and there was a peace that filled my heart in that terrible place of fear.  Second, the emergency room doctors and nurses as well as the helicopter nurses were beautiful people that held us, cried with us, and assured us that he looked great as far as they could tell. As they were strapping him to the stretcher to load him into the helicopter the nurse looked at me and with big tears in his eyes said "I'm praying too".  I hadn't realized it, but in that moment I had been praying out loud, not consciously but completely led by the Spirit.  When I got in the car to head toward Memphis after the helicopter took off I remember thinking to myself, "This is what all of those days of praying, studying God's Word, fellowshipping with other believers, filling myself up is for.  This is when you must be full to be able to be completely poured out and know that God is good and faithful."  I am forever grateful for that moment of blessed assurance.
     As the next hours progressed we learned that Levi is indeed a strong and miraculous little boy.  He made it out of the accident with a couple lacerations on his head, road rash on the lower part of his body, and a few fractures in his pelvis.  Though he is in pain, he is on the mend and will heal completely.  As we were in the hospital God placed not one, but two nurses that I went to Union with in our path. (Remember that we were in Memphis, a huge city and about 100 miles from our home town).  And that was just one of the dozens of confirmations that He gave us that He was present.  He had not left us, nor Levi, not for one second.  While I was sitting in his hospital room, watching him resting peacefully, praying and praising God for protecting my boy, God gave me a couple of songs that resonated in my mind over and over.  The first was the song It Is Well.  The lyrics I prayed and sang over my boy...
When peace like a river attendeth my way, 
when sorrow like sea billows roll, 
whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
 it is well, it is well with my soul.  
     And in that moment I could reflect on my heart and sing with all my might It Is Well.  Not because Levi is well, not because I am well, but because God is here and He makes all things good.  And I was responsible for reminding my heart of that, You have taught me to say "it is well with my soul".   A second song that rang so true in my heart and mind is the Chris Tomlin song Angel Armies,  I believe that God gave me this song to help me remember how Levi was protected that day, 
I know who goes before me, 
I know who stands behind, 
the God of angel armies is always by my side. 
     And I have no doubt that God was by our side, by Levi's side, throughout every single moment.  So, I write all this to say, we are home, Levi is healing quickly, we are so grateful for the prayers of each and every person that lifted sweet Levi before the throne of God, and we know beyond a doubt that He has a plan for this!  To God be the glory! 

Some pictures of sweet Levi for your viewing pleasure :)

What I'm learning now...

    You know those seasons where you feel as though you are being stretched beyond your limits?  Those seasons where you are stretched so thin you know you must be completely see through, transparent?  That's where I am now.  If I'm being honest, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be in an easier time.  I want to stop being stretched and pushed.  But that's not what God has for me now, for now this is where He chooses and wills for me to be.  You see, I am a fixer, I am a problem solver.  If there is an answer to be found I am going to search until I find it.  If I can resolve the pain, I will... if there is an alternative to hard things, I am going to seek it out... if there is a way, I will seek until I discover it.  That sounds all good and fine until there are no answers.  Until you come upon a problem that has no solution, there is no alternate path to take, there is no resolution.  That's where God has me now, and I think I am learning why.  When you are a problem solver, a fixer, you tend to try EVERYTHING else before you take it to God.  That is my issue, my pride, I think I can find the answers, I think I don't need Him to help me.  Pride is such a problem in our culture, we are told to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and work harder.  We can do it, without the help of anyone else.  We don't ask for help we just keep it all bottled up inside, like asking for help is admitting weakness.  So, this is where I am, no solutions, no resolutions, no answers, just an impossible situation.  And then I turned to The Lord, Jehovah-Jirah, the God who Provides, the God who Sees.  And this is what I am learning...
     God never tells us to figure it out on our own.  He tells us to come to Him in humility...
2 Chronicles 7:14...if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land. 
Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way
     So this is where I am, I am confessing my sin of pride and asking God to continue to teach me about humility and vulnerability.  And I am learning to pray, pray first, talk later (if at all).  Take it to the only One who can really satisfy my heart.  And ask, ask in faith.  Because God tells me...
Psalm 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield, he bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  
Matthew 6:33 Seek first, the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. 
     There it is... the truth in all of this, the answer to all things.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. That is my goal.  I am learning to delight myself in God first, not myself, not my dreams.  Those are important to God too!  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  BUT FIRST, I seek His Kingdom and His righteousness and learn to delight in Him!  
Thank you God for this place.  This hard place, this place of uncertainty, this place of stretching.  I know that You are here, I know that you are near to me.  I ask for you to continue to teach me humility, continue to teach me to delight only in You!  To take my dreams, fears, and desires to You and trust in You to deliver.  You are worthy of all my trust, all my hope, all my faith, You alone.  I am Yours. 

When I think I'm going under 

part the waters Lord

When I feel the waves surround me,

calm the sea

When I cry for help Oh hear me Lord

and hold out Your hand

Touch my life

still the raging storm in me

Songs in my heart

     The past few weeks have been such an odd combination of excitement and fear, contentedness and longing, peace and anxiety. I feel one thing one minute and then the following I feel something totally different. Now as a woman I am no stranger to emotions, raging hormones and a tender heart make sure of that. But these feelings have been more deeper than just "being a woman". These feelings have been drawing me, almost magnetically or like gravity, to the Lover of My Soul. I have needed to be close to Him every moment of my day in order to assure that my roller coaster of emotions didn't hijack my family and take them along for the ride. I haven't felt like reading, that took too much emotional and mental energy, I haven't felt like talking, that would mean that I had to figure out how I was feeling in that very moment and that was simply too difficult a task. So, like an old pair of pj's on a cool night, I turned to worship. Worship, praise music, lyrics that speak directly to my soul and reverberate my emotions back to God, has always been a language I fully engaged in. I love it. So here are a few songs and lyrics that God has placed in my heart these weeks to cling to like a life raft in my river of emotions... I hope that they speak to your soul as they speak to mine.



Jason Gray- Begin Again

Arise, my love, the winter's past, the spring has come!

He makes all things beautiful in time

After the fire, what remains is the love that will not change

And makes all things beautiful in time

It's never too late for a new start

No matter how your life's been torn apart

When you're at the end, you can begin again

There's never been a night so long…

There's never been a life too far gone

When you come to the end, you can begin again


Sovereign Grace- All I have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night, yet though I knew the way.

The sin that promised joy and life had led me to the grave.

I had no hope that You would own a rebel to You will

And if you had no loved me first I would refuse You still


Now Lord I would be Yours alone, and live so all might see

The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.

O Father, use my ransomed life in any way You choose

and let my song forever be, "My only hope is You". 

Hallelujah, all I have is Christ! 

Hallelujah, Jesus is my life!





God, let my soul forever be desiring You. Draw me Lord to You!