2013 coming to a close... thoughts for 2014

     I am super ready for 2013 to be OVER... don't get me wrong a whole lot of awesome things have happened in 2013, Levi was born in March, my relationships with my church family have deepened and matured, Lynnlee has potty trained (can I get a hallelujah!) and we have one of the sweetest Christmases I have ever had.  Those are all beautiful things, wonderful things, blessings... but to say this year has been easy would be weaving a way more pretty picture than what is reality.  I am learning, I am growing, and those things never come easily for me.  I tend to learn things the hard way and God is a relentless pursuer (Thank You Lord for that!) and does not let me off the hook until the lesson is learned.  So in saying that I came across this quote this morning... "We must beware of believing that it is okay for us to condemn as long as we are condemning the right things.  It is not so simple as all that.  I can trust Jesus to go into the temple and drive out those who were profiting from religion, beating them with a rope.  I cannot trust myself to do so."- Dallas Willard     Now I would not say that I am a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do strive to love others in a non-judgmental kind of way.  So why does this quote mess with my heart so much?  I am wrestling, I really want to get this, I want to love others the way that Jesus asks of me, the way He loves those around Him.  Unconditionally, without judgment wooing them to Him.  I desire to be that person, you know the type, the kind of person who just being in their presence makes you feel more at peace with yourself.  No measuring up, trying to figure out if you are okay or not.  No wondering what they are thinking of you, your kids, your body, your house, your bank account, your husband... Just feeling the love of the Lord flowing through them.  I am praying that in 2014 my heart will reflect the love of Jesus more clearly, more passionately, more fully.  I will leave the judgment to the Lord, the knower and seer of all things.  My job is simply to love.  That is a 2014 resolution I can stand behind.  

Small Forest Fires

   It has been a while since I have blogged, this is a testament to the craziness that is my life with an (almost) three year old and a seven month old.  Trust me, it is a little bit like crazy town most days!  However, through this crazy season, God has been teaching me.  He has been showing me some pretty ugly places in my heart.  It's amazing how having children can do that for you, they can reveal places that no one else could pull out of you.  They can be so unimaginably joy giving and so completely frustrating all in the first five minutes of the morning.  My LJ is no exception to that rule, in fact I think that rule was written specifically for our relationship. :)  I feel an explosion of love when she looks at me and says "mommy will you snuggle me?" and no greater frustration than when she blatantly disobeys.  And in those moments I have learned two things; one, that God is the most patient Daddy to love me in my disobedience, and two, that I have a long way to go. 
    I am a talker, I have always been a talker, I am learning now that this is not a bad quality to possess however my speech is the most powerful weapon I own, especially in my home.  I have seen the destruction that one moment of irritation and a complete lack of self control can wreak on my home and more importantly the ones I love dearly that live in it.  I have also seen the power that loving speech has on my sweet, words of affirmation thriving, little munchkins. I have wield the power to build up or destroy in each moment of communication with those I interact with.  And those I spend the most time with are my children.  As a stay-at-home-mom I alone speak to my children the majority of their days.  I am the voice they hear each morning as they wake, and the last sound they hear before they close their eyes to sleep.  I have a HUGE responsibility.  They are watching me, they are watching how I do life.  Especially my little lady, I am Jesus to these kids.  But more than that, I am Jesus to each person I encounter.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ through me.  Therefore, I am Courtney, but my life belongs to Jesus.  I am His representative.  And my words need to reflect that.  I am learning... I am far from having this "under control" but I am learning.  I can either build up those around me by loving them with my words.  (side note: this does not mean never speaking truth in love... but it means JUST that, speaking it IN LOVE, speaking truth is not an excuse to be rude, condescending, or hurtful)  Or I can start small forest fires in every conversation I choose to partake in.  
     Lord teach me to be an encouraging speaker, one that is willing to speak in love or be silent.  Teach me to love with patience and mercy.  Teach me to be Jesus to those around me.  

Either way

     God has been working in my heart with some serious questions lately… questions like “what if I pray and the money doesn’t come?” “What if I pray and that person isn’t healed, what if instead they die?” “What if the worst conceivable thing in mind and heart does in fact come to pass, is God still God?”  I have a lot of friends, and friends of friends, going through heartache.  I am no stranger to this, nor do I believe that I am somehow exempt from experiencing it again.  And I have been praying, fervently praying, for some serious miracles to happen.  But then I hear God in my heart, “What if I choose not to?” Let me tell you, that messes with me.  That messes with my picture of what I think God should do.  But let’s go there for a moment.  
     What if He doesn’t do the things that we think He should, the things we have been on our faces praying for? What if that child never comes to know the Lord? What if that addiction is never healed?  What if we do lose our jobs?  What if, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we find ourselves being thrown into a fiery furnace?  I have the faith that I know my God can save me, I know he can heal, I know he can provide, but what if He simply chooses not to?  When God posed that question in my heart I began to pray, I pray for a willing heart to respond as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego responded to the furnace in Daniel 3:17-18 “Our God, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” 
     But if not, in other words either way, I will serve my God.  Either way I will follow Him, I will follow Yahweh.  Even if it means through the fire and pits, even if I stand alone, even if I cry out in agony and fear, I will serve my God.

 Lord God, solidify this deep in my heart so that when the storms of this world come, when the situation looks bleak, I will trust in You alone.  Make this my hearts cry in the moments of pain and affliction, in moments of impossibility; give me this faith to follow You! Either way Lord, either way! 

Healing

Healing... that word brings up so many thoughts and emotions.  Sometimes healing is a passive process, one that involves waiting and allowing time to do its thing.  Sometimes, more often in my life anyway, healing is an active process, one that involves a little pain, a lot of work, and a whole lot of freedom.  Recently I was approached by a woman in need of some healing, but in order for that healing to occur she needed me to make a decision, one that made me a little uncomfortable (okay a lot uncomfortable).  I wasn't sure I felt as though I could give her that opportunity. However after a lot of prayer and seeking wise council I decided I would allow her the platform.  And oh how sweet that healing was for her and for me.  So why was I so uncomfortable with it in the first place?  Well you see sometimes time heals things before we take them to God, but they heal back wrong.  Like a broken bone that isn't set correctly and begins to heal, in order for the bone to heal and be the most functional it may have to be re-broken and reset.  Now I have never broken a bone but I have heard that this process is excruciating. The bone has hardened due to the damage, it tries on its own to assure that the bone won't get broken again.  I believe that this process is also true of the heart.  Once it is broken it must be taken to the Heavenly Physician to mend properly.  However, sometimes I desire to just allow time to do it's thing, sweep it under the rug and not deal with it.  It will heal on it's own right? Well then I will just deal with the damage until then.  Oh how wrong I have been, on down the road I realize that my heart may have begun to heal improperly, it has damaged my view of people and situations and skewed my God vision on life.  That is when healing takes a hard turn, I have to take my heart to the Father and allow Him to open up the wound that is healing incorrectly and reset it.  This process is extremely painful at times.  But here is the good news,  once it's reset, once the break is given the proper positioning, healing comes with great joy and freedom.  Full range of motion is returned and my damaged heart is given the chance to heal with God doing the mending.  I have experienced first hand the freeing power of the cross and forgiveness in my life and there is nothing sweeter in this world than a heart that is healing by the blood of Christ.  However uncomfortable, however terrifying, however difficult, healing is worth it! 

The battle of surrender

Surrender, not exactly a word that is popular in our culture today. It's right up there with submission and obedience, words that bring more frustration than excitement.  However, during my time with God today I was challenged in my thinking of this word, surrender.  I truly believe it is not a word to be dreaded, but quite possibly the key to joy and peace in this world.  Allow me to explain... surrender, according to Webster's Dictionary is to give oneself over to another power.  That still doesn't sound too appealing, unless the other power that you are giving yourself to is the Lord.  God challenged me today as I was reading on the subject of surrender that I don't really understand the meaning of surrender according to His definition.  Surrender is not defeat, in fact it is the only way to have victory.  Surrender isn't being weak, it is recognizing that God is infinitely stronger.  It is not passive laziness or resignation, it's not for cowards or doormats, it doesn't mean we are less ourselves.  When I truly surrender, God can then make me more like the "myself" I was intended to be when He created me.  C.S. Lewis said "It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a personality of my own."  I cannot tell you how this resonates in my soul.  I have long said that as I am growing in my relationship with Christ that I am learning who I am.  I am learning how to be the individual me.  If I am not surrendering to Christ I will surrender to someone or something else, be it a person (husband, mother, friends, or someone else's opinion of who I should be), or an object like money, reputation, or the illusion of prestige or power.  I will surrender to something, God is wooing me to allow it to be Him!  When I surrender to His will and His desires I am then given something far better in return, something only He can truly give, something that is desired in the hearts of all humans, freedom!  Freedom, true freedom, is only found in surrender to God.  Sounds like an oxymoron but God's Word says it's true! The Bible talks about freedom from sin when we surrender to God, it talks about peace that passes understanding when we give our will over to God's will. Victory comes through surrender! 
The only issue is that surrender is not easy.  My stubbornness, pride, and arrogance all get in the way of true surrender.  I think that I can do it on my own, all by myself.  Like a foolish child I fight with all of my energy and strength to accomplish what I simply cannot do.  Only when I see myself clearly and see God in all His strength and perfection can I see the need for surrender.  Trusting God is difficult if I do not know His character, surrender requires that I trust Him completely.  I must trust that His will truly is best for my life,  that He loves me with an unending perfect love,  that He will keep all of His promises to me, when I trust those things about God surrender becomes not a sacrifice but a privilege.  Lord I pray that you continue to teach me through Your Word, who You are.  Your character.  Continue to reveal Yourself to me that I will trust you more and more.  I long to fully surrender, I long for true victory.  

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him 
In His presence daily live
I surrender All
I surrender All
All to Thee my blessed Savior 
I surrender All