What doesn't kill you makes you look more like Christ

     This past year has truly been such a transitional period for me. It went from just Travis and I with no responsibility to anything or anyone but each other, to daddy and mommy-hood. We wanted more than anything to be parents and Lynnlee Jade could not be more of a blessing, but with this change came more responsibility... ALOT more! We felt an overwhelming sense of accountability to the Lord for the gift He had given us. He was trusting us with her life, with her soul. Wow! Even now when I look at her and see her growing up way too fast I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for this precious opportunity. Being her mommy is one of the most challenging, most growing experiences of my life. Watching Travis be her daddy is the most precious sight to see, I don't think I have ever loved that man more than I do today.  However, I see so many of my flaws clearly as I fumble through parenthood feeling like I am wearing a blind fold through an obstacle course. But somehow through all of this the Lord is growing my heart, I am learning how to love and have grace, how to be patient, how to be selfless. I know it is forever changing me, changing my heart.
     With this wonderful gift and responsibility has come some heartache as well. I want more than anything to do things the right way. This has always been an issue for me, I wanted to have the right answers, I wanted to be on the right path at all times. As I am getting older I see that sometimes the right answers cannot just be taught to you or read from a book, sometimes you have to try the wrong way to learn how to do it right the next time. So there it is, the ugly truth, the part of me that I try to hide every time I encounter a new situation or take on a new responsibility... I am so totally and completely imperfect. I know that God sometimes looks at me and has to be thinking “Courtney, if you would just listen you wouldn't have to learn EVERYTHING the hard way.” But He is always there, after I have fallen on my face, with open arms as if to say it's okay you will do better next time. My basketball coach in high school used to say “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” I have thought about that phrase so much in the past months. I believe that it is not only correct physically, but so imperative to my spiritual journey. Pain is weakness leaving the body, but pain is also a way of correcting and steering me to the path that I was meant to follow. What doesn't kill me will teach me how to be more like Christ, how to be more holy. There will be bruises and heartaches along the journey but it is the ultimate goal, the goal of being one with Christ, that allows us to grow from these hardships. The becoming is just as important as the finished product. The becoming is all the things that happen in between, the becoming is life.