I am a woman whose heart yearns for realness. Realness for myself, but also realness for women around me, for I know with realness comes freedom! I long for greater confidence in Christ and hope to inspire those I come into contact with to feel the same. This is a blog about my journey to transform into something more beautiful, something more real, like a butterfly. These are ponderings from a willing heart.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Being Still

My heart is heavy.  My body is weary.  My mind is exhausted.  I am, simply put, empty.  I am sitting in my living room on my couch, my house is dark because my family is sleeping.  However, no matter what I do I just lie there staring at the ceiling with an ache in my heart.  A loneliness that no one can fill.  As I was lying there silently crying I was praying.  To be honest I don't even know why my heart is so heavy, why I feel so lonely tonight.  Do you ever feel like that sometimes? Like you could be in a room full of people and no one gets you?  That's how I am feeling tonight.  That's what is keeping me awake when my body longs to be sleeping.  So on my couch I began praying and crying out to God... "what is wrong with me here? Why am I feeling this way?"  God ever so sweetly reminded me of His Word in Matthew 6:33 "Are you seeking ME first?"  Therein lies my answer.  I have been so busy trying to keep all my plates spinning and not let them come crashing down around me that I forgot the most basic of principles of walking with the Lord... I must seek HIM first, seek HIS righteousness, then He will direct my path.  There is something so freeing about trusting in God.  Trusting Him with ALL the details of my hearts desires, of my dreams, of my fears.  I stopped myself (mid sob) and spoke out loud... "Okay God, I really really can't do this."  God also reminded me that He knows my limits, He knows my needs better than I know them, and even more than that... He wants to fulfill my needs! I can stop trying to swim upstream fighting the current.  I can grab the life preserver and rest my weary body, soul, and mind.  I think about the feeling I used to get as a kid, you know the feeling when you have been in the pool swimming your heart out for what feels like forever, then suddenly you find a pool float and grab on.  That first moment when you realize you can stop kicking your feet and treading water, you can rest.  This what I am feeling tonight, rest.  This song just came to mind and I think it speaks directly to the intimacy of resting in the Lord...
I wanna sit at Your feet
Drink from the cup in Your hands
Lay back against You and breathe
And feel Your heartbeat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand
I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming. 
Thank You Father for rest and peace in a world of chaos and loneliness.  Thank You for knowing me so intimately that You long to fulfill my needs even before I can acknowledge them.  Tonight I choose to seek You first, I receive Your rest, I will be still. 

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