After the celebration

It seems like it has been a while since I have written last.  So much has happened since then… I did in fact graduate from Grad School.  Travis and I celebrated our 5^th anniversary.  And somewhere in the midst of the celebrating my heart began to grow cold, distant, fearful.   I made a promise to my sister whenever I was debating starting this blog, the promise was that I would always be honest about what I was writing.  I would not censor myself for the sake of an audience.  I would not “pretend” things were okay when they weren’t.  Because of that promise I have often taken breaks from blogging while I was in the midst of some trials or hard times.  This time, however, I feel God prompting me to share my heart.  This is the first time in my entire life that the path for my future was not clearly laid out before me.  For the first time the “lull” in my schedule is not temporary, but rather indefinite.  I love that, really I do, my heart sighs of relief every time Sunday rolls around and I realize, wait, I have nothing pressing to do to be ready for this week!  However, I have also realized that my heart is not disciplined enough for this much free time.  My emotions begin to run amok and my mind becomes a playground for my emotions to run around like a small child.  So this is me being honest, this is my true state of being.  My natural inclination is to run to the next thing I can volunteer with in order to fill my free time.  And maybe, in the end, that is what God will ask me to do.  But for now I feel like I need to resist the urge to bury my heart in busyness and figure out where in my heart lies the inability to function in free time.  I am praying that as I continue this journey of motherhood and wifedom that I will learn how to be consistent in the stillness.  That I would not need to be so busy running from one thing to the next to function fully.  God please forgive me, my flesh is still so weak.  Forgive my emotional wanderings; forgive my lack of motivation and conviction to run to You.  Let Your grace Lord like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee, Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love, here’s my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.