These past few weeks the Lord has really been dealing with my heart. I am learning some really hard lessons, some of which I accept willingly and others well, let’s just say I am somewhat resistant. (Okay, really resistant) God is teaching me about prayer, faith, trust, control (and the release of it), and His character. I came to His feet with a simple question that turns out, has a complex answer. Maybe the answer is actually very simple, maybe I complicate it out of pride. My question was this… “God how do I pray in faith knowing that you can answer my prayers, but not have expectations of HOW you will answer them?” You see Travis and I have trusted God with our finances, we believe that God’s desire for our house was for me to be home with Lynnlee. The numbers didn’t make sense; it felt like I was being irresponsible, it seemed like an illogical decision. However, we prayed and felt that this was definitely His will. Here we are a year later, I still feel as though I am to be in the home with my child. I love being a stay-at-home-mommy. I love knowing that Lynnlee is being taught and developed exactly as I believe God would have me to do. But, there is the issue of finances. We have made it the first year on our savings and by God’s mercy and providence. Now we are beginning another year, the finances really don’t look like they will work. Once again, it doesn’t make any sense for me to stay home. So I began to pray at the beginning of the month for this month’s bills. I prayed that God would provide what we needed; I prayed that He would show me what we were supposed to do. This month has come and is on its way out and, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t LOOK like God has answered. So what then? What happens when God doesn’t answer in OUR terms… what happens when we pray and God doesn’t…
Heal our bodies
Give us raises
Bring our child home
Sell our house
Give us a desperately desired spouse
Deliver someone from addiction
What do we do then? This is where I found myself this week. This is where I brought the Lord my question of “What NOW?” I have the privilege of having some wonderful mentors and women of faith in my life to speak truth in love. One of them gently pointed out the pride in my heart, who am I to tell God how He ought to answer my prayers and when? Another said to me “Courtney, you need to stop seeking God’s blessings and start seeking God… ‘Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all these things will be added to you.’ If you don’t have the faith right now, ask God for it, ALL good things come from the Lord.” And yet another woman of faith said to me, in a group setting but it might as well been directly to me, “God’s will for you, for your life, is GOOD!” And then God, in all of His sweetness, got ahold of my heart during my prayer and Bible time yesterday in the text of Hebrews 11… the faith chapter, the text that tells us of those men and women of God who trusted the Lord in faith to provide for all their needs, fulfill His promises. Lord, grant me a faith like these. Faith that can “conquer kingdoms, perform acts of righteousness, obtain promises, shut the mouths of lions, quench the power of fire, escape the edge of a sword, in weakness be made strong, become mighty in war, resurrect from the dead, endure torture, mocking, stoning, and even death, for the furtherance of YOUR Kingdom”-Hebrews 11:33-40. This is not something I can muster up on my own, but I am praying, praying that the Lord will increase my faith, that I will know that HIS WILL IS GOOD FOR MY LIFE (and for yours!) So thank you women of faith, thank you for speaking truth into my life and allowing the Lord to use you as He desires!
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