I am a woman whose heart yearns for realness. Realness for myself, but also realness for women around me, for I know with realness comes freedom! I long for greater confidence in Christ and hope to inspire those I come into contact with to feel the same. This is a blog about my journey to transform into something more beautiful, something more real, like a butterfly. These are ponderings from a willing heart.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What I'm learning now...

    You know those seasons where you feel as though you are being stretched beyond your limits?  Those seasons where you are stretched so thin you know you must be completely see through, transparent?  That's where I am now.  If I'm being honest, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be in an easier time.  I want to stop being stretched and pushed.  But that's not what God has for me now, for now this is where He chooses and wills for me to be.  You see, I am a fixer, I am a problem solver.  If there is an answer to be found I am going to search until I find it.  If I can resolve the pain, I will... if there is an alternative to hard things, I am going to seek it out... if there is a way, I will seek until I discover it.  That sounds all good and fine until there are no answers.  Until you come upon a problem that has no solution, there is no alternate path to take, there is no resolution.  That's where God has me now, and I think I am learning why.  When you are a problem solver, a fixer, you tend to try EVERYTHING else before you take it to God.  That is my issue, my pride, I think I can find the answers, I think I don't need Him to help me.  Pride is such a problem in our culture, we are told to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and work harder.  We can do it, without the help of anyone else.  We don't ask for help we just keep it all bottled up inside, like asking for help is admitting weakness.  So, this is where I am, no solutions, no resolutions, no answers, just an impossible situation.  And then I turned to The Lord, Jehovah-Jirah, the God who Provides, the God who Sees.  And this is what I am learning...
     God never tells us to figure it out on our own.  He tells us to come to Him in humility...
2 Chronicles 7:14...if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land. 
Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way
     So this is where I am, I am confessing my sin of pride and asking God to continue to teach me about humility and vulnerability.  And I am learning to pray, pray first, talk later (if at all).  Take it to the only One who can really satisfy my heart.  And ask, ask in faith.  Because God tells me...
Psalm 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield, he bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  
Matthew 6:33 Seek first, the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. 
     There it is... the truth in all of this, the answer to all things.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. That is my goal.  I am learning to delight myself in God first, not myself, not my dreams.  Those are important to God too!  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  BUT FIRST, I seek His Kingdom and His righteousness and learn to delight in Him!  
Thank you God for this place.  This hard place, this place of uncertainty, this place of stretching.  I know that You are here, I know that you are near to me.  I ask for you to continue to teach me humility, continue to teach me to delight only in You!  To take my dreams, fears, and desires to You and trust in You to deliver.  You are worthy of all my trust, all my hope, all my faith, You alone.  I am Yours. 
When I think I'm going under 
part the waters Lord
When I feel the waves surround me,
calm the sea
When I cry for help Oh hear me Lord
and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
still the raging storm in me


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