I NEED JESUS

    Okay this is going to be real life post... one of those  "not-so-pretty-make-you-a-little-uncomfortable" kind of posts.  So there's your warning, stop reading now if you would like.  
    These past few months have been some of the hardest in my adult life with children.  Lynnlee is three and is a constant handful.  Levi will be one in March and is very curious about the way things work (in other words he takes everything apart).  So as you can imagine my day is full of cleaning up messes and feeding small humans.  Under normal circumstances that would not be a huge ordeal, however add to this that Travis is starting his own reconstruction/remodel business and things have been a bit strained.  I have struggled to juggle my role as mommy with my role as supportive wife and cheerleader with my role as "keep the house running" lady.  Travis has had to work lots of late nights so my days have been void of any "me" moments.  I reached my breaking point yesterday and had a complete come apart, melt down, epic fall to pieces and spew words of anger, bitterness, and frustration moment. (Or few hours, okay let me be for real with you.)  
     Through this episode i have come to some conclusions, first of all the whole motherhood thing is super hard even on good days so we must have grace for one another and ourselves.  Second of all it is important as a woman to have a good ole fashion cry sometimes.  Third of all, every single person on this planet needs to be able to use the bathroom ALONE at least one time a day.  And finally, attempting to do any of these things without Jesus is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent impossible.  
     I love my children.  I love being a Mommy and staying home with them on a daily basis.  I feel like I am a fairly reasonable person.  That being said I have felt like a complete basket case and grumpy monster for the past few weeks.  I could blame it on so many things and a culmination of many things but the reality is that I am running on empty.  I am unable to give my children or my husband anything good in me because there is nothing good in me left. 
     Let me also reveal another misconception I have believed until this season.... having a "quiet time" in the morning before my children need me is wonderful.  Spending some much needed moments with God is necessary for me to start my day off well, BUT if that is the most time I spend consulting with God during the day I am in a for a world of hurt . It is the moment to moment that I need Him most.  It is the instant that I recognize that my child has just demolished packing Styrofoam into tiny balls in the play room and says that it is snowing that I need Jesus not just in memory of what I heard from Him that morning but in what I need that minute to not completely lose my composure on my three-year-old.  (By the way, that stuff is straight from Satan and is impossible to clean up... seriously)  I need Jesus, literally EVERY MOMENT to be a good Mom, wife, friend, person.  I mean maybe some of you are just good people, just generally patient, kind, loving, and peace filled.  I envy you, I wish I was more like that naturally, but the honest to goodness truth is that I am none of those things left on my own.  Just ask my husband or my children.  So there it is, the real truth about my heart.  If you peeked behind closed doors or a hidden camera that is what you would find.  I need Jesus.  I need Him to be good for anything.  I need Him to love people well.  I need Him I need Him I need Him.