Beauty....

Do you think I'm beautiful?  As a woman, I must have asked this question a million times in my 25 years of life.  Sometimes out loud, when I'm feeling really vulnerable and in need of validation, sometimes silently in my heart.  Either way the sentiment was the same, someone tell me I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, that I'm seen.  In 2007 I was in a frenzy with this question crippling my heart.  I picked up a Bible study that was addressing this issue, and for the first time in my life I took this question to God.  My prayer was this "God do you really think I'm beautiful? With all my baggage and ugliness? When you look at me do you see someone really desirable? Can you really be in love with me? Am I worth it?"  That prayer was dated December 30, 2007.  Maybe you can relate... maybe you have prayed a similar prayer, or wanted to but didn't feel like it was appropriate.  Maybe, on the other hand, you have always been told you were beautiful, but nothing more and beauty doesn't seem appealing to you.  Either way God's reply to my prayer has been resounding since that night in 2007, "That desire to feel beautiful I placed in your heart has served it's purpose. I am wildly in love with you. I am the answer to your longing, the 'more' your heart is waiting for is Me."

I had spent most of my life looking for someone who made me feel beautiful, smart, funny, and worthy of love.  I may find it for moments of time, only to be disappointed when no one could consistently come through for me.  The idea that God could think I'm beautiful seemed too good to be true.  The thought, frankly, made me uncomfortable.  It seemed arrogant or presumptuous, either way it seemed wrong.  But through the past five years God has revealed more and more scripture that speaks of His love for me, His thoughts toward me.  Psalm 45:11- The king is enthralled with your beauty.  Zephaniah 3:17- The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love, he will exult over  you with loud singing.  Luke 8: 47-  Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet.  

Maybe this whole idea sounds too good to be true to you as well.  Maybe it makes you a little uncomfortable.  Maybe you used to feel beautiful, but age and society has changed your perspective on yourself.  Maybe it's circumstances and sin in your life that makes you feel as though you could never be considered beautiful by God.  I would challenge you to take your hearts desire to the Lord and let Him speak over you, let Him reveal the truth about who you are.  Let Him love you with His perfect and unconditional love and grace.  It's been a wonderful five year journey of God loving me to Him.  I look forward to the rest of this journey to come.  

Big news!!!!!!

We are growing!!!!! (and we couldn't be more excited... or nauseous!) :) 

The discipline of wise speech

     Anyone who knows me (or spends more than 5 seconds around me) knows that I like to talk.  I was born with the gift of gab.  My mom and grandmother often tell stories of me at a very early age being able to hold full adult conversations.  I love to sit for hours on end with a good cup of coffee and a girl friend of a like mind and talk the day away.  Lynnlee is picking up on this little characteristic as well.  That little munchkin can hold her own in a conversation (now granted you can't understand 90% of it).  
     I say all of that to say that when God is not at the center of my heart and I am not focusing on His glorification I can get WAY off track with my speech.  The past few weeks in church my pastor has been speaking on wisdom and the importance that speech plays in attaining, maintaining, and teaching wisdom.  Needless to say I have been dealing with some serious convictions.  But as I was praying and reading scriptures this week God has been so gracious and loving to me on this topic.  First, He reminded me that He created me just the way I am, loud voice and large vocabulary included.  Second, He reminded me of the passion He placed inside of me for the hearts of other women and encouraging their walk with Jesus.  And third, He reminded me that He doesn't convict me and then leave me in my conviction, hoping that I figure it out.  He gives me grace and wisdom if I seek Him.  
     So this week has been sort of like the first week back in the gym after a long hiatus.  It's been a little awkward, frustrating, and exhausting.  But also encouraging... God has been so good to place conversation and opportunity in my path this week that has been uplifting.  He has prompted me to be silent or to speak with grace and mercy.  He has given Travis and I opportunity to have those intimate conversations so that I can use my words to encourage and lift him up. (If you haven't tried this with your husbands, I'm telling you from experience, a little encouragement and praise goes a LONG LONG way!)  Proverbs 10:11 speaks of this kind of speech like this: "The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life..." Lord may my speech be like a fountain of life... refreshing those I come in contact with and encouraging and uplifting others with my words.  

Discipline and Self Control

Okay for real don't stop reading at the title... these are not popular topics to think/talk/write about.  But this is what God is teaching me right now, I know fun right? The problem with discipline and self control is that it is so darn hard!  I mean how easy is it to keep your mouth shut when you have nothing good to say, wake up when the alarm goes off to have time with the Lord when you would rather see the inside of your eye lids, maintain your patience with your (my) 18 month old when she (for the third time) loses your keys.  These are all simple things that point to one truth about me, I have no self control and discipline.  But I am learning.  I have learned that I cannot muster up the ability to have self control all on my own.  The good news is that God doesn't just leave us there doomed to failure in our self control and discipline.  Because whatever God commands, He also gives us the grace to obey.  That is great news for me! I mean how many times have I tried to do this on my own only to end up discouraged and feeling like a failure.  The answer is that I need to turn to God for the guidance and the grace required to obey this command.  And it's not for me to say that I am "holy" or something along those lines.  I am modeling for my 18 month old munchkin, how to be a woman of God.  How can I look at her in her fits of rage and say "Lynnlee Jade, you need to use your self control and not hit Mommy because you are angry." Unless I can also listen to the Holy Spirit tell me "Courtney, you need to close your mouth about that person no matter how badly you have been hurt" or "Courtney, you need to get your butt out of bed and have some time with the Lord before your little personal tornado wakes up."  God, please grant me to grace to obey Your command to self control and discipline.  Free me from my selfishness and pride and allow me to see and hear your voice leading me in the way of righteousness.  

Heritage-blessing or burden

I am always up for a good read.  I love to read, and I will pretty much read any genre, however my favorite by far is christian living.  I recently began reading through Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Maheney with a group of women from my church.  This weeks chapter was on children... being a "new" mother (I'm not really sure when I don't qualify as "new" anymore, I still feel like a new mother so I guess I will continue to call myself one until I feel differently, that may never happen... anyway...) I am always looking for Godly advice on child rearing and loving my child.  This chapter is hands down the best compilation of advice and biblical council on this topic I feel I have come across.  Carolyn makes the point first and foremost that children are a heritage, a blessing from the Lord.  Not a financial burden, not a responsibility, not a burden to carry around for the rest of your life like a baggage set.  Children are a gift from God.  I know that sounds so simple, so elementary.  But whenever I read this I was sitting in the middle of my living room surrounded by books, blocks, stuffed animals, dirty diapers, and a sticky child that was insisting on putting her fingers all over my new Kindle.  I was feeling a little less blessed and a little more burdened.  God convicted me right on the spot and I looked at my sweet little Lynnlee, my filthy, sassy, mouthy, joy-filled, energy exuding baby girl and her sticky hands and face and saw it.  I saw the blessing, I saw the joy of motherhood in her eyes.  The chapter went on to say that we can get so lost in the serving part of motherhood that we lose the opportunity to enjoy them, to really delight in our children.  The Bible commands us as mother's to love our children.  The word for love that is chosen to describe this emotion is phileo, this kind of love means to delight in, to feel joy.  This is the blessing of motherhood, that we have the opportunity to love them with a phileo kind of love, to delight in them.  This doesn't mean that we give in to their every whim and desire, that is not loving them that is indulging them.  That doesn't mean we don't discipline them, that is not loving them that is neglecting them.  It means we do all the things we do for our children because we delight in them.  In every single thing I do for Lynnlee I should ask myself the question "How will this affect her soul?"  That is our ultimate responsibility, to love them so well that they are drawn to the Lord.  If I truly do this each and every day, take this responsibility to love her with a phileo kind of love, to reprove and correct her in a way that leads her to Jesus, motherhood takes on a whole new meaning.  "There is nothing easy about good mothering. It can be back breaking, heart wrenching, and anxiety producing. And that's just the morning."  But with that great responsibility comes an even greater grace from God! Thank you Lord for the blessing of this child! 

Heavy

Have you ever had one of those days that you knew from the moment you woke up that it wasn’t going to be an easy one?  Like your dreams were prepping you for a long haul?  This is one of those days… I can’t put my finger on the root of the problem either… my heart just feels… heavy?  I guess that’s the word I will use.  My heart feels heavy.  The weather is beautiful, warm, (read hot and humid really I mean we are talking about Tennessee summers) sunny, and for some reason that makes it worse, like the weather is mocking me and my heavy heart.  Days like today, when I feel gloomy and down, I just wish it would be rainy and agree with my countenance.  I’m not really even sure why I’m writing today, I don’t really have an encouraging word or a lesson that I feel like God is trying to teach me.  I just felt like typing away and allowing my mind and heart to flow freely.  I know that God is present with me, I know He knows my heart better than I do, He knows the root of my heaviness.  This is just one of those moments where it’s like my soul recognizes that it is living in a world that it doesn’t really belong in.  I can feel it yearning for more, more intimacy with God, more healing in my broken places.  I keep repeating the verse in Zephaniah that says that God will quiet me with His love and rejoice over me with singing.  I believe that song today is one that sounds more like a lullaby, a little mournful, full of longing.  I know I won’t stay in this place long, I know that the fullness and joy of the Lord will pull me out of this temporary sadness and frustration.  I know the Lord will take my heavy heart and give me rest.  I know that it is well with my soul even now.  This is where I am in this moment on this day. 

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul.  

Freedom? Really?

Captivity is a complex and interesting thing. I have written about my struggle with insecurity and with my desire for approval from pretty much anyone with breath in their lungs.  I have experienced some freedom from this, but as I find myself in a new transitional season I see those same familiar flickers of insecurity rising up once again.  My heart is so tired of going around and around the same issues, the same battles, yet here I am again, circling my cage and chains that once held me captive thinking "Maybe that wasn't so bad, I mean I at least knew what to expect".  And there it is... the ugly truth, I have known bondage and captivity for so long it is more comfortable to me than freedom!  Don't worry I do know how screwed up that is! I picked up the Breaking Free Bible study by Beth Moore (for the 3rd time) and began again.  God is so faithful and tender toward his children.  He chastises us,  he reproves, he corrects, but then... oh He is sweeter than honey and loves me so fiercely! Isaiah 61:1-4 was where He lead me this morning once again...  it says that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to comfort those who mourn, to trade us beauty for our ashes.  That is scandalously beautiful to me! That is love like the world has never known! As I envision  myself circling the cage of my insecurities and the chains of man's approval I hear Jesus calling out "That is NOT where you belong, that is not your safe place, come to me when you are weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me about freedom, for I am gentle and humble in me you will find rest.  My yoke is easy and burden is light." And there is the truth in the midst of the lies Satan would have me believe.  I am uneasy wandering around free from my bondage because I need to bind myself to Jesus!  He is calling me to leave behind the chains and cages of worldly slavery and bind my wandering heart to HIM!  His yoke is easy... those words are like an earthquake to my soul shaking my core to awakening.  This is freedom... Lord thank you for freedom from bondage and a safe place to run.  Take me far from this place and bind my heart to Christ and his sacrifice.  Help me to recognize the beauty of this freedom, the captivating and devastating freedom found only in Him.