Hope

    Sometimes life is just hard, ya know?  I mean, really, sometimes there really isn't a solution to the problem, sometimes there is no reconciliation, sometimes the pain doesn't end, sometimes there are just hard things.  The past few months have been a barrage of hard things... now let's not get caught up in the comparison of hard times, hard times are hard times for the person that is experiencing them and to compare pain is meaningless and demeaning.  Many of us have heard comments that tell us, in essence, just keep moving, be stronger, get through it.  Now, in some sense I agree with the ideas in these comments.  What is the alternative really?  Just stop living?  Curl up on your couch with whatever numbs you and hide?  That is not living.  That is not why God has us here.  So what do we do?  When times are hard and there are no answers, when surviving is about all we can muster up the strength to do.  We turn to our hope.  I ran across this scripture today from Lamentations: Lamentations 3:21-22 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. 

     And there it is,  I dare still hope when I remember the faithful love of God never ends!  What immeasurable grace! I have begun asking God to give me "see through vision".  That he would make me brave, not because of anything to do with myself, but that I have a hope that gives me strength for the hard times!  He makes me brave, His love, His mercy, His grace... I can face the hard because He is in my corner.  Not passively watching but embracing me and strengthening me!  James says to consider is pure joy when we experience suffering of various kinds, why? Because we know the testing of our faith produces endurance and steadfastness.  Trials, hard times, desert seasons, are our training grounds! God is strengthening our faith in Him! There is beauty, even life, in the desert! The picture posted below is of the Bad Lands, the infamously dry and vegetation-less desert.  However, during very rare seasons beauty springs up out of the dry hard ground!  God make my faith like that of these beautiful flowers that have strengthened and adapted to the desert to bloom and produce something awe inspiring! May these hard seasons not be kept inside but made useful in being shared! 

All you need is LoVe

     Lately I feel as though every time I turn around there is something about love in front of me.  Pinterest is full of pins about how to love your husband, how to love your kids, how to love your body, and on and on.  I have had several conversations with girlfriends about how to love others better.  I have had a conversation with my husband about how he receives love and feels loved.  But if I were being honest with myself many, if not all, of these conversations that stemmed around how to love others better were simply ways to get others to love me more.  I know that seems convoluted, but bear with me.  I want to know how to love Travis, my husband, better so that he will feel loved and feel like he should love me more.  I want to know how to love my neighbor better so that whoever notices will think higher of me and love me.  Most of the things I do during my day are either directly, or indirectly, serving and loving myself.  Strange and humbling realization to say the least.  
     Jesus says in Matthew to "love your neighbor as yourself".  You see the Bible already assumes that we love ourselves.  Even if we say that we don't love ourselves well, that statement reveals that we think we should love ourselves more and others should love us more, and in a way that is loving ourselves.  We say things like, "I need to take some time for me, to love me".  We already love ourselves enough to clothe ourselves, feed ourselves, get rest for our bodies, exercise, etc.  All Jesus is saying here is that we should do the same for our neighbors.  He is not saying that self loathing is the way to live.  He is saying we already do things for ourselves that we can do for others.  You clothe yourself, clothe others.  You feed yourself, feed others.  You give yourself grace, give grace to others.  Most of the rules we use to judge others are rules that we, ourselves, don't even live by!  So my challenge from God this morning was this:  feeling anxious about something? Serve someone else;  feeling depressed by a situation in your life?  Love someone else.   If I could spend half of the time I spend thinking about myself and all of the ways I want to be loved, thinking of how to love someone else I would reach thousands of people with Jesus' love.  So there it is, my truest conviction, my current and perhaps unending struggle to love others the way that Jesus commands, the way I love myself.  

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

When you are weary

    You know those times when you are bone-deep tired.  Not just physically, like you have worked your body super hard to it's breaking point, but when you feel like that is also the state of your heart and mind.  You have worked so hard, for so long, that you have reached your breaking point?  Do you remember that feeling?  Those heavy, exhausted sighs, as if somehow taking in enough air will reinflate your body and mind... remember that feeling when you were finally able to rest? 
      I remember a time like this vividly, I was a child, maybe 9 or so, and I was swimming in a lake with my family.  I was pretty small, but could swim well enough that my mom wasn't too concerned about me.  There were some adults having an inner tube race in the deep part of the lake, they were facing backward at the starting line and I swam in the way of the oncoming traffic, they took off and I was quickly pulled under the water by the passing inner tubes.  I remember frantically kicking my feet and scrambling to find the surface of the water, I was turned around and terrified, I couldn't touch the bottom, but couldn't find the top.  I don't really remember who found me or if I eventually swam my way back to the part of the lake I could touch the bottom.  But what I do remember is the feeling I got when I finally reached the shore and my mom was there to hug me and make sure I knew I was safe again.  My lungs felt hot and heavy, my legs were tired from thrashing in the water, my eyes burned (partly from the water in the lake, but mostly from crying) and I took that first deep breath in my momma's arms and it felt so amazing.  Then I remember sitting with her on the shore and feeling so relaxed and at ease, I was safe, I could rest.  
     I tell that story because there have also been seasons spiritually when I was drowning, or at least I felt like I was.  My feet were kicking as hard as I could kick, but without knowing which direction the top of the water was, they were completely useless.  I was striving so hard, working with all my might to get back to safety, to find the shore.  Along the way I even tried holding on to other things, people and objects, to keep me afloat.  Only to find that I would either drag them down with me, or that I would lose my grasp and they would disappear.  All I had to do was stop thrashing, stop fighting, some swimming, and cry out for help and God would be right there to lift me from the water and onto the shore.  I remember the night that happened for the first time, I was sitting in my living room crying out to God completely empty and exhausted.  I finally surrendered, I gave up my fight and held up my hands for God to save me.  And He did, simple as that, He was there... there wasn't anything magical about the way I did it.  It wasn't some out-of-body-experience, just a feeling of exhaustion, then surrender, then rest.  I took that deep breath, the kind that shudders in your chest, and then just rested in His arms.  I was safe, the problems and circumstances were still around me, but I was safe in His arms.  Jesus would fight those battles, I could just lean back and rest in His embrace.  
     I'm not really sure why I feel lead to talk about this today, maybe because I am feeling weary and exhausted from striving.  But I just felt like I needed to remind myself, and share with others, that there is rest for our weary souls.  We don't have to strive so hard, we just need to find the arms of our Savior and rest there.  
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.."-Jesus

When Oceans Rise

     These past few months God has been doing some major work in my heart.   It's been like Extreme Makeover, Heart of Courtney Edition.  I feel like He came in and took a look around and thought, "that wall is coming down, we are going to open this space up and create a much more inviting atmosphere  in here".  This is not the first time I have felt this massive shift in my heart, but somehow it feels brand new, exciting, life giving!  It all started about three months ago when my husband came to me and said "I'm going to start my own business and I have one month to do it, by the way my boss is firing me as of the end of the month." As you can imagine this didn't go over super smoothly, don't get me wrong I completely believed in Travis, I believed in his abilities and trusted his instincts that this was the best direction to head in, however, I grew up in a home of business owners and know how taxing, uncertain, and unbelievably exhausting this process can be.  So after my meltdown of sorts I went to Travis and confessed my fears, but got behind him 100%.  I knew this was going to be a journey that God was going to use to do more work on me so I was ready to buckle in and get going on this ride.  And then it began, the uncertainty in money, the long hours being gone from home, the "learning the hard way", business ownership stuff.  And that's when God peeled back some of the wall paper I had decorating the walls in my heart and revealed some really ugly things underneath.  You see as much as I want to believe that I "love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength" the reality is this, I was finding my security in a lot of other things, most of all money.  And this was my opportunity to either allow God to keep stripping that pretty wall paper and revealing the ugliness underneath, or to ask Him to kindly stop and leave my beautifully decorated walls alone.  I chose the first, I mean once you know what's under there the best things to do is finish the job right?  So, three months go by, the money is still uncertain, the bills have been paid (some of them late, but they got paid, praise Jesus!) and best of all not only has God been able to strip the wall paper but He has also knocked those walls down and made my heart space so much bigger!  I have learned to trust Him more and more through this process and wouldn't change this season for all the riches in the world.  Let me tell you, it's not pretty, some days I have to stop every few minutes, collect my wandering mind, and pray the God will be my source of security, the only source that is permanent and sustaining.  But He has!  I have seen Him answer prayers in the most peculiar of ways, I have grown a community of women around me that are comfortable with my vulnerability and encourage me to continue being real.  I am incredibly grateful for the heart space that God created that allows more people in, more of Him.  I am still a work in progress, I think this renovation will be an ongoing one, and I am okay with that.  But praise God that those walls will never look the same, I will be forever changed by this process and that is worth all of the mess! This is a song that God has been using over and over in my heart during this process.  The lyrics resonate in my soul and I pray that I never go back! "I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine!" 

Faith like Abraham

     How do you want to be known? What characteristics do you want to mark your life?  Loyal? Loving? Kind? Disciplined? Determined? Patient? Successful?  How about outwardly... thin? Beautiful? Put-together?  None of these things are inherently evil or wrong.  In fact, some of those things I listed are also listed in Galatians as the Fruit of the Spirit.  But is this what I should be striving after?  I was reading a book this morning about seeing Jesus in Genesis and the author was specifically talking about Abraham.  Abraham was a man of tremendous faith.  In fact, when he is spoken of in the New Testament that is what marked his character, this unparalleled faith.  The author points out that Abraham had faith was accredited to him as righteousness.  He believed God.  Not just believed in God.  Not just that God existed, he believed God would fulfill all of His promises.  God promised Abraham that he would inherit land and have offspring that outnumbered the stars.  This childless, one-hundred-year-old man with a barren wife trusted God when He said that his offspring would bless all people, everywhere.  I think it's important to note that Abraham died a physical death before seeing with his eyes the fruition of these promises.
     Abraham believed God when He said the Savior of the world, of all people, would come from his lineage.  Without any knowledge of what this would look like, without the cross in his lifetime to look to as a reference point, Abraham fully trusted God.  Because of this, his faith was credited to him as righteousness.  Not his church attendance, or classes he taught, not his clean house, stacked bank account, trim physique, or number of people who followed him on Twitter.  His reputation, what we know of him today, his righteousness came from him trusting in God.  
     Maybe instead of striving to be more put-together, more visually appealing, more "secure" in worldly standards, I need simply to strive to put my faith in God's promises, the promise of salvation through Jesus.  If my life, my character, my reputation is anchored in Christ alone, then the rest should fall in place right?  Maybe this is Kingdom seeking? Maybe then, dare I say only then, are those other qualities: loving, determined, patient, kind, etc... pointed in the direction that can be effectively used for God's glory.  

God, may my reputation grow to be one that is marked by faith and trust in Your promise of salvation through Jesus.  Create in me the qualities that can come only from walking closely with You and learning to fully trust in You.  

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

    I was recently given the opportunity to go to a Women's Conference at our local church.  I love conferences... I love getting together with women to worship God.  Something about the sound of soprano and alto voices being lifted to the throne gives me goose bumps!  I am so sure that God is smiling when he sees his daughters in one accord singing praises to their Father.  As much as I love a women's event like this I was not totally convinced I was going to receive a "life changing word" from this event.  I was just so sure that I was going to serve others more than to be served myself.  To connect with some of my fellow lady church members and grow together more intimately.  And those things did happen, but they were completely secondary to the message that the Lord, my sweet patient God, had for me.  
     Most of us have heard the passage of Peter walking on water enough times to recite it.  Growing up in a Baptist Church means that you have been exposed to most of the "major" Bible stories by this point in your life.  But yesterday God revealed to me in a completely new way how this story is so relevant in my life right now.  Let me set up our situation so this is better understood... Travis, my husband, and some wonderful a friend, (family really) were given the opportunity to start a remodel, reconstruction, handy-work business at the start of 2014.  This was a situation that we had been praying about for a year or so and really felt as though God was providing this opportunity.  So we took it, and all the risks that come with owning your own business.  The unsure hours, unsure pay, unsure futures... all of it.  Now for the most part this has been a beautiful picture of God empowering these two men and making them stronger leaders in our families.  But on the flip side of that coin it has revealed some ugly places in my heart as a wife and mother of two children who depend on me to feed them.  *note-I do completely recognize that it is my husbands job to provide the money, but I cook the food ;) So here we are, three months in, and God has been providing, He has given everything we needed in the moments we needed it.  But I was still struggling to let go of the fears of instability, though I completely believed in my husbands' abilities, but businesses fail everyday right?  Now back to Peter...
   In the story Jesus was up on a mountain by Himself, praying, spending some alone time with His Father.  He had just fed the 5,000 and probably was in desperate need of some peace and quiet. (as a mother of two children under 3 I can totally relate, some days I wish I had a mountain top to escape to!)  The disciples had gotten in the boat and set sail.  They were relatively far out so what does Jesus do to catch His ride?  Well, He walks on the water of course... just steps right out into the crashing waves and howling wind and starts walking!  When the disciples look out across the water they see this man walking toward them, and they think they are seeing a ghost... which, let's be honest, is just as probable as a man walking on top of the water.  Jesus calls out to them and reveals His identity, at this point Peter, good ole Peter, says "If it's You, Lord let me walk on the water with You."  Now, I can totally relate to Peter.  He usually doesn't think before he speaks,  he says pretty much whatever comes into his mind, and usually ends up with his foot in his mouth.  But he LOVES Jesus.  In fact, Jesus tells Peter in a later story that upon this rock (Peter) He will build his church.  Peter is a man loved by Jesus and completely in love with Him, but he is a bit over-eager at times.  So, after Peter says this Jesus' response was "Come".  I love that, Jesus was like "okay big boy, you wanna try walking on water, step out of that boat".  Now, you have to give Peter some credit here, he is the only disciple that's asking to walk on water, and he actually steps out of the safety of the boat.  What is his reward?  He walks on water!!! Peter steps out onto the uncertainty of the crashing waves and whipping winds and walks on water with His Savior!  He was doing pretty good too, until he started looking at the waves and the wind around him and takes his eyes off of Jesus, then he starts to sink.  However, even in his fear and doubt he calls out to Jesus and says help me Lord! And Jesus immediately reached out His hand and raised him out of the water.  He then looks at Peter and says "oh you of little faith".  And back into the safety and security of the boat they went.  
     This story resonates so deeply in my soul.  First of all, I long to be like Peter when he simply believed in Jesus and stepped out of the boat.  He didn't think about the consequences or the uncertainty of the water, he just stepped out.  Secondly,  I want to fix my eyes upon my Savior, look full in Jesus' loving eyes and be completely focused solely on Him as I walk on the water.  Can you imagine what it must have felt like for those few moments that Peter was successfully walking on top of the water?  What freedom!?  What intimacy with Jesus!?  MAN, I want that!  What if Peter had never taken His eyes off of the Lord and looked at the waves around him?  What if he had stayed focused on Jesus?  How long would they have walked around out there?  Thirdly, I don't want to stay in the safety of my boat, even if I do sink I want to completely trust in Jesus to be there to take my hand and pull me out of the water.  So, I listed out my fears and God's response to those fears in this passage... it looks like 
Fears                                                                                  Answers
Failure- sinking into the water                               Jesus was there and immediately took Peter by the hand

Disapproval- the rest of the disciples in the boat      Not everyone got to experience even one second of                                                                                     water walking

Struggle-the crashing waves and whipping wind      Peter still walked even amidst the storm, and Jesus can                                                                               calm the storm any time He sees fit (see a couple different                                                                               places in the Bible)
     So there you have it.  All of you water walkers who desire not comfort, but closeness with Jesus, this is it! We have to step out of the boat!  We must transfix our eyes on our Savior and refuse to look to the left or the right.  It is a risk, but oh how great the reward! 

I NEED JESUS

    Okay this is going to be real life post... one of those  "not-so-pretty-make-you-a-little-uncomfortable" kind of posts.  So there's your warning, stop reading now if you would like.  
    These past few months have been some of the hardest in my adult life with children.  Lynnlee is three and is a constant handful.  Levi will be one in March and is very curious about the way things work (in other words he takes everything apart).  So as you can imagine my day is full of cleaning up messes and feeding small humans.  Under normal circumstances that would not be a huge ordeal, however add to this that Travis is starting his own reconstruction/remodel business and things have been a bit strained.  I have struggled to juggle my role as mommy with my role as supportive wife and cheerleader with my role as "keep the house running" lady.  Travis has had to work lots of late nights so my days have been void of any "me" moments.  I reached my breaking point yesterday and had a complete come apart, melt down, epic fall to pieces and spew words of anger, bitterness, and frustration moment. (Or few hours, okay let me be for real with you.)  
     Through this episode i have come to some conclusions, first of all the whole motherhood thing is super hard even on good days so we must have grace for one another and ourselves.  Second of all it is important as a woman to have a good ole fashion cry sometimes.  Third of all, every single person on this planet needs to be able to use the bathroom ALONE at least one time a day.  And finally, attempting to do any of these things without Jesus is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent impossible.  
     I love my children.  I love being a Mommy and staying home with them on a daily basis.  I feel like I am a fairly reasonable person.  That being said I have felt like a complete basket case and grumpy monster for the past few weeks.  I could blame it on so many things and a culmination of many things but the reality is that I am running on empty.  I am unable to give my children or my husband anything good in me because there is nothing good in me left. 
     Let me also reveal another misconception I have believed until this season.... having a "quiet time" in the morning before my children need me is wonderful.  Spending some much needed moments with God is necessary for me to start my day off well, BUT if that is the most time I spend consulting with God during the day I am in a for a world of hurt . It is the moment to moment that I need Him most.  It is the instant that I recognize that my child has just demolished packing Styrofoam into tiny balls in the play room and says that it is snowing that I need Jesus not just in memory of what I heard from Him that morning but in what I need that minute to not completely lose my composure on my three-year-old.  (By the way, that stuff is straight from Satan and is impossible to clean up... seriously)  I need Jesus, literally EVERY MOMENT to be a good Mom, wife, friend, person.  I mean maybe some of you are just good people, just generally patient, kind, loving, and peace filled.  I envy you, I wish I was more like that naturally, but the honest to goodness truth is that I am none of those things left on my own.  Just ask my husband or my children.  So there it is, the real truth about my heart.  If you peeked behind closed doors or a hidden camera that is what you would find.  I need Jesus.  I need Him to be good for anything.  I need Him to love people well.  I need Him I need Him I need Him.