The end of a really hard year

     Well, it certainly has been quite a while since I last wrote.  Not for lack of words, but possibly for too many.  This year has been wonderful, beautiful, horrible, exhausting, promising, and so many other descriptions that I could add just thinking back over the past 363 days.  Through it all, through the financial burdens, the health issues, the friendships fostered, the relationships lost, there has been one consistent theme through it all... God is still so good.  I must confess a lack of faith in that throughout the months, but God has shown up to renew my strength and remind me of all of His faithFULness!  In the past month or so I have begun praying in quite a different manner than I ever have before.  Let me start at the beginning of the most recent journey I am on with God....
      It all started about a week before Thanksgiving.  We were struggling through some pretty serious financial decisions and really weren't sure what the next step to take was going to look like.  I began having a whole host of doubt plague my heart, "where is God?" "does He really want to bless ME?" "why do I feel so full of fear, I have seen God provide before?" and so many more.  I opened my Bible and began reading in Hebrews 11... I read how Moses had the faith to lead the people through the wilderness, to cross the Red Sea, how Abraham had the faith that God would make him a great nation, how Sarah trusted that God would give her a child in her old age, and so on and so on.  As I was reading this passage I was thinking "Okay God I get it, they had faith. If I'm being honest here, I don't, now what?"  And then I sat there, feeling helpless, frustrated, and embarrassed that the truth was what it was.  I didn't have faith.  I didn't trust God.  I couldn't muster it up, pretend it was there, fake it till I could make it... it just wasn't.  So I cried, I confessed my lack of faith, I asked God to fill me up with it because frankly I wasn't sure where else it could come from at this point.
     Then I picked up my Bible and started reading again, Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses" at this point, the Bible student in me perked up, see I have been taught that it you see the word "therefore", you should ask yourself "what is it there for?".  So I looked back up at what I just read, all about the heroes of my faith, all about their trust in God and how God showed up for them.  They are the "great cloud of witness".  I could feel my heart beating a little faster now... so I continued. "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race which is set before us."  Now the former athlete in me was getting stirred up.  Run with endurance, where do you get endurance? Through practice! Through trials and failed attempts and more practice! At this point I feverishly turned to James 1 and read "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness (endurance)"  I was feeling the "Hallelujah" rising up in my heart! So I kept reading... "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and it seated at the right hand of the throne of God."  I laid back on my bed, closed my eyes, and pictured this scene. It was as though I was watching a movie.  Walk through it with me...

      I can feel the pavement beneath my feet, my heart pounding, my breath beginning to shorten.  My legs feel heavy and tired, but I am running.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, I am not fast, but I am running.  Then I begin to feel the wind in my face, a breeze blowing through my hair and reminding me that I am still in the race.  Then I realize I am carrying a huge backpack on my back, it is heavy, full of memories, fears, failures, hopes, dreams, and a dozen pairs of shoes I'm sure ;) and I remember "lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely" and I take it off.  It wasn't difficult really, I just slipped the straps off my shoulders and let the pack fall to the ground, and I leave it there. Now running feels a bit easier.  I feel lighter, and my steps a bit faster.  Then I hear it, cheers to my left and my right, and there they were!  My heroes of the faith, they have finished their race, they ran with endurance and they are cheering me on!  Screaming like maniacs, encouraging me to keep running, to set my eyes on the race in front of me, not the heavy burden I left behind.  And now I can hear Him, Jesus, seated at the end of the race, on His throne, He is cheering louder than all of the others!  He is my biggest fan, my loudest voice, He finished His race "for the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross". And now He is resting on His throne, encouraging me to keep running.  

     I opened my eyes with tears running down my face.  I am not alone, it is not based on my faith alone.  I can stand on the shoulders of my heroes, those men and women that have gone before.  Some of them in the Bible, some of them I had the privilege to stand shoulder to shoulder with in this life.  All of them cheering loudly saying "keep running, it's oh so worth it!"  And so I do, even through this hard year.  Some people have asked me how I do it?  How I keep going after this difficult season?  And this is the secret, I have a great cloud of witnesses and my Jesus cheering me on... My prayer for this next year is this verse, that I will run with endurance, run freely and unhindered, toward the things that God has set before me.  That I will hear those voices and know that I can trust the God that is the same today as He was in ages past when those great heroes ran their races.  I will press on, I will endure! 

When the dust settles

     After all of the excitement we had in the month of July, as far as I'm concerned, it can just take a hike and be wiped off our calender!   I'm ready for August, I need a fresh start.  But God has been so faithful to teach me so many wonderful things through the trials we experienced in July.  He never lets anything, any experience, go wasted when we surrender our hearts and our lives to His will.  I'm going to attempt to share, in a somewhat coherent manner, a few of the things I feel like He has been teaching me. Bear with me if I get a little hard to follow.
     First of all, I have learned a couple of things about myself.  I have learned I am great in crisis.  I mean really, in the moment of tragedy, you will want me at your side.  I get this strange calm that takes over.  Everything is super clear, I know that was God, I know He was upholding me.  He gives us strength in our weakest moments.  On the flip side of that coin, when the calm comes after the storm, when I get still and process, I struggle with tremendous amounts of anxiety after-the-fact.  So that's where I am today, the dust is settling, Levi is healing wonderfully, and life is returning to "normal".  So now is when I begin my struggle with anxiety, I am working really hard on surrendering this to God at this time, He says "cast all your cares upon Me, My yoke is easy and my burden is light".
     So that's what brings me to these past couple of days, a heart struggling with anxiousness, and a knowledge that I have a God who cares about that.  A sweet friend of mine, she was once my "watch care momma" (basically an adoptive mom through the church I attended while I was in college), she has been involved in my life for eight years now and I am so grateful for her wisdom and willingness to share her heart with me and my family... she brought me a book a couple of weeks ago called "Rules for the Red Sea".  It has been a tool that God has used over and over again to remind me of some truths that I have known but that are so easy to forget in the time of crisis.  If you are in a trial or know someone who is, this little book is worth the investment.  So I began reading about a week ago and the story of the Israelites had some great parallels in my life now.  I opened up my Bible and decided I wanted to see what God's Word had to say about these circumstances and a couple of things became very clear to me.
     First, that God is in control of ALL things.  It says in Exodus 13: 17-18 that God led the people of Israel out of Egypt and into the wilderness instead of going into the land of the Philistines (which would have been a more direct route).  His reason?  "Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt."  God took them on a more lengthy journey because He knew what their hearts could and could not handle. He was protecting them, even though they may never have known from what.  Sometimes I feel like I know a shorter way through the journey, a way that would get me there faster, but God doesn't allow me to travel that path, I may never know why or what He was protecting me from.  But I can be assured that this is what is best for me and my family.
    Second, that God will get His glory, because He alone is worthy.  And that is the whole point of us being on this earth, to bring Him glory, so the whole earth will know Him.  In Exodus 14: 1-20 the Bible tells us the story of how the Israelites arrived at the Red Sea.  It says God told Moses to lead the people of Israel into a "rock and a hard place" type scenario, "the wilderness has shut them in" and their backs were to the sea.  Then God said "I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord."  So the scene is set, the Israelites in a hopeless scenario and for what? For God to get His glory in the land of the Egyptians.  When I read that statement it struck my heart and it was like there was a light that turned on in the darkness.  This is it, this is the whole reason that "bad things happen to good people".  God's glory and His worship is the end game.  It is the way that the world can see Him most clearly, when God is glorified and lifted up.
     The story continues... The Egyptians are pressing in and the Israelites are terrified (and rightfully so) and they cry out to the Lord. And what is God's response?  "Fear not, stand firm,and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.  The Lord will fight for you, and you have only need to be still." (vv. 13 &14)
     So that is what I am doing, I am actively being still and allowing God to fight for me.  When the walls are closing in and the enemy is drawing near.  When the sea is at our backs and there is no apparent escape.  God says, "watch and see".  It isn't a passive lack of care or laziness, it is an active choice to stand still.  Stand still and listen for God's next command, we never know when that sea will part and He will say "follow me into a miracle".

The miraculous and the mundane

     Have you ever experienced a time in your life that you literally feel like you are dangling by a thread?  Like at any moment that thread might break?  Well, I'm there.  After the week we had last week with Levi's accident and being in the hospital I anticipated that this week might be difficult.  But I was thinking the hard part would be the transitioning of Levi and his injuries.  That part has been far better than I could have hoped, he is healing wonderfully.  He is a strong little man and God is healing his body quite quickly!  For that we are so grateful and thankful!  And because of that fact I feel horrible for worrying about anything else! 
      I feel so ungrateful for what I'm about to say, we experienced a miracle when God protected Levi, we experienced a miracle when his little body began to heal so quickly, but now we need another one.  And I feel like I am being so selfish and spoiled to even ask for another... it's not like I feel like I need to earn God's favor, not that because I am good He will show up... that's not it at all, but more along the lines of He was so faithful to care for Levi, in that HUGE trauma and circumstance, that I feel like asking for Him to show up in this situation is petty and pathetic.  So I was honest with God, I journaled and confessed my unbelief and lack of faith.  I confessed and asked for God to continue revealing His character to me so that I could trust Him more.  I feel so silly even typing those words.  I mean I JUST saw God show up in a beautiful way a little over a week ago.  You would think I would have the faith that could move mountains.  So why do I question His providence in this situation?  How could I doubt His character now?  
     My flesh is so weak, I am such a human.  I have such a short memory, and I am reminded of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.  God parted the Red Sea to save them from their enemies, how much more miraculous could that be?  And not one chapter later His people had forgotten.  They were complaining and fearful for how He would provide for their daily needs, as if He would save them from Egyptian armies and leave them in the wilderness to die.  So I keep reminding myself that God is still the same God that He was in the hospital, in the middle of my worst moments.  He is still the God who cares, the God who sustains, the God who provides, JEHOVAH-JIRAH, the God who sees.  So I guess the point of this whole post is this, God doesn't just show up in the obviously miraculous, He will also show up in the everyday and the mundane.  And we don't have to wonder if our problems are big enough for Him to care about because it says in Matthew that he cares for the flowers and the birds, and how much more does He love us!  He is faithful, ALWAYS, He is not like us.  He is totally other, He is consistent, we can trust in Him.  The two pictures I posted below are from this past week, the first one from the hospital with Levi, in the moment that I was so sure of God's faithfulness.  And the bottom is one from this week, after choir practice, God's reminder that He is with me in the storm and the calm.  Great is Thy faithfulness! 
God, give me faith, more faith!  I confess my tendency to humanize You.  I know that You are wholly other.  I confess my fear that You may not show up.  Forgive me for forgetting how You have already shown up for us in so many miraculous ways.  I will lead my heart and my mind in Your ways and follow You and trust You!  You are worthy, You alone.  Help me not forget! 

When the very worst could have happened

     This week has been the longest and most excruciating of my life. On Tuesday morning the biggest fear in a parents life became a reality in mine, our son Levi, sixteen months old, was struck by a car pulling out of a driveway.  My husband was the first one to get to him and that image has haunted him for days.  Within moments we were at the hospital and within moments after that he was being airflighted to a children's hospital.  To say it was horrifying to watch them load him into a helicopter would be putting it far too mildly, however there were a few things that God put in our path that made this easier.  First of all within 15 minutes there were 10 friends there with us praying and assisting in getting us what we needed.  We overtook the emergency room with a prayer circle and there was a peace that filled my heart in that terrible place of fear.  Second, the emergency room doctors and nurses as well as the helicopter nurses were beautiful people that held us, cried with us, and assured us that he looked great as far as they could tell. As they were strapping him to the stretcher to load him into the helicopter the nurse looked at me and with big tears in his eyes said "I'm praying too".  I hadn't realized it, but in that moment I had been praying out loud, not consciously but completely led by the Spirit.  When I got in the car to head toward Memphis after the helicopter took off I remember thinking to myself, "This is what all of those days of praying, studying God's Word, fellowshipping with other believers, filling myself up is for.  This is when you must be full to be able to be completely poured out and know that God is good and faithful."  I am forever grateful for that moment of blessed assurance.
     As the next hours progressed we learned that Levi is indeed a strong and miraculous little boy.  He made it out of the accident with a couple lacerations on his head, road rash on the lower part of his body, and a few fractures in his pelvis.  Though he is in pain, he is on the mend and will heal completely.  As we were in the hospital God placed not one, but two nurses that I went to Union with in our path. (Remember that we were in Memphis, a huge city and about 100 miles from our home town).  And that was just one of the dozens of confirmations that He gave us that He was present.  He had not left us, nor Levi, not for one second.  While I was sitting in his hospital room, watching him resting peacefully, praying and praising God for protecting my boy, God gave me a couple of songs that resonated in my mind over and over.  The first was the song It Is Well.  The lyrics I prayed and sang over my boy...
When peace like a river attendeth my way, 
when sorrow like sea billows roll, 
whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
 it is well, it is well with my soul.  
     And in that moment I could reflect on my heart and sing with all my might It Is Well.  Not because Levi is well, not because I am well, but because God is here and He makes all things good.  And I was responsible for reminding my heart of that, You have taught me to say "it is well with my soul".   A second song that rang so true in my heart and mind is the Chris Tomlin song Angel Armies,  I believe that God gave me this song to help me remember how Levi was protected that day, 
I know who goes before me, 
I know who stands behind, 
the God of angel armies is always by my side. 
     And I have no doubt that God was by our side, by Levi's side, throughout every single moment.  So, I write all this to say, we are home, Levi is healing quickly, we are so grateful for the prayers of each and every person that lifted sweet Levi before the throne of God, and we know beyond a doubt that He has a plan for this!  To God be the glory! 

Some pictures of sweet Levi for your viewing pleasure :)

What I'm learning now...

    You know those seasons where you feel as though you are being stretched beyond your limits?  Those seasons where you are stretched so thin you know you must be completely see through, transparent?  That's where I am now.  If I'm being honest, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be in an easier time.  I want to stop being stretched and pushed.  But that's not what God has for me now, for now this is where He chooses and wills for me to be.  You see, I am a fixer, I am a problem solver.  If there is an answer to be found I am going to search until I find it.  If I can resolve the pain, I will... if there is an alternative to hard things, I am going to seek it out... if there is a way, I will seek until I discover it.  That sounds all good and fine until there are no answers.  Until you come upon a problem that has no solution, there is no alternate path to take, there is no resolution.  That's where God has me now, and I think I am learning why.  When you are a problem solver, a fixer, you tend to try EVERYTHING else before you take it to God.  That is my issue, my pride, I think I can find the answers, I think I don't need Him to help me.  Pride is such a problem in our culture, we are told to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and work harder.  We can do it, without the help of anyone else.  We don't ask for help we just keep it all bottled up inside, like asking for help is admitting weakness.  So, this is where I am, no solutions, no resolutions, no answers, just an impossible situation.  And then I turned to The Lord, Jehovah-Jirah, the God who Provides, the God who Sees.  And this is what I am learning...
     God never tells us to figure it out on our own.  He tells us to come to Him in humility...
2 Chronicles 7:14...if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land. 
Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way
     So this is where I am, I am confessing my sin of pride and asking God to continue to teach me about humility and vulnerability.  And I am learning to pray, pray first, talk later (if at all).  Take it to the only One who can really satisfy my heart.  And ask, ask in faith.  Because God tells me...
Psalm 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield, he bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  
Matthew 6:33 Seek first, the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. 
     There it is... the truth in all of this, the answer to all things.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. That is my goal.  I am learning to delight myself in God first, not myself, not my dreams.  Those are important to God too!  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  BUT FIRST, I seek His Kingdom and His righteousness and learn to delight in Him!  
Thank you God for this place.  This hard place, this place of uncertainty, this place of stretching.  I know that You are here, I know that you are near to me.  I ask for you to continue to teach me humility, continue to teach me to delight only in You!  To take my dreams, fears, and desires to You and trust in You to deliver.  You are worthy of all my trust, all my hope, all my faith, You alone.  I am Yours. 

When I think I'm going under 

part the waters Lord

When I feel the waves surround me,

calm the sea

When I cry for help Oh hear me Lord

and hold out Your hand

Touch my life

still the raging storm in me

Songs in my heart

     The past few weeks have been such an odd combination of excitement and fear, contentedness and longing, peace and anxiety. I feel one thing one minute and then the following I feel something totally different. Now as a woman I am no stranger to emotions, raging hormones and a tender heart make sure of that. But these feelings have been more deeper than just "being a woman". These feelings have been drawing me, almost magnetically or like gravity, to the Lover of My Soul. I have needed to be close to Him every moment of my day in order to assure that my roller coaster of emotions didn't hijack my family and take them along for the ride. I haven't felt like reading, that took too much emotional and mental energy, I haven't felt like talking, that would mean that I had to figure out how I was feeling in that very moment and that was simply too difficult a task. So, like an old pair of pj's on a cool night, I turned to worship. Worship, praise music, lyrics that speak directly to my soul and reverberate my emotions back to God, has always been a language I fully engaged in. I love it. So here are a few songs and lyrics that God has placed in my heart these weeks to cling to like a life raft in my river of emotions... I hope that they speak to your soul as they speak to mine.



Jason Gray- Begin Again

Arise, my love, the winter's past, the spring has come!

He makes all things beautiful in time

After the fire, what remains is the love that will not change

And makes all things beautiful in time

It's never too late for a new start

No matter how your life's been torn apart

When you're at the end, you can begin again

There's never been a night so long…

There's never been a life too far gone

When you come to the end, you can begin again


Sovereign Grace- All I have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night, yet though I knew the way.

The sin that promised joy and life had led me to the grave.

I had no hope that You would own a rebel to You will

And if you had no loved me first I would refuse You still


Now Lord I would be Yours alone, and live so all might see

The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.

O Father, use my ransomed life in any way You choose

and let my song forever be, "My only hope is You". 

Hallelujah, all I have is Christ! 

Hallelujah, Jesus is my life!





God, let my soul forever be desiring You. Draw me Lord to You!

Hope

    Sometimes life is just hard, ya know?  I mean, really, sometimes there really isn't a solution to the problem, sometimes there is no reconciliation, sometimes the pain doesn't end, sometimes there are just hard things.  The past few months have been a barrage of hard things... now let's not get caught up in the comparison of hard times, hard times are hard times for the person that is experiencing them and to compare pain is meaningless and demeaning.  Many of us have heard comments that tell us, in essence, just keep moving, be stronger, get through it.  Now, in some sense I agree with the ideas in these comments.  What is the alternative really?  Just stop living?  Curl up on your couch with whatever numbs you and hide?  That is not living.  That is not why God has us here.  So what do we do?  When times are hard and there are no answers, when surviving is about all we can muster up the strength to do.  We turn to our hope.  I ran across this scripture today from Lamentations: Lamentations 3:21-22 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. 

     And there it is,  I dare still hope when I remember the faithful love of God never ends!  What immeasurable grace! I have begun asking God to give me "see through vision".  That he would make me brave, not because of anything to do with myself, but that I have a hope that gives me strength for the hard times!  He makes me brave, His love, His mercy, His grace... I can face the hard because He is in my corner.  Not passively watching but embracing me and strengthening me!  James says to consider is pure joy when we experience suffering of various kinds, why? Because we know the testing of our faith produces endurance and steadfastness.  Trials, hard times, desert seasons, are our training grounds! God is strengthening our faith in Him! There is beauty, even life, in the desert! The picture posted below is of the Bad Lands, the infamously dry and vegetation-less desert.  However, during very rare seasons beauty springs up out of the dry hard ground!  God make my faith like that of these beautiful flowers that have strengthened and adapted to the desert to bloom and produce something awe inspiring! May these hard seasons not be kept inside but made useful in being shared!