Anxiety and the call to rest

     I have been debating whether or not I was ready to write this blog post for a couple weeks now.  I mean I so do not have this anxiety thing figured out yet. I have moments that I feel as though my chest will explode and I will not be able to take another breath.  How could I possibly write about how I am "dealing" with anxiety?  But maybe right in the middle of it is where I need to be writing.  Maybe that's how God is working out this whole thing in my life for my best and for other's as well? So here we go...
     Anxiety is not a new thing in my life.  I grew up knowing that my family has a history of this monster we label "anxiety".  I have a wonderful family full of strong women.  We have lots of opinions.  We are loud.  We love fiercely.  We carry the load.  We bear all the burdens.  We see the problem and immediately feel as though it is our duty to find the solution.  Some of those qualities are amazing.  Some of them not so much.  You see, though the world views this kind of strength as a positive attribute, I am learning that often (at least in my own life) some of them are really just symptoms of an underlying issue.  What I am learning is that when I start to feel that it is my responsibility to carry the burdens of everyone around me, to refuse to ask for help when I desperately need it, to assume that I can be the solution to every problem I encounter... I am often dealing with my own anxiety just right under the surface.  My anxiety drives me to control EVERYTHING I possibly can.  To feel uncomfortable with any unsettled situations.  Therefore, I begin the crazy whirlwind of problem solving and micromanaging.  This process often leaves me feeling exhausted, overextended, more anxious and absolutely no good for anyone around me.
     There you have it.  My confession.  I turn into a micromanaging control freak with a short temper and a mean spirit whenever I am relying on myself to solve all the worlds problems.  Or at least my world.  But the past few weeks I have really been asking God to stop this cycle of crazy, to change my "nature" and create in me a new pattern.  I thought certainly this would be a long journey of a lot of work and discipline for myself. Instead, you know what I have found Him saying to me? Rest.  Stop.  Pause.  Deep breaths.  

"Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7.  

     That simple.  Casting all you anxieties on Him... Notice that is in the present tense... a constant.  Continually casting anxieties.  God, in His beautiful infinite sovereignty and wisdom, knew that we were going to struggle with wanting to take control of our circumstances for ourselves and saw it fit to remind us to continually cast our worries and fears on HIM.  And let's not miss WHY... because He cares for you, for me.  He wants my burdens because He loves me, because He knows the only way to live a peace filled life is to rely on Him.  And how silly for me not to do this, as though I could change one single thing on my own? He so sweetly calls to me and says "My precious daughter, come to me, lay it all at my feet.  Trust me.  I am trustworthy.  Believe me when I say I will work ALL things out for your very best.  I love you." Doesn't that sound too good to be true?  The most beautiful gift of love.  But He is just that good, He is even more good than that...  His love is everlasting and unfailing.  There is not a single thing that we, as His redeemed children, could do to make Him love us one iota less.  And also not one single thing that we could do to make Him love us one iota more.  He just does.  His love is perfect like that.  So other than us.  You can't earn it, you can't lose it.  It just is for His children.  And He is the Master Problem Solver.  The All Knowing One who sees every single thing, past, present, and future.  And He is saying to us all, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
      I am not naturally good at this, but I know that my sweet loving God is patient and will always be there while I am learning to practice this rest.  He is so beautifully gracious that He requires us not to work harder, do better, figure the problem out for ourselves... Instead He says 'come to me and I will give you rest.'  And I don't know about you, but those words are like the most refreshing water to my scorched and thirsty soul.

Surviving or Thriving

If you have been following my blog for any amount of time you will surely have noticed that this past year or so has been difficult to say the least.  We have experienced loss like I have not experienced in my entire life combined.  As I was beginning to feel like God was beating up on me, or that He was just too busy to notice, I had an encounter with Him that reminded me that His character is true and sufficient.  I had been hanging on by a thread.  Standing on the ledge.  Feeling like I looked just like this plant.  Withered, beaten, neglected, and barely surviving.  Then my sweet Lord came to me... He met me on a church pew with other sisters who looked just a tired and ragged as I was feeling. (Funny isn't it, that when we are feeling so neglected we forget that we are not alone?) He reminded me in His Word to "understand this, in the last days there will come times of difficulty." ( 2 Timothy 3:1) So what then?  When life beats you down, circumstances feel as though they will overtake you, and you feel as though you are barely hanging on? What do we do then?  That was the question I was coming to the Lord with on this particular day.  And God oh so sweetly reminded me that I have hope.  Hope that He can take any circumstance and make something so beautiful out of it.  Beauty that I couldn't begin to even imagine, much less create.  He can take a person, barely surviving, but willing to be poured into and cause them not just to "make it", but to thrive!  This truly is His desire for my life.  When the storms come, that I wouldn't just "hang in there" or  wait for the phrase "this too shall pass" to become true, but in the midst of the storm to THRIVE.  So, how do I do this... as I was reading a book given to me by a sweet friend, the author said something that really struck a cord in me.  She said "Yes, you can throw pieces at God in anger and say "I do not like the life You have given me, and I refuse to life within these limitations with a humble heart."... However, if you choose to bow your knee and submit to the varied circumstances of your life, God will do miracles... you must accept any limitations by faith, trust in His faithfulness each step of the way, and wait for His grace so you can live a faithful story right in the place you find yourself." (Sally Clarkson) So that is the secret to thriving in the midst of the storm.  Submission, faith, and trust in God.  That He has a greater plan then you can imagine in this moment.  That He is orchestrating all things, not just when things are good and the sun is shining, but on those nights when the storm rages outside the window and your heart feels shattered.  The only difference in the first picture of the wilting plants, and this one is the second picture has been watered, tended to by The Gardener. I'm sure this entailed some painful pruning, but the plant trusted and submitted to The Gardeners plan to create something beautiful! Something that is not merely surviving... but thriving! 

But there was also another picture that God revealed to me.  And this one was harder on my heart than the first two.  Take a look at this plant.  It looks beautiful, like it is flourishing and thriving in that beautiful stone pot.  But the reality is that this plant is neither surviving nor thriving, in fact it has never experienced either, it is artificial.  Fake.  A fraud.  It requires no pruning or watering, no tending, no painful grooming.  No attention from The Gardener.  It is safe from the painful process that The Gardener has in mind for the living plants.  It is plastic.  And as I was thinking about all of the seasons of my life that I have been "plastic", unliving, fake, and safe, it came to me just how much bravery it takes to be real.  To be vulnerable to the process and plan that The Gardener has for our lives.  It is much easier to be fake.  It is much easier to be safe from the storms, in fact they don't matter when you are fake, nothing can hurt you.  But you will never experience the fullness and joy of being cared for and protected by The Gardener.  Being real is worth the pain.  It's worth the vulnerability when you have The Gardener tending to your heart.  

God, please continue to prune me, to tend to my heart, to water my soul with Your Word, the Living Water.  Help me to be vulnerable enough to be real and not artificial, even if I do look like the plant that is barely surviving.  Thank You for Your kindness, mercy, patience, and tenderness.  I submit my life to You.  In Jesus sweet, precious name I pray. Amen