I NEED JESUS

    Okay this is going to be real life post... one of those  "not-so-pretty-make-you-a-little-uncomfortable" kind of posts.  So there's your warning, stop reading now if you would like.  
    These past few months have been some of the hardest in my adult life with children.  Lynnlee is three and is a constant handful.  Levi will be one in March and is very curious about the way things work (in other words he takes everything apart).  So as you can imagine my day is full of cleaning up messes and feeding small humans.  Under normal circumstances that would not be a huge ordeal, however add to this that Travis is starting his own reconstruction/remodel business and things have been a bit strained.  I have struggled to juggle my role as mommy with my role as supportive wife and cheerleader with my role as "keep the house running" lady.  Travis has had to work lots of late nights so my days have been void of any "me" moments.  I reached my breaking point yesterday and had a complete come apart, melt down, epic fall to pieces and spew words of anger, bitterness, and frustration moment. (Or few hours, okay let me be for real with you.)  
     Through this episode i have come to some conclusions, first of all the whole motherhood thing is super hard even on good days so we must have grace for one another and ourselves.  Second of all it is important as a woman to have a good ole fashion cry sometimes.  Third of all, every single person on this planet needs to be able to use the bathroom ALONE at least one time a day.  And finally, attempting to do any of these things without Jesus is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent impossible.  
     I love my children.  I love being a Mommy and staying home with them on a daily basis.  I feel like I am a fairly reasonable person.  That being said I have felt like a complete basket case and grumpy monster for the past few weeks.  I could blame it on so many things and a culmination of many things but the reality is that I am running on empty.  I am unable to give my children or my husband anything good in me because there is nothing good in me left. 
     Let me also reveal another misconception I have believed until this season.... having a "quiet time" in the morning before my children need me is wonderful.  Spending some much needed moments with God is necessary for me to start my day off well, BUT if that is the most time I spend consulting with God during the day I am in a for a world of hurt . It is the moment to moment that I need Him most.  It is the instant that I recognize that my child has just demolished packing Styrofoam into tiny balls in the play room and says that it is snowing that I need Jesus not just in memory of what I heard from Him that morning but in what I need that minute to not completely lose my composure on my three-year-old.  (By the way, that stuff is straight from Satan and is impossible to clean up... seriously)  I need Jesus, literally EVERY MOMENT to be a good Mom, wife, friend, person.  I mean maybe some of you are just good people, just generally patient, kind, loving, and peace filled.  I envy you, I wish I was more like that naturally, but the honest to goodness truth is that I am none of those things left on my own.  Just ask my husband or my children.  So there it is, the real truth about my heart.  If you peeked behind closed doors or a hidden camera that is what you would find.  I need Jesus.  I need Him to be good for anything.  I need Him to love people well.  I need Him I need Him I need Him.  

Under your wing

     I was sitting alone in church yesterday morning... now this never happens, I usually sit with Travis (husband) or friends.  But yesterday Travis wasn't feeling well and I slipped in after the choir dismissed so I sat in an empty row.  I really enjoy the solidarity sometimes, it allows my mind to be completely focused on the Word being given, distractions minimized.  And I can tell that this was one of those God moments, you know the ones where the circumstances align just perfectly in His sovereignty?  Our pastor is preaching through the book of Ruth.  This is one of my favorite stories in the Bible and possibly of all time.  I love the attention to detail that God took when orchestrating Ruth's path to Boaz... I digress, anyway that was what he was preaching on.  As many times as I have read this story I had never seen the beauty in a particular passage of scripture.  Boaz is speaking to Ruth in this passage upon first seeing her gleaning in his fields...

Ruth 2:12 "The Lord repay you for what you have done (taking care of Naomi, her mother-in-law) and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge." 

    My pastor took a moment to highlight some other areas of scripture where this imagery is used to display God's protection and provision.  The first time it is used is Deuteronomy 32:10-13 Moses is singing over the people of Israel in the desert soon before he died. In verses 10 & 11 he sings "He found him in a desert land and in the howling waste of wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions." And also, David, in Psalms, refers to this same passage of scripture saying: "Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings." (Psalms 17:7-9)  Both of these scriptures paint the picture of God hovering over His children, shielding and protecting them from harm or danger.  As I heard these words, I lost my breath, my eyes flooded with tears, and I was taken over by the love of my God.  Then the pastor spoke these words that overwhelmed my heart all the more... He said "Between the need (financial, emotional, relational) and God's people are God's wings."  And then went on to speak about the foreshadowing of Jesus in this passage as well.  Jesus is our ultimate covering, our wings that cover our sins and make us white as snow.  I am overwhelmed guys.... overwhelmed by a God that loves me this much.  My heart is full of joy with this knowledge!  God loves us, He sent Jesus as our eternal covering, we can hide under the shadow of the blood of Christ and know we are safe.  We are safe. 

Hide me now under Your wings

Cover me within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul in Christ alone

Know His power in quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood 

I will be still and know You are God

Still by Hillsong

You make beautiful things

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that there is still so much beauty in God's creation.  These places make my heart soar with wonder at their Creator! What a beautiful God I serve to make such beautiful places!


I was exposed to this link via www.aholyexperience.com 

/http://www.viralnova.com/here-are-20-unbelievable-places-you-would-swear-arent-real-but-they-are/

The breath of God

How do I love my body… I was recently asked this question by a sweet friend who loves fitness and encourages so many people to live their lives as healthy as possible! At first I was sure I had an answer question that was unique, or a different perspective. I thought to myself… just as anyone else I suppose… anyone else with a limited budget, small children, and sleepless nights.   I try to eat well, or at least I try to remember to eat.  I try to be active, which is fairly easy chasing after two children under three.  I try to give my body rest, in between the cooking, cleaning, nursing, changing, rocking, playing, and did I mention I have an amazing husband I try to reserve some energy for?  I try to drink plenty of water, mostly in my coffee! You know just like all you other Mommas out there. But as I did my quiet time this morning I was reminded of another reason to love my body.  God made it, God crafted it from dust and combined it with His very breath; the breath that crafted the rest of creation was blown into the nostrils of man to give him life.  This same breath, the Holy Spirit, is breathed into our hearts to give us new life on the day of salvation.  I don’t know about anyone else but this is pretty incredible to me.  My body, this imperfect, worn down vessel, houses the breath of God!  I am created in His image… I look like Him.  In my best moments I reflect my Creator.  He created me, therefore He alone gets to name me, and He calls me His beloved.  This is a breathtaking, heart pounding, butterflies in my stomach kind of love.  If I house His breath in my body, than this body is pretty amazing and I will do everything I can to take care of the vessel He crafted to bring Him the glory He deserves! This is the scripture in Genesis that provoked this thought process... 

Genesis 2:7

...then the Lord formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into His nostrils the breath of life. (emphasis added)

The Artist

     Okay, someone please tell me that they have days like this... hard, hard, long days.  You know, the ones where you wake up and within moments you realize this is not going to be a day to write home about.  In fact this might even be a day to write down to remind yourself that things could get worse.  That, my friends, was my day yesterday.  To say that I handled it with grace and patience would be a gross overstatement of the truth.  I can say this, my children survived, I survived, the house survived (barely), and it is a new day.  This has been a really long hard season of cold weather, financial hardship, and sickness in the Tidwell household. So each day that passes and the sun rises I feel a little bit more ragged, but also a little bit more hopeful.  I remember the Bible says that each morning His mercies are new.  I get to restart, I get to recenter my heart and mind and focus on the things that are eternal, the things that matter. 
     I am learning, but I am a really slow learner sometimes.  This morning, however, the Lord reminded me that I am imperfect, I am flawed, I am human... but that He loves me and He isn't done with me yet.  These are the days that are shaping me, making me the woman and creature He sees.  I have heard many times about the statue of David that Michelangelo created.  You know, the famous one.  (Don't worry if you didn't know it was created by Michelangelo, I had to look it up... I'm not just smart like that!) But I do remember the story of someone asking Michelangelo how he creates such beautiful art out of a hunk of rock.  He said something like this... I look at the unshaped stone and chisel away all of the pieces that don't belong.  I look at the stone and see the finished product and just cut away the pieces until it is revealed.  
     Powerful... the Lord brought this to my mind as I was feeling really useless and like an utter failure this morning.  I haven't been patient with my children, my house is in constant disarray and I shouldn't care because all the "good moms" don't care about their house being messy due to their children.  (Side note: I just wonder if these "good moms" have the same tiny tornadoes living under their roofs?)  I have been irritable with my husband.... and the list could go on.  You know, the voice you hear when The Accuser really gets in your ear.  But as I sat in tears this morning, just praying for peace and patience with my family, and trying to figure out why I felt so out of sorts, God reminded me that He is my Creator, my Artist, the Michelangelo of my unshaped soul.  And He sees the finished product, He sees what is underneath all of the rough edges and jagged parts.  And that He is still working on me.  Just as I pray to have grace for others I need to pray for grace for myself.  He is using these times, these seasons of exhaustion and survival, to reveal the creation underneath, like a chisel, chipping away the jagged edges.  (This process is unending and uncomfortable, but totally worth it!) And one day, at the end of this string of time we call life, I will be the perfect creature He sees, but until then I strive to love others, give grace and patience and mercy to them and also to myself... and trust The Artist to do the rest.  

Dangling off the edge (Warning: these photographs just might prick your heart!)

image by Elena Shumilova


The photographer posted above has captured my heart and my soul in photographs.  I am not a connoisseur of photography or anything. I simply recognize what stirs in my heart.  This is one of those photographs that stopped me in my tracks.  I could hear the Holy Spirit in my soul whispering and wooing me.  This is the season of life I am in... my family is in. It is not a "bad" season, it's really beautiful in its own way.  It is a season of standing on the edge of the known and looking out into the waters of the unknown, toes dangling off the edge, trusting that whatever is on the other side of that step is in God's hands.  I look at this photograph and feel the peace of the Lord running through my body, from my fingertips to my tiptoes. I know that I know that the Lord is for me, I know that He will never leave me, I know He knows all, sees all... I know He has a plan.  I also know that does not mean an "easy life", a carefree life, a life I can handle... it means a life He can handle and I simply have to take that next step in faith, just trust Him.  I am grateful for this season of learning unconditional trust in God.  I am learning that the temporal things of this world are not my goal of life, my goal of life is the eternal, and the eternal is not learned or seen from the dock, it is only experienced in the "unknown", the step after your toes are dangling off the edge.  I am ready and willing Lord.  Teach me to know You, to trust You more, for alone are worthy. 

P.S. for more photographs from Elena follow this link...
http://www.boredpanda.com/animal-children-photography-elena-shumilova/
She is truly phenomenal... This photograph spoke to my soul as well...
 Run with abandon soul! Go after God's promises!

The wise man builds his house upon the rock

     Wow, two blog posts in one month... that should say one thing... God is working out something serious in my heart.  This season, the past month or so, has been, shall we say, not unlike a roller coaster.  My heart is full and exhausted, my mind is racing and empty, my schedule is booked and unknown.  If these sound a little oxymoronical, tell me about it! We have had some of our best moments in this season, some of our sweetest memories have been made, some of our most God-revealing provisions.  However, we have also had the most unknowns handed to us, the most faith-requiring decisions to make, and the most "doesn't make sense to the world" leaps to take.  I am excited, I am anxious, I am hopeful, I am uncertain... I am tired.  God continues to woo me into His presence with a beckoning of rest.  "Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest".  I am reminded of the praise song that God wooed me with some years ago...
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hands
Lay back against you and breathe
and feel your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming
That picture, that peace, that intimacy with God is what I am desiring.  If I am to be overwhelmed, may I be overwhelmed by the Lord.  He is the only person, thing, situation, worthy of overwhelming me.  So with that foundation laid, let me explain what He is doing in my heart today...
     That old Sunday School song... The wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock and the rain came tumbling down, the rain came down and the floods came up but the house on the rock stood firm. Well, I woke up this morning singing that song. (I am aware that you are probably going to sing this song in your head all day... your welcome!)  God was asking me... where is your house built? Is it on sinking sand or on Christ the solid rock? If it is truly on Christ the solid rock than the wind may come, the rain may fall, the waves may crash, but the house will stand.  It will get wet, it will creak in the wind, it may take a beating, but in the end the house will still stand.  We are not promised not to experience the wind, the rain, the crashing waves.  We are not told to be unaffected by the storm, to stand there completely unfeeling.  We are just told to trust in our foundation... On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.  This is our hope, our assurance, our foundation.  Jesus, only Jesus.