When Oceans Rise

     These past few months God has been doing some major work in my heart.   It's been like Extreme Makeover, Heart of Courtney Edition.  I feel like He came in and took a look around and thought, "that wall is coming down, we are going to open this space up and create a much more inviting atmosphere  in here".  This is not the first time I have felt this massive shift in my heart, but somehow it feels brand new, exciting, life giving!  It all started about three months ago when my husband came to me and said "I'm going to start my own business and I have one month to do it, by the way my boss is firing me as of the end of the month." As you can imagine this didn't go over super smoothly, don't get me wrong I completely believed in Travis, I believed in his abilities and trusted his instincts that this was the best direction to head in, however, I grew up in a home of business owners and know how taxing, uncertain, and unbelievably exhausting this process can be.  So after my meltdown of sorts I went to Travis and confessed my fears, but got behind him 100%.  I knew this was going to be a journey that God was going to use to do more work on me so I was ready to buckle in and get going on this ride.  And then it began, the uncertainty in money, the long hours being gone from home, the "learning the hard way", business ownership stuff.  And that's when God peeled back some of the wall paper I had decorating the walls in my heart and revealed some really ugly things underneath.  You see as much as I want to believe that I "love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength" the reality is this, I was finding my security in a lot of other things, most of all money.  And this was my opportunity to either allow God to keep stripping that pretty wall paper and revealing the ugliness underneath, or to ask Him to kindly stop and leave my beautifully decorated walls alone.  I chose the first, I mean once you know what's under there the best things to do is finish the job right?  So, three months go by, the money is still uncertain, the bills have been paid (some of them late, but they got paid, praise Jesus!) and best of all not only has God been able to strip the wall paper but He has also knocked those walls down and made my heart space so much bigger!  I have learned to trust Him more and more through this process and wouldn't change this season for all the riches in the world.  Let me tell you, it's not pretty, some days I have to stop every few minutes, collect my wandering mind, and pray the God will be my source of security, the only source that is permanent and sustaining.  But He has!  I have seen Him answer prayers in the most peculiar of ways, I have grown a community of women around me that are comfortable with my vulnerability and encourage me to continue being real.  I am incredibly grateful for the heart space that God created that allows more people in, more of Him.  I am still a work in progress, I think this renovation will be an ongoing one, and I am okay with that.  But praise God that those walls will never look the same, I will be forever changed by this process and that is worth all of the mess! This is a song that God has been using over and over in my heart during this process.  The lyrics resonate in my soul and I pray that I never go back! "I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine!" 

Faith like Abraham

     How do you want to be known? What characteristics do you want to mark your life?  Loyal? Loving? Kind? Disciplined? Determined? Patient? Successful?  How about outwardly... thin? Beautiful? Put-together?  None of these things are inherently evil or wrong.  In fact, some of those things I listed are also listed in Galatians as the Fruit of the Spirit.  But is this what I should be striving after?  I was reading a book this morning about seeing Jesus in Genesis and the author was specifically talking about Abraham.  Abraham was a man of tremendous faith.  In fact, when he is spoken of in the New Testament that is what marked his character, this unparalleled faith.  The author points out that Abraham had faith was accredited to him as righteousness.  He believed God.  Not just believed in God.  Not just that God existed, he believed God would fulfill all of His promises.  God promised Abraham that he would inherit land and have offspring that outnumbered the stars.  This childless, one-hundred-year-old man with a barren wife trusted God when He said that his offspring would bless all people, everywhere.  I think it's important to note that Abraham died a physical death before seeing with his eyes the fruition of these promises.
     Abraham believed God when He said the Savior of the world, of all people, would come from his lineage.  Without any knowledge of what this would look like, without the cross in his lifetime to look to as a reference point, Abraham fully trusted God.  Because of this, his faith was credited to him as righteousness.  Not his church attendance, or classes he taught, not his clean house, stacked bank account, trim physique, or number of people who followed him on Twitter.  His reputation, what we know of him today, his righteousness came from him trusting in God.  
     Maybe instead of striving to be more put-together, more visually appealing, more "secure" in worldly standards, I need simply to strive to put my faith in God's promises, the promise of salvation through Jesus.  If my life, my character, my reputation is anchored in Christ alone, then the rest should fall in place right?  Maybe this is Kingdom seeking? Maybe then, dare I say only then, are those other qualities: loving, determined, patient, kind, etc... pointed in the direction that can be effectively used for God's glory.  

God, may my reputation grow to be one that is marked by faith and trust in Your promise of salvation through Jesus.  Create in me the qualities that can come only from walking closely with You and learning to fully trust in You.  

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

    I was recently given the opportunity to go to a Women's Conference at our local church.  I love conferences... I love getting together with women to worship God.  Something about the sound of soprano and alto voices being lifted to the throne gives me goose bumps!  I am so sure that God is smiling when he sees his daughters in one accord singing praises to their Father.  As much as I love a women's event like this I was not totally convinced I was going to receive a "life changing word" from this event.  I was just so sure that I was going to serve others more than to be served myself.  To connect with some of my fellow lady church members and grow together more intimately.  And those things did happen, but they were completely secondary to the message that the Lord, my sweet patient God, had for me.  
     Most of us have heard the passage of Peter walking on water enough times to recite it.  Growing up in a Baptist Church means that you have been exposed to most of the "major" Bible stories by this point in your life.  But yesterday God revealed to me in a completely new way how this story is so relevant in my life right now.  Let me set up our situation so this is better understood... Travis, my husband, and some wonderful a friend, (family really) were given the opportunity to start a remodel, reconstruction, handy-work business at the start of 2014.  This was a situation that we had been praying about for a year or so and really felt as though God was providing this opportunity.  So we took it, and all the risks that come with owning your own business.  The unsure hours, unsure pay, unsure futures... all of it.  Now for the most part this has been a beautiful picture of God empowering these two men and making them stronger leaders in our families.  But on the flip side of that coin it has revealed some ugly places in my heart as a wife and mother of two children who depend on me to feed them.  *note-I do completely recognize that it is my husbands job to provide the money, but I cook the food ;) So here we are, three months in, and God has been providing, He has given everything we needed in the moments we needed it.  But I was still struggling to let go of the fears of instability, though I completely believed in my husbands' abilities, but businesses fail everyday right?  Now back to Peter...
   In the story Jesus was up on a mountain by Himself, praying, spending some alone time with His Father.  He had just fed the 5,000 and probably was in desperate need of some peace and quiet. (as a mother of two children under 3 I can totally relate, some days I wish I had a mountain top to escape to!)  The disciples had gotten in the boat and set sail.  They were relatively far out so what does Jesus do to catch His ride?  Well, He walks on the water of course... just steps right out into the crashing waves and howling wind and starts walking!  When the disciples look out across the water they see this man walking toward them, and they think they are seeing a ghost... which, let's be honest, is just as probable as a man walking on top of the water.  Jesus calls out to them and reveals His identity, at this point Peter, good ole Peter, says "If it's You, Lord let me walk on the water with You."  Now, I can totally relate to Peter.  He usually doesn't think before he speaks,  he says pretty much whatever comes into his mind, and usually ends up with his foot in his mouth.  But he LOVES Jesus.  In fact, Jesus tells Peter in a later story that upon this rock (Peter) He will build his church.  Peter is a man loved by Jesus and completely in love with Him, but he is a bit over-eager at times.  So, after Peter says this Jesus' response was "Come".  I love that, Jesus was like "okay big boy, you wanna try walking on water, step out of that boat".  Now, you have to give Peter some credit here, he is the only disciple that's asking to walk on water, and he actually steps out of the safety of the boat.  What is his reward?  He walks on water!!! Peter steps out onto the uncertainty of the crashing waves and whipping winds and walks on water with His Savior!  He was doing pretty good too, until he started looking at the waves and the wind around him and takes his eyes off of Jesus, then he starts to sink.  However, even in his fear and doubt he calls out to Jesus and says help me Lord! And Jesus immediately reached out His hand and raised him out of the water.  He then looks at Peter and says "oh you of little faith".  And back into the safety and security of the boat they went.  
     This story resonates so deeply in my soul.  First of all, I long to be like Peter when he simply believed in Jesus and stepped out of the boat.  He didn't think about the consequences or the uncertainty of the water, he just stepped out.  Secondly,  I want to fix my eyes upon my Savior, look full in Jesus' loving eyes and be completely focused solely on Him as I walk on the water.  Can you imagine what it must have felt like for those few moments that Peter was successfully walking on top of the water?  What freedom!?  What intimacy with Jesus!?  MAN, I want that!  What if Peter had never taken His eyes off of the Lord and looked at the waves around him?  What if he had stayed focused on Jesus?  How long would they have walked around out there?  Thirdly, I don't want to stay in the safety of my boat, even if I do sink I want to completely trust in Jesus to be there to take my hand and pull me out of the water.  So, I listed out my fears and God's response to those fears in this passage... it looks like 
Fears                                                                                  Answers
Failure- sinking into the water                               Jesus was there and immediately took Peter by the hand

Disapproval- the rest of the disciples in the boat      Not everyone got to experience even one second of                                                                                     water walking

Struggle-the crashing waves and whipping wind      Peter still walked even amidst the storm, and Jesus can                                                                               calm the storm any time He sees fit (see a couple different                                                                               places in the Bible)
     So there you have it.  All of you water walkers who desire not comfort, but closeness with Jesus, this is it! We have to step out of the boat!  We must transfix our eyes on our Savior and refuse to look to the left or the right.  It is a risk, but oh how great the reward! 

I NEED JESUS

    Okay this is going to be real life post... one of those  "not-so-pretty-make-you-a-little-uncomfortable" kind of posts.  So there's your warning, stop reading now if you would like.  
    These past few months have been some of the hardest in my adult life with children.  Lynnlee is three and is a constant handful.  Levi will be one in March and is very curious about the way things work (in other words he takes everything apart).  So as you can imagine my day is full of cleaning up messes and feeding small humans.  Under normal circumstances that would not be a huge ordeal, however add to this that Travis is starting his own reconstruction/remodel business and things have been a bit strained.  I have struggled to juggle my role as mommy with my role as supportive wife and cheerleader with my role as "keep the house running" lady.  Travis has had to work lots of late nights so my days have been void of any "me" moments.  I reached my breaking point yesterday and had a complete come apart, melt down, epic fall to pieces and spew words of anger, bitterness, and frustration moment. (Or few hours, okay let me be for real with you.)  
     Through this episode i have come to some conclusions, first of all the whole motherhood thing is super hard even on good days so we must have grace for one another and ourselves.  Second of all it is important as a woman to have a good ole fashion cry sometimes.  Third of all, every single person on this planet needs to be able to use the bathroom ALONE at least one time a day.  And finally, attempting to do any of these things without Jesus is absolutely, positively, one hundred percent impossible.  
     I love my children.  I love being a Mommy and staying home with them on a daily basis.  I feel like I am a fairly reasonable person.  That being said I have felt like a complete basket case and grumpy monster for the past few weeks.  I could blame it on so many things and a culmination of many things but the reality is that I am running on empty.  I am unable to give my children or my husband anything good in me because there is nothing good in me left. 
     Let me also reveal another misconception I have believed until this season.... having a "quiet time" in the morning before my children need me is wonderful.  Spending some much needed moments with God is necessary for me to start my day off well, BUT if that is the most time I spend consulting with God during the day I am in a for a world of hurt . It is the moment to moment that I need Him most.  It is the instant that I recognize that my child has just demolished packing Styrofoam into tiny balls in the play room and says that it is snowing that I need Jesus not just in memory of what I heard from Him that morning but in what I need that minute to not completely lose my composure on my three-year-old.  (By the way, that stuff is straight from Satan and is impossible to clean up... seriously)  I need Jesus, literally EVERY MOMENT to be a good Mom, wife, friend, person.  I mean maybe some of you are just good people, just generally patient, kind, loving, and peace filled.  I envy you, I wish I was more like that naturally, but the honest to goodness truth is that I am none of those things left on my own.  Just ask my husband or my children.  So there it is, the real truth about my heart.  If you peeked behind closed doors or a hidden camera that is what you would find.  I need Jesus.  I need Him to be good for anything.  I need Him to love people well.  I need Him I need Him I need Him.  

Under your wing

     I was sitting alone in church yesterday morning... now this never happens, I usually sit with Travis (husband) or friends.  But yesterday Travis wasn't feeling well and I slipped in after the choir dismissed so I sat in an empty row.  I really enjoy the solidarity sometimes, it allows my mind to be completely focused on the Word being given, distractions minimized.  And I can tell that this was one of those God moments, you know the ones where the circumstances align just perfectly in His sovereignty?  Our pastor is preaching through the book of Ruth.  This is one of my favorite stories in the Bible and possibly of all time.  I love the attention to detail that God took when orchestrating Ruth's path to Boaz... I digress, anyway that was what he was preaching on.  As many times as I have read this story I had never seen the beauty in a particular passage of scripture.  Boaz is speaking to Ruth in this passage upon first seeing her gleaning in his fields...

Ruth 2:12 "The Lord repay you for what you have done (taking care of Naomi, her mother-in-law) and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge." 

    My pastor took a moment to highlight some other areas of scripture where this imagery is used to display God's protection and provision.  The first time it is used is Deuteronomy 32:10-13 Moses is singing over the people of Israel in the desert soon before he died. In verses 10 & 11 he sings "He found him in a desert land and in the howling waste of wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye. Like an eagle that stirs up its nest, that flutters over its young, spreading out its wings, catching them, bearing them on its pinions." And also, David, in Psalms, refers to this same passage of scripture saying: "Wondrously show your steadfast love, O Savior of those who seek refuge from their adversaries at your right hand.  Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings." (Psalms 17:7-9)  Both of these scriptures paint the picture of God hovering over His children, shielding and protecting them from harm or danger.  As I heard these words, I lost my breath, my eyes flooded with tears, and I was taken over by the love of my God.  Then the pastor spoke these words that overwhelmed my heart all the more... He said "Between the need (financial, emotional, relational) and God's people are God's wings."  And then went on to speak about the foreshadowing of Jesus in this passage as well.  Jesus is our ultimate covering, our wings that cover our sins and make us white as snow.  I am overwhelmed guys.... overwhelmed by a God that loves me this much.  My heart is full of joy with this knowledge!  God loves us, He sent Jesus as our eternal covering, we can hide under the shadow of the blood of Christ and know we are safe.  We are safe. 

Hide me now under Your wings

Cover me within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood

I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul in Christ alone

Know His power in quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father, You are King over the flood 

I will be still and know You are God

Still by Hillsong

You make beautiful things

Sometimes we just need to be reminded that there is still so much beauty in God's creation.  These places make my heart soar with wonder at their Creator! What a beautiful God I serve to make such beautiful places!


I was exposed to this link via www.aholyexperience.com 

/http://www.viralnova.com/here-are-20-unbelievable-places-you-would-swear-arent-real-but-they-are/

The breath of God

How do I love my body… I was recently asked this question by a sweet friend who loves fitness and encourages so many people to live their lives as healthy as possible! At first I was sure I had an answer question that was unique, or a different perspective. I thought to myself… just as anyone else I suppose… anyone else with a limited budget, small children, and sleepless nights.   I try to eat well, or at least I try to remember to eat.  I try to be active, which is fairly easy chasing after two children under three.  I try to give my body rest, in between the cooking, cleaning, nursing, changing, rocking, playing, and did I mention I have an amazing husband I try to reserve some energy for?  I try to drink plenty of water, mostly in my coffee! You know just like all you other Mommas out there. But as I did my quiet time this morning I was reminded of another reason to love my body.  God made it, God crafted it from dust and combined it with His very breath; the breath that crafted the rest of creation was blown into the nostrils of man to give him life.  This same breath, the Holy Spirit, is breathed into our hearts to give us new life on the day of salvation.  I don’t know about anyone else but this is pretty incredible to me.  My body, this imperfect, worn down vessel, houses the breath of God!  I am created in His image… I look like Him.  In my best moments I reflect my Creator.  He created me, therefore He alone gets to name me, and He calls me His beloved.  This is a breathtaking, heart pounding, butterflies in my stomach kind of love.  If I house His breath in my body, than this body is pretty amazing and I will do everything I can to take care of the vessel He crafted to bring Him the glory He deserves! This is the scripture in Genesis that provoked this thought process... 

Genesis 2:7

...then the Lord formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into His nostrils the breath of life. (emphasis added)