The Artist

     Okay, someone please tell me that they have days like this... hard, hard, long days.  You know, the ones where you wake up and within moments you realize this is not going to be a day to write home about.  In fact this might even be a day to write down to remind yourself that things could get worse.  That, my friends, was my day yesterday.  To say that I handled it with grace and patience would be a gross overstatement of the truth.  I can say this, my children survived, I survived, the house survived (barely), and it is a new day.  This has been a really long hard season of cold weather, financial hardship, and sickness in the Tidwell household. So each day that passes and the sun rises I feel a little bit more ragged, but also a little bit more hopeful.  I remember the Bible says that each morning His mercies are new.  I get to restart, I get to recenter my heart and mind and focus on the things that are eternal, the things that matter. 
     I am learning, but I am a really slow learner sometimes.  This morning, however, the Lord reminded me that I am imperfect, I am flawed, I am human... but that He loves me and He isn't done with me yet.  These are the days that are shaping me, making me the woman and creature He sees.  I have heard many times about the statue of David that Michelangelo created.  You know, the famous one.  (Don't worry if you didn't know it was created by Michelangelo, I had to look it up... I'm not just smart like that!) But I do remember the story of someone asking Michelangelo how he creates such beautiful art out of a hunk of rock.  He said something like this... I look at the unshaped stone and chisel away all of the pieces that don't belong.  I look at the stone and see the finished product and just cut away the pieces until it is revealed.  
     Powerful... the Lord brought this to my mind as I was feeling really useless and like an utter failure this morning.  I haven't been patient with my children, my house is in constant disarray and I shouldn't care because all the "good moms" don't care about their house being messy due to their children.  (Side note: I just wonder if these "good moms" have the same tiny tornadoes living under their roofs?)  I have been irritable with my husband.... and the list could go on.  You know, the voice you hear when The Accuser really gets in your ear.  But as I sat in tears this morning, just praying for peace and patience with my family, and trying to figure out why I felt so out of sorts, God reminded me that He is my Creator, my Artist, the Michelangelo of my unshaped soul.  And He sees the finished product, He sees what is underneath all of the rough edges and jagged parts.  And that He is still working on me.  Just as I pray to have grace for others I need to pray for grace for myself.  He is using these times, these seasons of exhaustion and survival, to reveal the creation underneath, like a chisel, chipping away the jagged edges.  (This process is unending and uncomfortable, but totally worth it!) And one day, at the end of this string of time we call life, I will be the perfect creature He sees, but until then I strive to love others, give grace and patience and mercy to them and also to myself... and trust The Artist to do the rest.  

Dangling off the edge (Warning: these photographs just might prick your heart!)

image by Elena Shumilova


The photographer posted above has captured my heart and my soul in photographs.  I am not a connoisseur of photography or anything. I simply recognize what stirs in my heart.  This is one of those photographs that stopped me in my tracks.  I could hear the Holy Spirit in my soul whispering and wooing me.  This is the season of life I am in... my family is in. It is not a "bad" season, it's really beautiful in its own way.  It is a season of standing on the edge of the known and looking out into the waters of the unknown, toes dangling off the edge, trusting that whatever is on the other side of that step is in God's hands.  I look at this photograph and feel the peace of the Lord running through my body, from my fingertips to my tiptoes. I know that I know that the Lord is for me, I know that He will never leave me, I know He knows all, sees all... I know He has a plan.  I also know that does not mean an "easy life", a carefree life, a life I can handle... it means a life He can handle and I simply have to take that next step in faith, just trust Him.  I am grateful for this season of learning unconditional trust in God.  I am learning that the temporal things of this world are not my goal of life, my goal of life is the eternal, and the eternal is not learned or seen from the dock, it is only experienced in the "unknown", the step after your toes are dangling off the edge.  I am ready and willing Lord.  Teach me to know You, to trust You more, for alone are worthy. 

P.S. for more photographs from Elena follow this link...
http://www.boredpanda.com/animal-children-photography-elena-shumilova/
She is truly phenomenal... This photograph spoke to my soul as well...
 Run with abandon soul! Go after God's promises!

The wise man builds his house upon the rock

     Wow, two blog posts in one month... that should say one thing... God is working out something serious in my heart.  This season, the past month or so, has been, shall we say, not unlike a roller coaster.  My heart is full and exhausted, my mind is racing and empty, my schedule is booked and unknown.  If these sound a little oxymoronical, tell me about it! We have had some of our best moments in this season, some of our sweetest memories have been made, some of our most God-revealing provisions.  However, we have also had the most unknowns handed to us, the most faith-requiring decisions to make, and the most "doesn't make sense to the world" leaps to take.  I am excited, I am anxious, I am hopeful, I am uncertain... I am tired.  God continues to woo me into His presence with a beckoning of rest.  "Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest".  I am reminded of the praise song that God wooed me with some years ago...
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hands
Lay back against you and breathe
and feel your heart beat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming
That picture, that peace, that intimacy with God is what I am desiring.  If I am to be overwhelmed, may I be overwhelmed by the Lord.  He is the only person, thing, situation, worthy of overwhelming me.  So with that foundation laid, let me explain what He is doing in my heart today...
     That old Sunday School song... The wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock, the wise man builds his house upon the rock and the rain came tumbling down, the rain came down and the floods came up but the house on the rock stood firm. Well, I woke up this morning singing that song. (I am aware that you are probably going to sing this song in your head all day... your welcome!)  God was asking me... where is your house built? Is it on sinking sand or on Christ the solid rock? If it is truly on Christ the solid rock than the wind may come, the rain may fall, the waves may crash, but the house will stand.  It will get wet, it will creak in the wind, it may take a beating, but in the end the house will still stand.  We are not promised not to experience the wind, the rain, the crashing waves.  We are not told to be unaffected by the storm, to stand there completely unfeeling.  We are just told to trust in our foundation... On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.  This is our hope, our assurance, our foundation.  Jesus, only Jesus.

2013 coming to a close... thoughts for 2014

     I am super ready for 2013 to be OVER... don't get me wrong a whole lot of awesome things have happened in 2013, Levi was born in March, my relationships with my church family have deepened and matured, Lynnlee has potty trained (can I get a hallelujah!) and we have one of the sweetest Christmases I have ever had.  Those are all beautiful things, wonderful things, blessings... but to say this year has been easy would be weaving a way more pretty picture than what is reality.  I am learning, I am growing, and those things never come easily for me.  I tend to learn things the hard way and God is a relentless pursuer (Thank You Lord for that!) and does not let me off the hook until the lesson is learned.  So in saying that I came across this quote this morning... "We must beware of believing that it is okay for us to condemn as long as we are condemning the right things.  It is not so simple as all that.  I can trust Jesus to go into the temple and drive out those who were profiting from religion, beating them with a rope.  I cannot trust myself to do so."- Dallas Willard     Now I would not say that I am a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do strive to love others in a non-judgmental kind of way.  So why does this quote mess with my heart so much?  I am wrestling, I really want to get this, I want to love others the way that Jesus asks of me, the way He loves those around Him.  Unconditionally, without judgment wooing them to Him.  I desire to be that person, you know the type, the kind of person who just being in their presence makes you feel more at peace with yourself.  No measuring up, trying to figure out if you are okay or not.  No wondering what they are thinking of you, your kids, your body, your house, your bank account, your husband... Just feeling the love of the Lord flowing through them.  I am praying that in 2014 my heart will reflect the love of Jesus more clearly, more passionately, more fully.  I will leave the judgment to the Lord, the knower and seer of all things.  My job is simply to love.  That is a 2014 resolution I can stand behind.  

Small Forest Fires

   It has been a while since I have blogged, this is a testament to the craziness that is my life with an (almost) three year old and a seven month old.  Trust me, it is a little bit like crazy town most days!  However, through this crazy season, God has been teaching me.  He has been showing me some pretty ugly places in my heart.  It's amazing how having children can do that for you, they can reveal places that no one else could pull out of you.  They can be so unimaginably joy giving and so completely frustrating all in the first five minutes of the morning.  My LJ is no exception to that rule, in fact I think that rule was written specifically for our relationship. :)  I feel an explosion of love when she looks at me and says "mommy will you snuggle me?" and no greater frustration than when she blatantly disobeys.  And in those moments I have learned two things; one, that God is the most patient Daddy to love me in my disobedience, and two, that I have a long way to go. 
    I am a talker, I have always been a talker, I am learning now that this is not a bad quality to possess however my speech is the most powerful weapon I own, especially in my home.  I have seen the destruction that one moment of irritation and a complete lack of self control can wreak on my home and more importantly the ones I love dearly that live in it.  I have also seen the power that loving speech has on my sweet, words of affirmation thriving, little munchkins. I have wield the power to build up or destroy in each moment of communication with those I interact with.  And those I spend the most time with are my children.  As a stay-at-home-mom I alone speak to my children the majority of their days.  I am the voice they hear each morning as they wake, and the last sound they hear before they close their eyes to sleep.  I have a HUGE responsibility.  They are watching me, they are watching how I do life.  Especially my little lady, I am Jesus to these kids.  But more than that, I am Jesus to each person I encounter.  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ through me.  Therefore, I am Courtney, but my life belongs to Jesus.  I am His representative.  And my words need to reflect that.  I am learning... I am far from having this "under control" but I am learning.  I can either build up those around me by loving them with my words.  (side note: this does not mean never speaking truth in love... but it means JUST that, speaking it IN LOVE, speaking truth is not an excuse to be rude, condescending, or hurtful)  Or I can start small forest fires in every conversation I choose to partake in.  
     Lord teach me to be an encouraging speaker, one that is willing to speak in love or be silent.  Teach me to love with patience and mercy.  Teach me to be Jesus to those around me.  

Either way

     God has been working in my heart with some serious questions lately… questions like “what if I pray and the money doesn’t come?” “What if I pray and that person isn’t healed, what if instead they die?” “What if the worst conceivable thing in mind and heart does in fact come to pass, is God still God?”  I have a lot of friends, and friends of friends, going through heartache.  I am no stranger to this, nor do I believe that I am somehow exempt from experiencing it again.  And I have been praying, fervently praying, for some serious miracles to happen.  But then I hear God in my heart, “What if I choose not to?” Let me tell you, that messes with me.  That messes with my picture of what I think God should do.  But let’s go there for a moment.  
     What if He doesn’t do the things that we think He should, the things we have been on our faces praying for? What if that child never comes to know the Lord? What if that addiction is never healed?  What if we do lose our jobs?  What if, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we find ourselves being thrown into a fiery furnace?  I have the faith that I know my God can save me, I know he can heal, I know he can provide, but what if He simply chooses not to?  When God posed that question in my heart I began to pray, I pray for a willing heart to respond as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego responded to the furnace in Daniel 3:17-18 “Our God, whom we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.” 
     But if not, in other words either way, I will serve my God.  Either way I will follow Him, I will follow Yahweh.  Even if it means through the fire and pits, even if I stand alone, even if I cry out in agony and fear, I will serve my God.

 Lord God, solidify this deep in my heart so that when the storms of this world come, when the situation looks bleak, I will trust in You alone.  Make this my hearts cry in the moments of pain and affliction, in moments of impossibility; give me this faith to follow You! Either way Lord, either way! 

Healing

Healing... that word brings up so many thoughts and emotions.  Sometimes healing is a passive process, one that involves waiting and allowing time to do its thing.  Sometimes, more often in my life anyway, healing is an active process, one that involves a little pain, a lot of work, and a whole lot of freedom.  Recently I was approached by a woman in need of some healing, but in order for that healing to occur she needed me to make a decision, one that made me a little uncomfortable (okay a lot uncomfortable).  I wasn't sure I felt as though I could give her that opportunity. However after a lot of prayer and seeking wise council I decided I would allow her the platform.  And oh how sweet that healing was for her and for me.  So why was I so uncomfortable with it in the first place?  Well you see sometimes time heals things before we take them to God, but they heal back wrong.  Like a broken bone that isn't set correctly and begins to heal, in order for the bone to heal and be the most functional it may have to be re-broken and reset.  Now I have never broken a bone but I have heard that this process is excruciating. The bone has hardened due to the damage, it tries on its own to assure that the bone won't get broken again.  I believe that this process is also true of the heart.  Once it is broken it must be taken to the Heavenly Physician to mend properly.  However, sometimes I desire to just allow time to do it's thing, sweep it under the rug and not deal with it.  It will heal on it's own right? Well then I will just deal with the damage until then.  Oh how wrong I have been, on down the road I realize that my heart may have begun to heal improperly, it has damaged my view of people and situations and skewed my God vision on life.  That is when healing takes a hard turn, I have to take my heart to the Father and allow Him to open up the wound that is healing incorrectly and reset it.  This process is extremely painful at times.  But here is the good news,  once it's reset, once the break is given the proper positioning, healing comes with great joy and freedom.  Full range of motion is returned and my damaged heart is given the chance to heal with God doing the mending.  I have experienced first hand the freeing power of the cross and forgiveness in my life and there is nothing sweeter in this world than a heart that is healing by the blood of Christ.  However uncomfortable, however terrifying, however difficult, healing is worth it!