Healing

Healing... that word brings up so many thoughts and emotions.  Sometimes healing is a passive process, one that involves waiting and allowing time to do its thing.  Sometimes, more often in my life anyway, healing is an active process, one that involves a little pain, a lot of work, and a whole lot of freedom.  Recently I was approached by a woman in need of some healing, but in order for that healing to occur she needed me to make a decision, one that made me a little uncomfortable (okay a lot uncomfortable).  I wasn't sure I felt as though I could give her that opportunity. However after a lot of prayer and seeking wise council I decided I would allow her the platform.  And oh how sweet that healing was for her and for me.  So why was I so uncomfortable with it in the first place?  Well you see sometimes time heals things before we take them to God, but they heal back wrong.  Like a broken bone that isn't set correctly and begins to heal, in order for the bone to heal and be the most functional it may have to be re-broken and reset.  Now I have never broken a bone but I have heard that this process is excruciating. The bone has hardened due to the damage, it tries on its own to assure that the bone won't get broken again.  I believe that this process is also true of the heart.  Once it is broken it must be taken to the Heavenly Physician to mend properly.  However, sometimes I desire to just allow time to do it's thing, sweep it under the rug and not deal with it.  It will heal on it's own right? Well then I will just deal with the damage until then.  Oh how wrong I have been, on down the road I realize that my heart may have begun to heal improperly, it has damaged my view of people and situations and skewed my God vision on life.  That is when healing takes a hard turn, I have to take my heart to the Father and allow Him to open up the wound that is healing incorrectly and reset it.  This process is extremely painful at times.  But here is the good news,  once it's reset, once the break is given the proper positioning, healing comes with great joy and freedom.  Full range of motion is returned and my damaged heart is given the chance to heal with God doing the mending.  I have experienced first hand the freeing power of the cross and forgiveness in my life and there is nothing sweeter in this world than a heart that is healing by the blood of Christ.  However uncomfortable, however terrifying, however difficult, healing is worth it! 

The battle of surrender

Surrender, not exactly a word that is popular in our culture today. It's right up there with submission and obedience, words that bring more frustration than excitement.  However, during my time with God today I was challenged in my thinking of this word, surrender.  I truly believe it is not a word to be dreaded, but quite possibly the key to joy and peace in this world.  Allow me to explain... surrender, according to Webster's Dictionary is to give oneself over to another power.  That still doesn't sound too appealing, unless the other power that you are giving yourself to is the Lord.  God challenged me today as I was reading on the subject of surrender that I don't really understand the meaning of surrender according to His definition.  Surrender is not defeat, in fact it is the only way to have victory.  Surrender isn't being weak, it is recognizing that God is infinitely stronger.  It is not passive laziness or resignation, it's not for cowards or doormats, it doesn't mean we are less ourselves.  When I truly surrender, God can then make me more like the "myself" I was intended to be when He created me.  C.S. Lewis said "It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a personality of my own."  I cannot tell you how this resonates in my soul.  I have long said that as I am growing in my relationship with Christ that I am learning who I am.  I am learning how to be the individual me.  If I am not surrendering to Christ I will surrender to someone or something else, be it a person (husband, mother, friends, or someone else's opinion of who I should be), or an object like money, reputation, or the illusion of prestige or power.  I will surrender to something, God is wooing me to allow it to be Him!  When I surrender to His will and His desires I am then given something far better in return, something only He can truly give, something that is desired in the hearts of all humans, freedom!  Freedom, true freedom, is only found in surrender to God.  Sounds like an oxymoron but God's Word says it's true! The Bible talks about freedom from sin when we surrender to God, it talks about peace that passes understanding when we give our will over to God's will. Victory comes through surrender! 
The only issue is that surrender is not easy.  My stubbornness, pride, and arrogance all get in the way of true surrender.  I think that I can do it on my own, all by myself.  Like a foolish child I fight with all of my energy and strength to accomplish what I simply cannot do.  Only when I see myself clearly and see God in all His strength and perfection can I see the need for surrender.  Trusting God is difficult if I do not know His character, surrender requires that I trust Him completely.  I must trust that His will truly is best for my life,  that He loves me with an unending perfect love,  that He will keep all of His promises to me, when I trust those things about God surrender becomes not a sacrifice but a privilege.  Lord I pray that you continue to teach me through Your Word, who You are.  Your character.  Continue to reveal Yourself to me that I will trust you more and more.  I long to fully surrender, I long for true victory.  

All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him 
In His presence daily live
I surrender All
I surrender All
All to Thee my blessed Savior 
I surrender All

God of my heart

     It certainly has been a while since I have written.  This is not for any specific reason, lots of life changes, seasons of learning, and lack of prompting is to blame I suppose.  However, this morning as I did my Bible study a truth hit me like a sack of potatoes straight to my forehead... a truth that many of you may already have understood, a truth that I thought I knew.  But as I read the scripture prompted to me by the study it felt like a new revelation, oh how I love it when God's Word comes to life and pricks my heart!  The scripture that I was reading was in Ezekiel, though the concept is written about in several areas.  Before I tell you the passage let me explain why this is so significant, for the past few months I have been delving into a Bible Study with a group of women from my Sunday School class at church.  The study is entitled "No Other God's", it deals with idols, functional gods that we place in our hearts and lives that take the place of the only One and True God.  At first I had a hard time identifying what idols that God was trying to reveal to me through this study.  As the weeks have passed it has become increasingly clear that approval is the idol that drowns out the importance of God in my life.  Nothing will derail me faster than someone disapproving of me and my heart, this can be either blatantly or passively by simply ignoring my existence.  If you have read my blog for any amount of time you probably already know this about me.  This is not a new or novel concept that God has been dealing with in my heart.  However, for some time now I had decided that in order to fix this issue myself I would simply control how many people were close enough in my life to be able to hurt me in this way.  Sounds simple enough, logical even.  The issue is this was not a permanent fix to this problem.  It was a temporary solution to the idol of approval in my heart.  The idol was still there, I was just going to avoid it.  Onto the passage that spoke most directly to me, it was Ezekiel 36:25-26.  God's Word says: ²⁵ I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. ²⁶ And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you.And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.   
Did you catch that?  He gives us the solution to getting rid of the idols in our hearts, PERMANENTLY! The answer is Jesus.  The answer is allowing God to replace my heart of stone with a heart of flesh.  Kelly Minter, the author of "No Other Gods" summed up my feelings on this subject perfectly: "The bottom line is this: we don't have the power in ourselves to dismantle the idols of our hearts.  Only by the power and grace of God can such a thing be accomplished."  There you have it.  God gently and tenderly taking hold of my body and saying "Stop striving so hard to do things that you cannot do my child.  Let me, let me help you."  I don't know about you but that is like a deep breath after running a marathon.  Lord, help me to give you my heart for a transplant.  Make room for You to be the One and Only God in my heart.  

Beauty....

Do you think I'm beautiful?  As a woman, I must have asked this question a million times in my 25 years of life.  Sometimes out loud, when I'm feeling really vulnerable and in need of validation, sometimes silently in my heart.  Either way the sentiment was the same, someone tell me I'm valuable, that I'm worthy, that I'm seen.  In 2007 I was in a frenzy with this question crippling my heart.  I picked up a Bible study that was addressing this issue, and for the first time in my life I took this question to God.  My prayer was this "God do you really think I'm beautiful? With all my baggage and ugliness? When you look at me do you see someone really desirable? Can you really be in love with me? Am I worth it?"  That prayer was dated December 30, 2007.  Maybe you can relate... maybe you have prayed a similar prayer, or wanted to but didn't feel like it was appropriate.  Maybe, on the other hand, you have always been told you were beautiful, but nothing more and beauty doesn't seem appealing to you.  Either way God's reply to my prayer has been resounding since that night in 2007, "That desire to feel beautiful I placed in your heart has served it's purpose. I am wildly in love with you. I am the answer to your longing, the 'more' your heart is waiting for is Me."

I had spent most of my life looking for someone who made me feel beautiful, smart, funny, and worthy of love.  I may find it for moments of time, only to be disappointed when no one could consistently come through for me.  The idea that God could think I'm beautiful seemed too good to be true.  The thought, frankly, made me uncomfortable.  It seemed arrogant or presumptuous, either way it seemed wrong.  But through the past five years God has revealed more and more scripture that speaks of His love for me, His thoughts toward me.  Psalm 45:11- The king is enthralled with your beauty.  Zephaniah 3:17- The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you with his love, he will exult over  you with loud singing.  Luke 8: 47-  Then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet.  

Maybe this whole idea sounds too good to be true to you as well.  Maybe it makes you a little uncomfortable.  Maybe you used to feel beautiful, but age and society has changed your perspective on yourself.  Maybe it's circumstances and sin in your life that makes you feel as though you could never be considered beautiful by God.  I would challenge you to take your hearts desire to the Lord and let Him speak over you, let Him reveal the truth about who you are.  Let Him love you with His perfect and unconditional love and grace.  It's been a wonderful five year journey of God loving me to Him.  I look forward to the rest of this journey to come.  

Big news!!!!!!

We are growing!!!!! (and we couldn't be more excited... or nauseous!) :) 

The discipline of wise speech

     Anyone who knows me (or spends more than 5 seconds around me) knows that I like to talk.  I was born with the gift of gab.  My mom and grandmother often tell stories of me at a very early age being able to hold full adult conversations.  I love to sit for hours on end with a good cup of coffee and a girl friend of a like mind and talk the day away.  Lynnlee is picking up on this little characteristic as well.  That little munchkin can hold her own in a conversation (now granted you can't understand 90% of it).  
     I say all of that to say that when God is not at the center of my heart and I am not focusing on His glorification I can get WAY off track with my speech.  The past few weeks in church my pastor has been speaking on wisdom and the importance that speech plays in attaining, maintaining, and teaching wisdom.  Needless to say I have been dealing with some serious convictions.  But as I was praying and reading scriptures this week God has been so gracious and loving to me on this topic.  First, He reminded me that He created me just the way I am, loud voice and large vocabulary included.  Second, He reminded me of the passion He placed inside of me for the hearts of other women and encouraging their walk with Jesus.  And third, He reminded me that He doesn't convict me and then leave me in my conviction, hoping that I figure it out.  He gives me grace and wisdom if I seek Him.  
     So this week has been sort of like the first week back in the gym after a long hiatus.  It's been a little awkward, frustrating, and exhausting.  But also encouraging... God has been so good to place conversation and opportunity in my path this week that has been uplifting.  He has prompted me to be silent or to speak with grace and mercy.  He has given Travis and I opportunity to have those intimate conversations so that I can use my words to encourage and lift him up. (If you haven't tried this with your husbands, I'm telling you from experience, a little encouragement and praise goes a LONG LONG way!)  Proverbs 10:11 speaks of this kind of speech like this: "The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life..." Lord may my speech be like a fountain of life... refreshing those I come in contact with and encouraging and uplifting others with my words.  

Discipline and Self Control

Okay for real don't stop reading at the title... these are not popular topics to think/talk/write about.  But this is what God is teaching me right now, I know fun right? The problem with discipline and self control is that it is so darn hard!  I mean how easy is it to keep your mouth shut when you have nothing good to say, wake up when the alarm goes off to have time with the Lord when you would rather see the inside of your eye lids, maintain your patience with your (my) 18 month old when she (for the third time) loses your keys.  These are all simple things that point to one truth about me, I have no self control and discipline.  But I am learning.  I have learned that I cannot muster up the ability to have self control all on my own.  The good news is that God doesn't just leave us there doomed to failure in our self control and discipline.  Because whatever God commands, He also gives us the grace to obey.  That is great news for me! I mean how many times have I tried to do this on my own only to end up discouraged and feeling like a failure.  The answer is that I need to turn to God for the guidance and the grace required to obey this command.  And it's not for me to say that I am "holy" or something along those lines.  I am modeling for my 18 month old munchkin, how to be a woman of God.  How can I look at her in her fits of rage and say "Lynnlee Jade, you need to use your self control and not hit Mommy because you are angry." Unless I can also listen to the Holy Spirit tell me "Courtney, you need to close your mouth about that person no matter how badly you have been hurt" or "Courtney, you need to get your butt out of bed and have some time with the Lord before your little personal tornado wakes up."  God, please grant me to grace to obey Your command to self control and discipline.  Free me from my selfishness and pride and allow me to see and hear your voice leading me in the way of righteousness.