Heritage-blessing or burden

I am always up for a good read.  I love to read, and I will pretty much read any genre, however my favorite by far is christian living.  I recently began reading through Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Maheney with a group of women from my church.  This weeks chapter was on children... being a "new" mother (I'm not really sure when I don't qualify as "new" anymore, I still feel like a new mother so I guess I will continue to call myself one until I feel differently, that may never happen... anyway...) I am always looking for Godly advice on child rearing and loving my child.  This chapter is hands down the best compilation of advice and biblical council on this topic I feel I have come across.  Carolyn makes the point first and foremost that children are a heritage, a blessing from the Lord.  Not a financial burden, not a responsibility, not a burden to carry around for the rest of your life like a baggage set.  Children are a gift from God.  I know that sounds so simple, so elementary.  But whenever I read this I was sitting in the middle of my living room surrounded by books, blocks, stuffed animals, dirty diapers, and a sticky child that was insisting on putting her fingers all over my new Kindle.  I was feeling a little less blessed and a little more burdened.  God convicted me right on the spot and I looked at my sweet little Lynnlee, my filthy, sassy, mouthy, joy-filled, energy exuding baby girl and her sticky hands and face and saw it.  I saw the blessing, I saw the joy of motherhood in her eyes.  The chapter went on to say that we can get so lost in the serving part of motherhood that we lose the opportunity to enjoy them, to really delight in our children.  The Bible commands us as mother's to love our children.  The word for love that is chosen to describe this emotion is phileo, this kind of love means to delight in, to feel joy.  This is the blessing of motherhood, that we have the opportunity to love them with a phileo kind of love, to delight in them.  This doesn't mean that we give in to their every whim and desire, that is not loving them that is indulging them.  That doesn't mean we don't discipline them, that is not loving them that is neglecting them.  It means we do all the things we do for our children because we delight in them.  In every single thing I do for Lynnlee I should ask myself the question "How will this affect her soul?"  That is our ultimate responsibility, to love them so well that they are drawn to the Lord.  If I truly do this each and every day, take this responsibility to love her with a phileo kind of love, to reprove and correct her in a way that leads her to Jesus, motherhood takes on a whole new meaning.  "There is nothing easy about good mothering. It can be back breaking, heart wrenching, and anxiety producing. And that's just the morning."  But with that great responsibility comes an even greater grace from God! Thank you Lord for the blessing of this child! 

Heavy

Have you ever had one of those days that you knew from the moment you woke up that it wasn’t going to be an easy one?  Like your dreams were prepping you for a long haul?  This is one of those days… I can’t put my finger on the root of the problem either… my heart just feels… heavy?  I guess that’s the word I will use.  My heart feels heavy.  The weather is beautiful, warm, (read hot and humid really I mean we are talking about Tennessee summers) sunny, and for some reason that makes it worse, like the weather is mocking me and my heavy heart.  Days like today, when I feel gloomy and down, I just wish it would be rainy and agree with my countenance.  I’m not really even sure why I’m writing today, I don’t really have an encouraging word or a lesson that I feel like God is trying to teach me.  I just felt like typing away and allowing my mind and heart to flow freely.  I know that God is present with me, I know He knows my heart better than I do, He knows the root of my heaviness.  This is just one of those moments where it’s like my soul recognizes that it is living in a world that it doesn’t really belong in.  I can feel it yearning for more, more intimacy with God, more healing in my broken places.  I keep repeating the verse in Zephaniah that says that God will quiet me with His love and rejoice over me with singing.  I believe that song today is one that sounds more like a lullaby, a little mournful, full of longing.  I know I won’t stay in this place long, I know that the fullness and joy of the Lord will pull me out of this temporary sadness and frustration.  I know the Lord will take my heavy heart and give me rest.  I know that it is well with my soul even now.  This is where I am in this moment on this day. 

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul.  

Freedom? Really?

Captivity is a complex and interesting thing. I have written about my struggle with insecurity and with my desire for approval from pretty much anyone with breath in their lungs.  I have experienced some freedom from this, but as I find myself in a new transitional season I see those same familiar flickers of insecurity rising up once again.  My heart is so tired of going around and around the same issues, the same battles, yet here I am again, circling my cage and chains that once held me captive thinking "Maybe that wasn't so bad, I mean I at least knew what to expect".  And there it is... the ugly truth, I have known bondage and captivity for so long it is more comfortable to me than freedom!  Don't worry I do know how screwed up that is! I picked up the Breaking Free Bible study by Beth Moore (for the 3rd time) and began again.  God is so faithful and tender toward his children.  He chastises us,  he reproves, he corrects, but then... oh He is sweeter than honey and loves me so fiercely! Isaiah 61:1-4 was where He lead me this morning once again...  it says that Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to comfort those who mourn, to trade us beauty for our ashes.  That is scandalously beautiful to me! That is love like the world has never known! As I envision  myself circling the cage of my insecurities and the chains of man's approval I hear Jesus calling out "That is NOT where you belong, that is not your safe place, come to me when you are weary and I will give you rest. Take my yoke and learn from me about freedom, for I am gentle and humble in me you will find rest.  My yoke is easy and burden is light." And there is the truth in the midst of the lies Satan would have me believe.  I am uneasy wandering around free from my bondage because I need to bind myself to Jesus!  He is calling me to leave behind the chains and cages of worldly slavery and bind my wandering heart to HIM!  His yoke is easy... those words are like an earthquake to my soul shaking my core to awakening.  This is freedom... Lord thank you for freedom from bondage and a safe place to run.  Take me far from this place and bind my heart to Christ and his sacrifice.  Help me to recognize the beauty of this freedom, the captivating and devastating freedom found only in Him.  

When God sounds a lot like Bob Marley

The past few weeks have been full of a whole lot of down time.  Lynnlee contracted hand, foot, mouth disease and a severe diaper rash so we have pretty much been quarantined to the house.  Because of this forced slow down (see previous post for the irony, oh God you are quite the comic!) I have been able to spend some pretty serious time with the Lord.  No distractions, no time limits, just lots and LOTS of quiet time.  Just me and God.  Alone with my thoughts and my wandering heart.  AGAIN I found myself feeling lonely, distant, and frustrated about these emotions and their origins.  This time I decided to take my heart to God, in the absolute quietness.  I asked Him what I was supposed to do with these emotions. (I know scripture tells us to lead our hearts, but where do I lead it?!)  It was then that I began to feel a small stirring in my heart, a whisper, "I delight in you."  Okay God, I hear you, I know you love me, you made me and my emotions.  But what do I do right now? How do I feel better?  Where is this loneliness coming from?  Again I heard the small whisper "I delight in you."  So I started looking in the Bible where that phrase appeared, I found several, like lots and lots, so I dug in and began to read them in the order they appeared in scripture.  Suddenly I came across one that lit my heart up like New Years in New York City... Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is in your midst, He is mighty to save, He will take great delight in your,  He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."  Seriously!!! Read that again! God was telling me He was singing to me?!? Be still my beating heart!! What a romantic notion! The creator of the universe, of music, of lyric, wants to "quiet me with His love" and sing to me! I bet God's voice is silky smooth like the old crooners.  I'm pretty sure Frank Sinatra ain't God nothing on the Lord!  What would He sing to me?  Would it be an old hymn or some Psalm in scripture? How would I know, I wanted to hear it! What lyrics and melody would He choose, would it be slow or fast?  
This morning I woke up with a song in my head that I can only say is unexpected and inexplicable... "Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright."  Really God??? Bob Marley?? The more I sang the more my heart began to soar, a weight lifted from my shoulders. My God, the lover and author of my soul knows me better than anyone else... He knows my worries, my heart, my fears, my insecurities, my weaknesses,  He was telling me that He still has it.  It's all under His control.  And He loves me enough to whisper it in a love song.  Oh what a God!!

After the celebration

It seems like it has been a while since I have written last.  So much has happened since then… I did in fact graduate from Grad School.  Travis and I celebrated our 5^th anniversary.  And somewhere in the midst of the celebrating my heart began to grow cold, distant, fearful.   I made a promise to my sister whenever I was debating starting this blog, the promise was that I would always be honest about what I was writing.  I would not censor myself for the sake of an audience.  I would not “pretend” things were okay when they weren’t.  Because of that promise I have often taken breaks from blogging while I was in the midst of some trials or hard times.  This time, however, I feel God prompting me to share my heart.  This is the first time in my entire life that the path for my future was not clearly laid out before me.  For the first time the “lull” in my schedule is not temporary, but rather indefinite.  I love that, really I do, my heart sighs of relief every time Sunday rolls around and I realize, wait, I have nothing pressing to do to be ready for this week!  However, I have also realized that my heart is not disciplined enough for this much free time.  My emotions begin to run amok and my mind becomes a playground for my emotions to run around like a small child.  So this is me being honest, this is my true state of being.  My natural inclination is to run to the next thing I can volunteer with in order to fill my free time.  And maybe, in the end, that is what God will ask me to do.  But for now I feel like I need to resist the urge to bury my heart in busyness and figure out where in my heart lies the inability to function in free time.  I am praying that as I continue this journey of motherhood and wifedom that I will learn how to be consistent in the stillness.  That I would not need to be so busy running from one thing to the next to function fully.  God please forgive me, my flesh is still so weak.  Forgive my emotional wanderings; forgive my lack of motivation and conviction to run to You.  Let Your grace Lord like a fetter bind my wandering heart to Thee, Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love, here’s my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.                                      

When the seas are calm...

The past couple months have been full of good things… blessings from the Lord.  Travis’ new job is going really well, he loves what he is doing and he is doing it so well!  I am ALMOST done with my Master’s degree (graduation is May 12^th; I can see the finish line!)  Our 5 year wedding anniversary is at the end of this month (we have been together for almost nine years, if you don’t know our story).  We are really digging in and serving at our church and getting to know our church family more and more.  Things are going pretty smoothly at the moment.  My tendency, my natural urge, is to worry about what is coming in the future.  I find myself thinking “what is the next storm going to look like, what will it consist of, what will it mean for me?” I am such a “worrier” and have serious control issues.  Throughout the years I have been more comfortable in the midst of a storm than sailing the smooth seas.  At least when I’m in the storm it’s not in the category of “the unknown”.  This is crazy I know, I mean who in their right mind would say such a thing?  God really spoke to me during my prayer time this morning and reminded me of a scripture in Proverbs, a scripture I should be completely familiar with considering I have just done not one but two studies on the subject matter.  (I am a slow learner and usually have to learn things the hard way, not a characteristic I am particularly proud of)  The verse is Proverbs 31:25; “She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come”.  This verse doesn’t say “there will be nothing bad in the days to come”, it doesn’t give us the illusion that the days to come are going to be easy and storm free.  Instead, what this verse says is that because of the God-given strength and dignity of this woman she is able to look at calamity in the face and LAUGH?!  God reminded me that He is the author and creator of my soul, He is the writer of my story, and He alone knows what is impending in the future.  All He asks of me is that I trust in Him; love Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.  When I am doing this well I truly can “laugh at the days to come”, if my God is for me who or what could be against me?  So this is what I am learning:  I am learning to be content in the times of blessing and calm, I am learning to “be still and know that He is God”, I am learning to sail the seas in the moment of calm preparing for the next storm by trusting in the Captain (I mean that only makes sense considering He created the seas), I am learning that my strength and dignity comes not from myself but from God, I am learning to “laugh at the days to come”. 

What's in a name?

     “What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Man do I love Shakespeare, the drama, the language, ahhh the romance.  Yes, I am a hopeless romantic in some ways; I love a good love story, one with twists and turns, ups and downs.  But I think maybe Shakespeare missed the mark on this quote.  I think that what we call something, or someone, is of great importance.  I mean think about it, we love to hear our names called out.  We love to write it down in different ways.  We would hear it in a crowd full of conversation.  We identify ourselves by our names, by what people call us.  This thought took me down a wonderful path of healing several years ago when someone proposed this question to me “What does God call you?”  I had never thought of this.  I had never questioned who God said I was.  Now this was very important for me during this season in my life as I was struggling through figuring out who I was, what I was going to do with my life, and where my worth laid.  If you recall in scripture God often changed the names of people at a significant point in their journey with Him.  Abram became Abraham, Saul became Paul.  This is important; this is how they knew who they were in God’s plan.  So I began to pray “God, who do YOU say that I am?” I prayed for months, I cried out to Him for an answer. 

     At this point in my life I was broken, my heart was hurting, I felt useless and worthless.  I had just graduated from Union University, a private faith-based college in West Tennessee.  I was so proud of myself for my accomplishment; however I had no idea who I was anymore.  I had ALWAYS been a student; I had always been a “good” student.  I knew what my worth was; it was attached to my transcript.  Suddenly I was… what?  This is where I met God, in the floor of my living room (think criss-cross-applesauce style) with my Bible open and my eyes flooded with tears.  I was begging Him to tell me who I was.

     I was sitting quietly staring at my feet (I have a tattoo of “beloved” in Hebrew on my left foot).  God began to stir in my heart “You are MY beloved”.  I was completely uncomfortable with this thought.  Beloved??? Really??? That sounded so intimate, so romantic?!  Is that really how God felt about me?  I had always thought of God as “Father”, a concept I was comfortable with considering the absence of mine in my childhood.  This is when I realized it was equally as important for me to know what I called God, what was His name in my relationship with Him.  He was calling me His beloved, He was beckoning me into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him, one that is beyond child and father, one that is deeper than friend.  So that is where my love affair with God began.  In the floor of my living room, with my heart poured out before Him, God began a slow dance with me.  He took the lead and began twirling me around the dance floor telling me of His love for me.  I had never felt so known, so understood!  God’s desire for all of us is this intimacy, this closeness.  He is not only a father, judge, mentor, friend, He is all of those things, but He is also the LOVER OF YOUR SOUL.  I pray that you would have the opportunity to learn who God says you are, that you would experience this love and intimacy when God calls you by your name.