Jesus, beyond religion

     I just finished reading a book by John Eldridge called “Beautiful Outlaw”.  Now I read quite a bit, I like both fiction and non-fiction.  I enjoy a good tear jerker, as well as a “search your soul and apply” kind of read.  But I can honestly say, in my twenty-five years of breathing and learning on this earth, that I have never read a book like this one.  John takes a completely counter-cultural (at least in the Christian culture) look at Jesus and describes him ever so bluntly.  I was in love at first chapter.  This Jesus that I have served for the majority of my life, but somehow always felt a distance from, was being brought to me in a full access, as close as my skin, kind of way.  Let me tell you what I have learned… I have learned that Jesus was not a dry, boring, mystical speaking, miracle performing, above humanity type of man.  As a matter of fact he was the exact opposite! The distance we have put between us and Jesus, the “honor and respect but don’t rock the boat too much” type of religion that so many of us have believed, however unknowingly, is completely contrary to the Jesus we would have experience in a face-to-face, flesh and bone encounter 2,000 years ago.  Jesus was FULL of personality, full of wit, sarcasm, love, compassion, and in-your-face defiance of religion.  Jesus was the fulfillment of relationship.  This makes complete sense when you think about the reason Jesus was born.  He chose to become a man, to walk with us, to love us intimately.  Not from a distance, not in a way that we could not relate to.  He chose to literally BE one of us.  He had to learn to crawl, walk, talk, eat with a spoon, lace up his sandals, and share with others, just like us.  He got dirty, sweaty, and yes even smelly, just as we do on a hot summer day.  He felt betrayal, abandonment, anger (though he did not sin), joy, and love.  He laughed, he cried, he danced, he walked for miles on end.  This is the real Jesus, this man who hung out with the boys (the men we like to call his disciples, like that makes them holy and therefore worthy of friendship with Jesus) he fished with them, ate with them, had inside jokes, and loved them dearly.  This is the kind of relationship he wants with us.  You, yes you, in all of your imperfections, flaws, busyness, fears, failures, and messiness.  (Note: I am speaking of myself there!)  Jesus wants YOU, he wants ME.  He wants to be not just part of my life, HE IS MY LIFE.  I get to live my life through him, in him, by him.  Without him living my life I can only be “good” for so long, I can only be so patient with my child and husband, I can only be so kind to the grumpy cashier, I can only be so content in my circumstances and then I fall apart.  With Jesus, this kind, noble, fun-loving, patient, yet powerful, passionate, and driven man I can be all of these things.  I do not want to forget this, I do not want to read this book and move on, I want to hold onto it like the precious treasure it is.  I want to know, really know, Jesus, love him for who he really is.  Hold tight to the truth of his personality and not go back to religion.  What I long for is authenticity in my relationship with him, to let him be himself with me, so that way I can be the best version of myself in this life. 

http://updates.ransomedheart.com/beautifuloutlawmain/

Being Still

My heart is heavy.  My body is weary.  My mind is exhausted.  I am, simply put, empty.  I am sitting in my living room on my couch, my house is dark because my family is sleeping.  However, no matter what I do I just lie there staring at the ceiling with an ache in my heart.  A loneliness that no one can fill.  As I was lying there silently crying I was praying.  To be honest I don't even know why my heart is so heavy, why I feel so lonely tonight.  Do you ever feel like that sometimes? Like you could be in a room full of people and no one gets you?  That's how I am feeling tonight.  That's what is keeping me awake when my body longs to be sleeping.  So on my couch I began praying and crying out to God... "what is wrong with me here? Why am I feeling this way?"  God ever so sweetly reminded me of His Word in Matthew 6:33 "Are you seeking ME first?"  Therein lies my answer.  I have been so busy trying to keep all my plates spinning and not let them come crashing down around me that I forgot the most basic of principles of walking with the Lord... I must seek HIM first, seek HIS righteousness, then He will direct my path.  There is something so freeing about trusting in God.  Trusting Him with ALL the details of my hearts desires, of my dreams, of my fears.  I stopped myself (mid sob) and spoke out loud... "Okay God, I really really can't do this."  God also reminded me that He knows my limits, He knows my needs better than I know them, and even more than that... He wants to fulfill my needs! I can stop trying to swim upstream fighting the current.  I can grab the life preserver and rest my weary body, soul, and mind.  I think about the feeling I used to get as a kid, you know the feeling when you have been in the pool swimming your heart out for what feels like forever, then suddenly you find a pool float and grab on.  That first moment when you realize you can stop kicking your feet and treading water, you can rest.  This what I am feeling tonight, rest.  This song just came to mind and I think it speaks directly to the intimacy of resting in the Lord...

I wanna sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hands

Lay back against You and breathe

And feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace, it's overwhelming. 

Thank You Father for rest and peace in a world of chaos and loneliness.  Thank You for knowing me so intimately that You long to fulfill my needs even before I can acknowledge them.  Tonight I choose to seek You first, I receive Your rest, I will be still. 

Lessons learned

Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I have written.  That is not for the most obvious reason as it may seem, that I have nothing to say, in fact it is the exact opposite, I have too much to say and I cannot seem to organize my thoughts into a coherent form.  So consider that your disclaimer, this entry could be all over the place!  These past few months God has been doing some serious work in my life! Some of the lessons have been incredibly hard (with some amazing applications!) and some have been such sweet and tender moments that I feel as though I could burst into tears as I type this! (Just for your information I actually do have tears in my eyes!) God is so good, He is so completely fulfilling and satisfying, His kindness, gentleness, and love fills me so completely that I feel as though I am bursting at the seams! Some months ago Travis and I began praying about what we needed to do to make our finances work, his hours had just been cut back at work (at a job that he really felt no sense of pride or loyalty in), I am about to graduate from my Master’s program and student loans are going to be rolling in, and we really feel as though we would like to try for another baby sometime this year. I began praying that God would do a work in my heart about the anxiety and fear I was feeling about our financial future.  For those of you who know me well know that I am a rather controlling person.  I have, on more than one occasion, been known to take the wheel even when God was in the driver’s seat.  However, in this circumstance, no matter how many times I ran the numbers, no matter how much I tried to cut corners and budget, the numbers were not in our favor.  This is when God stepped in and ever so gently lifted my head and wiped my weary and tear filled eyes and asked me a question, “Don’t you think I’m bigger than your financial difficulties?” WOW, that is all I can say to that, how small must I really believe that God is to think that He cannot handle my finances? Friends, my perspective on the Lord really needed an overhaul.  And an overhaul I have received.  I began praying that God would remind me in all circumstances to TRUST HIM.  This is so much easier said than done, every single situation in my life began spiraling out of my control, some for the worse and others for the better, but either way I could not control them.  This normally would have put me in a tailspin and I would have immediately slammed on the brakes to figure things out for myself.  But God continued asking me “Don’t you think I am bigger than…”  Fill in those blanks for yourself, but for me those blanks looked something like this… “Don’t you think I am bigger than your school work?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than your frustrations with Travis?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than your busyness?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than rekindling communication with your father?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than Lynnlee teething?” “Don’t you think I am bigger than your sins and struggles with obedience?” and the list could literally go on for pages! The answer to all of these questions is of course YES, but am I living my life that way?  If I was going to be honest with myself and the Lord, (and let’s face it, He already knows the truth, He knows our hearts and our thoughts for goodness sake!) I was not living my life out of this belief.  I began praying “God make me willing to be under Your authority and control, make me willing to submit to You” and let me try to explain the results of that prayer, it was like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders, it was like shackles and chains falling down to the ground where I was standing.  Those shackles and chains that had held me captive, frozen in fear and anxiety about the uncontrollable began to be loosed, I was FREE! Dara Maclean sings a song called “You made me free”, here are some of the lyrics: You tell me, I’ve been made free, You give me everything I need to walk in my dreams, You whisper words that free my soul, You’re the reason I have hope, You’re everything I need and more, You made me, You made me free. That was exactly what God wanted for me, freedom!  That’s what He wants for all of us, freedom to trust in Him, freedom to experience His salvation that is full of mercy and grace, freedom to dream for the impossible! Thank you Lord for FREEDOM!!!!!!

Faith, prayer, and women teaching women

These past few weeks the Lord has really been dealing with my heart.  I am learning some really hard lessons, some of which I accept willingly and others well, let’s just say I am somewhat resistant. (Okay, really resistant) God is teaching me about prayer, faith, trust, control (and the release of it), and His character.  I came to His feet with a simple question that turns out, has a complex answer.  Maybe the answer is actually very simple, maybe I complicate it out of pride.  My question was this… “God how do I pray in faith knowing that you can answer my prayers, but not have expectations of HOW you will answer them?”  You see Travis and I have trusted God with our finances, we believe that God’s desire for our house was for me to be home with Lynnlee.  The numbers didn’t make sense; it felt like I was being irresponsible, it seemed like an illogical decision.  However, we prayed and felt that this was definitely His will.  Here we are a year later, I still feel as though I am to be in the home with my child.  I love being a stay-at-home-mommy.  I love knowing that Lynnlee is being taught and developed exactly as I believe God would have me to do.  But, there is the issue of finances.  We have made it the first year on our savings and by God’s mercy and providence.  Now we are beginning another year, the finances really don’t look like they will work.  Once again, it doesn’t make any sense for me to stay home.  So I began to pray at the beginning of the month for this month’s bills.  I prayed that God would provide what we needed; I prayed that He would show me what we were supposed to do.  This month has come and is on its way out and, if I’m being honest, it doesn’t LOOK like God has answered.  So what then?  What happens when God doesn’t answer in OUR terms… what happens when we pray and God doesn’t…

       Heal our bodies

       Give us raises

       Bring our child home

       Sell our house

       Give us a desperately desired spouse

       Deliver someone from addiction

What do we do then?  This is where I found myself this week.  This is where I brought the Lord my question of “What NOW?”  I have the privilege of having some wonderful mentors and women of faith in my life to speak truth in love.  One of them gently pointed out the pride in my heart, who am I to tell God how He ought to answer my prayers and when?  Another said to me “Courtney, you need to stop seeking God’s blessings and start seeking God… ‘Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, then all these things will be added to you.’ If you don’t have the faith right now, ask God for it, ALL good things come from the Lord.” And yet another woman of faith said to me, in a group setting but it might as well been directly to me, “God’s will for you, for your life, is GOOD!”  And then God, in all of His sweetness, got ahold of my heart during my prayer and Bible time yesterday in the text of Hebrews 11… the faith chapter, the text that tells us of those men and women of God who trusted the Lord in faith to provide for all their needs, fulfill His promises.  Lord, grant me a faith like these. Faith that can “conquer kingdoms, perform acts of righteousness, obtain promises, shut the mouths of lions, quench the power of fire, escape the edge of a sword, in weakness be made strong, become mighty in war, resurrect from the dead, endure torture, mocking, stoning, and even death, for the furtherance of YOUR Kingdom”-Hebrews 11:33-40.  This is not something I can muster up on my own, but I am praying, praying that the Lord will increase my faith, that I will know that HIS WILL IS GOOD FOR MY LIFE (and for yours!)  So thank you women of faith, thank you for speaking truth into my life and allowing the Lord to use you as He desires!

Security and Dignity

     Security, that is a word full of many emotions. When you have it you feel safe, comfortable, worthy, and able to delve into uncertainty. When you don't, when insecurity prevails, it can make you look like a fool, it can create boundaries in relationships and rob you of opportunities that the Lord may have for you. I have been on both sides of this coin. My life and circumstances in my development created extreme insecurities in myself, I was insecure about my appearance always wanting to change something about myself, I was insecure about my abilities always wondering if I was good enough, I was insecure about my position in friendships always afraid I was going to lose my friends or that they would find someone else that was better than me, and oh so many more.  Some of my insecurity came from situations that were out of my control, life happenings that made me believe that I was “less than”, unworthy. Some of my insecurities came from choices I made on my own, situations I allowed myself to be exposed to, people I allowed to tell me who I was. Either way, I found myself in my early twenties not know who I was or what I was good for. I honestly felt that I was not special to God, that I had nothing to offer the Kingdom, I was useless, and worse than that I was forgotten. That is until the past year or so. Let me tell you, as succinctly as possible, what God has done for me. 

     He has revealed His power and might in my life by redeeming me of my dignity, my worthiness, and shown me how to have security in Him! I have done soul searching to find the triggers of my insecurities, identified how it has made me look, act, and think foolishly, and He is now freeing me from my downward spiral of uselessness of my own making. He cannot truly use me until I know who I am in Him, who HE says I am. His desire, His will is for me to have my dignity back, so I know when I ask for it He is more than willing, excited even, to give that to me. I can stop hanging my head in shame when I walk into a room full of women wondering if I measure up, if they can see through my facade, if they know I feel like a poser. I have the freedom, because I am clothed with strength and dignity, according to Proverbs 31:25, I am clothed, covered by Christ, I am worthy! I pray that if you feel unworthy, if you catch yourself measuring against other women around you, if you find yourself disliking someone because they look like they have it all together, stop the cycle, stop missing out on the things that God has for you and ask Him to tell you the truth about YOU in that moment. Let Him love you and clothe you in strength and dignity, let Him remove all shame, guilt, fear, and insecurity and replace it with confidence in Christ and freedom! This is truly His desire, and it really is possible.  You are worthy, you are not forgotten, He sees you, He knows you, let Him give your security and dignity back. 

Proverbs 31:25

English Standard Version (ESV)

25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
   and she laughs at the time to come.

Captivating Beauty

    A good friend of mine and I have had many conversations as of late that sound something like this... "I need to be eating better, I am so fat...   I need to be committed to going to the gym/working out I cannot believe I how much weight I have gained..." etc... I am sure you know the conversation.  Maybe you have had it yourself recently.  We are bombarded with images of women in our society that either plague us with insecurity or cause us to become bitter and cynical.  What is this desire for beauty? Why is it so central to our beings as women?  Is it God created? Could this insurmountable desire to be noticed, to be adored, be part of God's creation?  I would dare to say a resounding YES!!!  I am doing a lot of studying and reading on the issue of beauty and insecurity.  In the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, this issue of the desire for beauty is largely addressed.  Stasi writes, "a woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world.  She might be mistaken on how, but she longs for a beauty to unveil.  This is not just culture, or the need to "get a man".  This is in her heart, part of her design."  She goes on discussing how women are created in God's image, God is not inherently male or female, God has both masculine and feminine qualities.  That is why men and women are created so differently, yet so complementary.  Men long for a beauty to rescue, hence the "superhero" phase that some (including my husband) never grow out of :). Women desire to be sought after, to be adored, to be seen, which can be seen in the dress up, jewelry wearing, makeup dawning, twirling princess stage in most little girls.  These completely different desires are complementary of one another.  This is the Lords, heart in action.  He is a warrior, he is a valiant hero. Yet He also longs to be sought after. All throughout scripture God says "Seek Me" "Know Me" "Love Me".  How much does that sound like something I have thought in my head (and at times said out loud).  God's hearts desire is for us to desire Him.  God yearns to be known, to be sought after.
     So the desire to be found beautiful and yearned for came from the Lord.  However, I feel that most women doubt that they have any genuine beauty to unveil.  I know it is one of my deepest doubts.  I am so very aware of my shortcomings, my flaws and imperfections.  I am convinced ever so easily that I have nothing to offer, that there is nothing in me that is desirable, therefore I must try to muster up some form of beauty on my own accord.  But what is deeper than that lack of confidence in my outward appearance is my lack of confidence in God.  Stasi talks about this as well... "Eve was convinced by the serpent, convinced of what?  Convinced that God was holding out on her.  Convinced that she could not trust His heart toward her. Convinced that in order to have the best possible life, she must take matters into her own hands.  And so she did.  She is the first to fall.  In disobeying God she also violated her very essence."  How difficult it is to trust that the Lord's desire is for the best possible life for me, that I can trust His heart.  He alone knows my desires, He created them!  He can fulfill that undeniable, unquenchable thirst to be known, the be seen, to be adored, He only asks the same in return.  If we should ever doubt that beauty is the essence of God, simply take a look around... nature's soul purpose is not to be functional, but to be beautiful.  Beauty is inviting, nourishing, comforting, transcendent, beauty draws us to God.

Christmas Ponderings

    As the Christmas season gets thrown into full gear I was listening to a little girl talk about how her family reads the Christmas story together each year.  She said "I think I have heard it about a million times!" I could definitely understand her sentiment, I mean how many times have we heard the song Away In a Manger, or Silent Night? It's so easy to simply go through the motions of Christmas and miss the miracle that it represents.  As a new mommy I am seeing Christmas with a fresh new perspective.  I had never thought about the event through Mary's eyes.  I mean I knew that she was a virgin, not married, and an angel told her she would give birth to the Son of God that would be the Savior of all mankind.  But I had never thought about the physical, emotional, and social changes that Mary endured during her nine (actually ten, but that's a pretty well kept secret!) months carrying Emmanuel.   I remember during my first trimester how sick I was, I mean sick sick sick and so very tired.  Did Mary feel this way?  I then remember how nervous I was about every single thing I put in my body, how much more anxious would I have been if I was carrying the Hope for Salvation?  I also remember the excitement I felt the first time I felt Lynnlee move,  I can only imagine the love that abounded in Mary the first time she felt that sensation of Jesus growing and moving!  But the moment I most remember is the moment I first laid eyes on my baby girl.  She was so beautiful, tiny, and completely helpless.  I was overjoyed, and terrified simultaneously.  I was responsible for her well-being, I was her caregiver, she NEEDED me.  Though Mary knew that Jesus would ultimately be the King of kings, He was still born a tiny, beautiful, helpless baby.  Mary had the responsibility of nursing Him, changing Him, rocking Him to sleep.  I cannot begin to fathom the depth of love and fear that Mary felt.  She loved Jesus in a way that no other person on this earth could ever love Him, she loved Him as her son.  I know I love Lynnlee deeper than any other human being on earth, Travis might run a close second ;)  I am so proud of her every accomplishment no matter how small.  Mary would have felt the same pride and joy watching Jesus take His first steps, hearing Him first say "Mama".  What a miracle Jesus' birth truly is, fully God, yet completely human.  Complete perfection in a tiny baby.  That is the reason for Christmas, that is the reason we celebrate during this season.  Jesus gave up His right as God and came to dwell, even for a little while, among men.  And the one person who would recognize just how miraculous His birth is, was the same person that probably cried tears of joy and tears of fear the night He came into this world, His mother, Mary.  This song has meant so much more to me this year than it ever has before, I will close with the lyrics to Mary Did You Know?

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary did you know.. Ooo Ooo Ooo

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great, I Am.