Anxiety and the call to rest

     I have been debating whether or not I was ready to write this blog post for a couple weeks now.  I mean I so do not have this anxiety thing figured out yet. I have moments that I feel as though my chest will explode and I will not be able to take another breath.  How could I possibly write about how I am "dealing" with anxiety?  But maybe right in the middle of it is where I need to be writing.  Maybe that's how God is working out this whole thing in my life for my best and for other's as well? So here we go...
     Anxiety is not a new thing in my life.  I grew up knowing that my family has a history of this monster we label "anxiety".  I have a wonderful family full of strong women.  We have lots of opinions.  We are loud.  We love fiercely.  We carry the load.  We bear all the burdens.  We see the problem and immediately feel as though it is our duty to find the solution.  Some of those qualities are amazing.  Some of them not so much.  You see, though the world views this kind of strength as a positive attribute, I am learning that often (at least in my own life) some of them are really just symptoms of an underlying issue.  What I am learning is that when I start to feel that it is my responsibility to carry the burdens of everyone around me, to refuse to ask for help when I desperately need it, to assume that I can be the solution to every problem I encounter... I am often dealing with my own anxiety just right under the surface.  My anxiety drives me to control EVERYTHING I possibly can.  To feel uncomfortable with any unsettled situations.  Therefore, I begin the crazy whirlwind of problem solving and micromanaging.  This process often leaves me feeling exhausted, overextended, more anxious and absolutely no good for anyone around me.
     There you have it.  My confession.  I turn into a micromanaging control freak with a short temper and a mean spirit whenever I am relying on myself to solve all the worlds problems.  Or at least my world.  But the past few weeks I have really been asking God to stop this cycle of crazy, to change my "nature" and create in me a new pattern.  I thought certainly this would be a long journey of a lot of work and discipline for myself. Instead, you know what I have found Him saying to me? Rest.  Stop.  Pause.  Deep breaths.  

"Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7.  

     That simple.  Casting all you anxieties on Him... Notice that is in the present tense... a constant.  Continually casting anxieties.  God, in His beautiful infinite sovereignty and wisdom, knew that we were going to struggle with wanting to take control of our circumstances for ourselves and saw it fit to remind us to continually cast our worries and fears on HIM.  And let's not miss WHY... because He cares for you, for me.  He wants my burdens because He loves me, because He knows the only way to live a peace filled life is to rely on Him.  And how silly for me not to do this, as though I could change one single thing on my own? He so sweetly calls to me and says "My precious daughter, come to me, lay it all at my feet.  Trust me.  I am trustworthy.  Believe me when I say I will work ALL things out for your very best.  I love you." Doesn't that sound too good to be true?  The most beautiful gift of love.  But He is just that good, He is even more good than that...  His love is everlasting and unfailing.  There is not a single thing that we, as His redeemed children, could do to make Him love us one iota less.  And also not one single thing that we could do to make Him love us one iota more.  He just does.  His love is perfect like that.  So other than us.  You can't earn it, you can't lose it.  It just is for His children.  And He is the Master Problem Solver.  The All Knowing One who sees every single thing, past, present, and future.  And He is saying to us all, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29
      I am not naturally good at this, but I know that my sweet loving God is patient and will always be there while I am learning to practice this rest.  He is so beautifully gracious that He requires us not to work harder, do better, figure the problem out for ourselves... Instead He says 'come to me and I will give you rest.'  And I don't know about you, but those words are like the most refreshing water to my scorched and thirsty soul.

Years pass in a single breath

Hello Blogging World!
     Man, it has been a long time since I have typed out my thoughts and life happenings.  And my goodness, has it happened!  It has been four years since I have last written.  Four years that have gone by so quickly it literally leaves me breathless to think about all the changes and milestones we have gone through.  So to summarize it as succinctly as possible... 
     We have grown from a family of 4 to a family of 5!  We welcomed our littlest little into the world in November of 2016.  Our rainbow baby.  Our promised one.  Liam Jude was the perfect addition to our lives, and he definitely keeps us on our toes in true third child fashion.  He is so incredibly loved by his siblings and is spoiled by them more than any grandparent could ever do for this child.  We love him to the depths of our hearts.  Tidwell family of five... We are thankful. 
     15 weeks into the pregnancy we decided to make another HUGE change for our family, we moved.  Not super far, but to a neighboring town with a smaller community.  Lynnlee, our oldest, was starting school that Fall and this was what we felt was best for her transition.  This was a bittersweet move.  We packed up all of our belongings in our beloved Jackson house.  The house we had lived in for every major event in our marriage.  The house our babies came home to.  The house we grew up in.  But at the end of the day, it was just a house... we carried all of those memories with us as we drove away.  
     Fast forward through sooooo many details that I could spend days talking about.  We are living in a rental home in a sweet neighborhood with precious neighbors that have become dear friends.  We are raising up some fiercely independent and high energy kids who are now 8, 6, and 2. Lynnlee is now in second grade.  She is growing into a beautiful young lady who has an intense love for all things girly, yet somehow also manages to be tough as nails.  She has experience some pretty hard times in her little life.  Lynnlee struggles with severe seasonal allergies that have resulted in 18 separate ear drum ruptures.  She is usually working with some level of discomfort, some level of hearing impairment.  But she has thrived.  Five surgeries later, we are still in pursuit of a more permanent solution to her health journey.  She is a trooper and has still managed to do wonderfully in school, play many sports, grow into quite the little artist, and make some of the sweetest friends.  Lynnlee made the best decision she will ever choose for herself last Fall when she prayed for Jesus to forgive her of her sins and live in her heart.  She can often be heard telling her friends about how they should love Him too.  It is the most amazing gift to watch her grow in this way.  She is our little firecracker, our firstborn into our craziness.  She is a joy and we are so proud. 
     Levi, our middle little, my little heartbreaker.  He is as handsome as they come with his beautiful big blue eyes, long eyelashes, sandy blonde hair, and crooked grin.  He is his Daddy's little mini person. He is a warrior.  Smart, oh that boy is smart.  And he is growing into quite the little athlete.  Levi is in Kindergarten.  He loves to read, build LEGOs, and play outside.  He has the most tender heart, which is both a gift and a difficulty some days as his Mom.  He gets it honest.  My little middle child, he has my heart.  His little brain is full of questions and he is always on the prowl for new information.  He has an intense love of music and prefers musicals over just about any genre of film.  (He gets that from me as well). He is going to change the world. 
     And then there is our littlest, Liam.  Our little adventurer.  He is every bit of two, and he is as feisty as they come.  He has the biggest, bluest eyes and white blonde hair.  He will melt you with his giant smile and quite often uses it to his advantage.  As I said, he is spoiled, not by me, but by his siblings (namely Lynnlee), it really is a precious sight to see.  He has caused us our share of fear filled moments, the child has no fear, none.  He also sees no boundaries.  He is our little escape artist that must at all times, be monitored.  He doesn't sleep.... like ever.  I say he runs on sunlight and oxygen like a house plant.  His mom, however, does not and requires sleep that she hasn't gotten in years.  He has night terrors and sleep walks which pretty much keeps in a constant state of alert even while we are supposed to be resting.  But my goodness, when he puts his little hands on my face in the night I am all his.  Sweetest boy, biggest lover.  He loves all dogs. All.  Every single one.  He is just the best. If he survives into adulthood he is going to be one serious force to be reckoned with. 
     Those are the updates on our children... There are also adults in this house, Travis and I are almost 12 years into marriage and 16 years into our relationship.  Being 32 years old myself, that means that half of my life has been spent with this man.  We have seen some of the hardest years of our lives in this time frame.  Many transitions that haven't been easy.  Our marriage has cracked under the pressure, we have said words that have been hard, but at the end of the day we have continued to choose one another, to work hard to love each other to our best ability.  By God's grace alone, we have chosen this life together.  Marriage is hard work you guys, in case you weren't aware.  But it is also a gift to find someone that will choose you at your worst.  That has seen all the dark places that you hide from the rest of the world and says "I'm staying".  Grace, what a beautiful gift of grace.  There will more on that topic soon.  
     So there you have it, a summation of years of our lives into a few paragraphs.  These are the highlights guys, not the entirety of the story that has brought us to this place.  We are growing, changing, and loving every day.  Not because it's perfect, but because it's ours.  I hope to continue to write as the days move forward, there are some BIG changes in the works for the Tidwell family.  I hope you will journey along with us! 
     

I will be still

     This summer has been quite a whirlwind!  I feel like I have run 100 miles and hour since the weather began to warm.  I really like it that way if I'm being honest, I like busy, I like scheduled events, I like to have something to do. (Maybe that's life with a 4 year old and 2 year old, busy is sometimes better...)  But over the course of the past week or so I could feel the busyness really beginning to bear down on me.  I wanted to check out, sleeping more often, feeling more anxious and irritable.  After a few days of this I could see that my body was responding to what my heart really needed.  To slow down.
     We are coming up on the one year anniversary of Levi's accident. If you don't know about that event check out last year's blog post.  But in short, my 18 month old baby was struck by a car, he is okay and fully recovered today.  Sorry to take the wind out of your sails so abruptly, I have yet to figure out a way to say that without it being super dramatic.  There are some events in life like that, dramatic.  This was one of them for our family.  God was so faithful to protect his little body and I am so thankful.  We saw Him in ways that we had never experienced His presence ever before.  We came home, life went on, more hard things happened... Then this month rolled around.  I knew it was coming.  July comes around every year.  So it shouldn't have surprised me when I rolled the calendar over and saw that the month was in fact July.  But I could feel my heart in my throat and my breathing shallow as I read the month, July.  It felt like a weight pressed down on my chest, I could feel it rising, panic, fear, anxiety.  Memories washing over me like a flood.  I pushed them down, cleared my throat, and began making lunch for my two hungry little blondes.  I slept more that day, napped when the kids napped, went to bed early.  The next day, more of the same.  Though I couldn't place my finger on it I felt more irritable, more on edge, I wanted to sleep.  When I woke I still felt exhausted.  I did this for three more days.  Constantly swallowing the lump in my throat, my stomach uneasy, restless sleep, unfocused.  Then yesterday as I'm standing in the choir loft of our church worshiping The Lord it started to become more clear.  I fought back memories that were flooding my mind, images, sounds, and emotions that I felt that horrible day in July.  And as they were coming on I felt defenseless, like waves rushing over me.  I went home immediately following the service and went to sleep.  When I woke I knew I needed to speak it out, to find help, to process the emotion I was unable to control or fully understand.
      ...Tell my husband, he needs to know what my heart is experiencing.  After doing that and seeing tears well up in his eyes I realize that he too may be experiencing these emotions and dealing with them in a different way.  We decide that talking to someone professionally will probably benefit me.
     ...Tell a close and trusted friend.  There is a lot of scripture that explains that we are to bear one another burdens.  To love one another the way Jesus loved.  This includes sharing in celebration and sorrow.  I have been so fortunate to have a group of Godly women in my life that are faithful to love me in every season.  I shared, asked for prayer, and knew that they would do just that.
     ...Seek out Godly counsel.  Someone qualified to deal with my emotional state that can help me wade through the experiences of the past year and the emotions that followed.
     And then make the next right choice, I knew I needed time with God, quiet, uninterrupted, alone.  So I asked God to wake me up this morning, no alarm was set, I asked Him to wake me in time to meet with Him before my family rose.  6:45 this morning my eyes opened and for the first time in days I felt energized enough to get out of bed without a fight.  I put on my pot of coffee.  Grabbed my Journal and Bible (and my favorite purple pen) and sat down on my couch, complete silence, sun rising over the trees, worship music in the background.  I was ready to do some work with God.  I just knew He was going to put me through the ringer, that He was going to remind me of my sinfulness and anxious heart.  And surely He was not pleased.  After all this time with Him you would think I would know that He is holy and just absolutely, but gentle, kind, loving, full of grace and mercy.  And as I began journaling, pouring my heart before Him, confessing my sinfulness, asking Him to meet me, a song began resounding in my heart.

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone

Know His power in quietness and trust 

When the oceans rise and thunders roar

I will soar with You above the storm

Father You are King over the flood

 I will be still and know You are God

     And as I was singing those lyrics in my mind I began to feel my heart beat begin to slow down.  I had been very aware of how it had been racing and pounding for a few days.  I began to journal my thoughts, images of times that I felt safe, calm, and peace filled.  One specific memory came to me, I was a child, probably 4 or so, laying with my Mom in her bedroom "napping".  (I was never a good napper, sorry Mom I now know how sacred that time is!)  She was laying in front of me with her back to me, I was nuzzled against her. (Again, sorry Mom I now know how it feels to have a child plastered to you every. single. moment. of. the. day.)  But I was lying there, watching her back expand when she would breathe. I could feel her heart beat.  And I was lying there I tried matching my breathing to hers, feeling my heart beat and wanting it to be the same as hers.  And as I remember that moment, I remember feeling completely content, safe, and at peace.  I was with my Mom, the person I loved more than anyone on this planet, I was in her presence and she was resting so I could too.  And then I knew, that was God's desire for me too.  Just to be in His presence, lean against His chest, match my breathing to His, and know that I am safe, I can stop fighting the emotions, stop being afraid.  And that is what I have spent my morning doing, just being with God.  No agenda, just a little worship music, eyes closed, and rest. 

     I am not sure why I felt God prompting me to share this experience on the blog today.  Maybe it was to be completely vulnerable, real, and honest.  Maybe there is someone else that needed to be reminded that God just wants you, not the shiny, put together Sunday morning version... But the real, messy, human version.  And He just wants us to meet Him in His presence.  To rest in Him.  To be still and know that He is God.  

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the Lord:

He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, 

out of the miry bog,

 and He set my feet upon a rock,

making my step secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear

and put their trust in the Lord. 

Surviving or Thriving

If you have been following my blog for any amount of time you will surely have noticed that this past year or so has been difficult to say the least.  We have experienced loss like I have not experienced in my entire life combined.  As I was beginning to feel like God was beating up on me, or that He was just too busy to notice, I had an encounter with Him that reminded me that His character is true and sufficient.  I had been hanging on by a thread.  Standing on the ledge.  Feeling like I looked just like this plant.  Withered, beaten, neglected, and barely surviving.  Then my sweet Lord came to me... He met me on a church pew with other sisters who looked just a tired and ragged as I was feeling. (Funny isn't it, that when we are feeling so neglected we forget that we are not alone?) He reminded me in His Word to "understand this, in the last days there will come times of difficulty." ( 2 Timothy 3:1) So what then?  When life beats you down, circumstances feel as though they will overtake you, and you feel as though you are barely hanging on? What do we do then?  That was the question I was coming to the Lord with on this particular day.  And God oh so sweetly reminded me that I have hope.  Hope that He can take any circumstance and make something so beautiful out of it.  Beauty that I couldn't begin to even imagine, much less create.  He can take a person, barely surviving, but willing to be poured into and cause them not just to "make it", but to thrive!  This truly is His desire for my life.  When the storms come, that I wouldn't just "hang in there" or  wait for the phrase "this too shall pass" to become true, but in the midst of the storm to THRIVE.  So, how do I do this... as I was reading a book given to me by a sweet friend, the author said something that really struck a cord in me.  She said "Yes, you can throw pieces at God in anger and say "I do not like the life You have given me, and I refuse to life within these limitations with a humble heart."... However, if you choose to bow your knee and submit to the varied circumstances of your life, God will do miracles... you must accept any limitations by faith, trust in His faithfulness each step of the way, and wait for His grace so you can live a faithful story right in the place you find yourself." (Sally Clarkson) So that is the secret to thriving in the midst of the storm.  Submission, faith, and trust in God.  That He has a greater plan then you can imagine in this moment.  That He is orchestrating all things, not just when things are good and the sun is shining, but on those nights when the storm rages outside the window and your heart feels shattered.  The only difference in the first picture of the wilting plants, and this one is the second picture has been watered, tended to by The Gardener. I'm sure this entailed some painful pruning, but the plant trusted and submitted to The Gardeners plan to create something beautiful! Something that is not merely surviving... but thriving! 

But there was also another picture that God revealed to me.  And this one was harder on my heart than the first two.  Take a look at this plant.  It looks beautiful, like it is flourishing and thriving in that beautiful stone pot.  But the reality is that this plant is neither surviving nor thriving, in fact it has never experienced either, it is artificial.  Fake.  A fraud.  It requires no pruning or watering, no tending, no painful grooming.  No attention from The Gardener.  It is safe from the painful process that The Gardener has in mind for the living plants.  It is plastic.  And as I was thinking about all of the seasons of my life that I have been "plastic", unliving, fake, and safe, it came to me just how much bravery it takes to be real.  To be vulnerable to the process and plan that The Gardener has for our lives.  It is much easier to be fake.  It is much easier to be safe from the storms, in fact they don't matter when you are fake, nothing can hurt you.  But you will never experience the fullness and joy of being cared for and protected by The Gardener.  Being real is worth the pain.  It's worth the vulnerability when you have The Gardener tending to your heart.  

God, please continue to prune me, to tend to my heart, to water my soul with Your Word, the Living Water.  Help me to be vulnerable enough to be real and not artificial, even if I do look like the plant that is barely surviving.  Thank You for Your kindness, mercy, patience, and tenderness.  I submit my life to You.  In Jesus sweet, precious name I pray. Amen

Beauty from brokenness

     This has proven to be one of the hardest, longest, most painful weeks of my life.  The kind of week that seems to last for years and years.  We announced on Sunday afternoon that we were expecting a baby this Fall.  We were so excited to be adding to our little clan and couldn't wait to begin celebrating with those in our lives!  After two fairly uneventful pregnancies, this one seemed to be following suit.  I woke up Monday morning, it was a beautiful day, and decided to meet some friends at the park.  I felt really energized and was thrilled to be outside in the sunshine.  That night around 9:00 I began experiencing cramping and soon recognized that these symptoms were not normal and started worrying about the baby.  Monday night was the longest night I've had in a long time, between cramping and the nausea I was fighting back anxiety by praying over the baby and myself, and waking Travis up to pray over me.  The morning light came and we decided it was time to go to the hospital.  They took blood and did and ultrasound within moments I overheard a nurse in the hall saying "there was no measurable heartbeat" and I knew that they were talking about me.  About my baby.  My sweet little one that we already loved so dearly.  When the doctor came in I could tell immediately that she had already been crying, and this sweet lady delivered the most heartbreaking news, we had lost our baby.  There was no heartbeat. Our sweet little one had gone on to be with Jesus.  And that I was going to begin the process of miscarrying at any moment.  We cried, prayed, held each other, and silently I got dressed.  As we walked to the car, our whole world crashing down around us, God began working in my heart, in my spirit.  The best way to summarize this experience and where we are today is to allow you a glimpse into the heart and thoughts of my time with The Lord.  I hope that this is hope giving and uplifting to anyone who reads it...

God, Father, Healer, how I need You today.  My empty womb, aching with loneliness, fear, pain and yet also peace needs You. God, only You can make beauty from shattered pieces of broken hearts. Only You can create something lovely from the brutality of losing a life.  This little one, never known, never seen, but held safely all the days of its life, this short vapor of an existence was held close to my heart every second of its own heart beating.  God, You see all of this child, every single detail of its DNA, every nuance of its personality, every outward expression of the union of its Mommy and Daddy.  And this child, thought never known this side of eternity, will be loved all the days of our lives, will be carried in our hearts as long as we walk this earth, and one glorious day our eyes and hearts will behold the tiny face of our Lost One.  Because Lord we know that what seems lost to us, has never for one second been lost to You.  You held, and still hold, this precious baby in Your hands and now in Your presence.  So until the day of reuniting, we rest in the peace that comes only from knowing You.  A peace that surpasses all understanding.  One day we will see this face, this life, and even more gloriously, Your own face.  Thank You for each moment we had, we will know Your love, grace, and mercy more fully because we experienced this journey of love and loss.  In Jesus do we put our hope and our trust. 

Isaiah 66:9

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born."

Dreaming!

     Have you ever been filled with so many emotions that it feels as though you might bust open at the seams?  Well, that is where I am right now....   There are so many different emotions swirling around in my heart that I feel like I might explode.  I am also uncertain as to what I am feeling moment to moment.  There are so many wonderful things going on in my life right now!  So many avenues and doors God has opened for me to explore!  There is also a lot of hard going on too.  A lot of unanswered questions, unknown next steps, undone current circumstances that I feel as though might swallow me whole.  However, in the midst of the craziness going on around me, there is one thing that I can say for certain that is happening:  God is opening up my heart and mind to dream again!
     Do you remember as a kid when someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up how your mind would race with possibilities; maybe a doctor, a teacher, an astronaut, a singer, a professional basketball player, or a dancer... so many options!  I'm pretty sure I changed my answer every single time someone asked me that question.  Until one day, after many failed attempts at growing 3 feet so I could be a pro basketball player, or I realized that I do not like being in a confined space for long periods of time, those choices began to be narrowed down.  I realized that not all of the options were logical for me.  I realized that I had to be a little more realistic.  I began to think more rationally. That is where the paradigm shift began.  And throughout the years, life circumstances, and failed attempts at a lot of different things, somewhere in the midst of it all, I stopped dreaming.
     I didn't even realize I had done it.  I didn't do it intentionally, but among the college stress, career changes, babies being born, marital hardship, and financial burden, I stopped dreaming.  I started living life in the moment, in reality, afraid to have any hopes or dreams for fear of leaving them unrealized.  It was simply easier on my heart to not dream than to deal with disappointment.  I am very blessed in the life I have!  I have a wonderful, God-loving, hard working, super hot husband, 2 beautiful, healthy, energetic, and full of life children, wonderful family, amazing support system, and above all those things, I am redeemed!  I have a love relationship with Jesus! And somehow, somewhere, I decided that dreaming about something different was wrong or ungrateful, and I never want to be ungrateful!  But in these past few months God has revealed something to my heart.  It's okay to have dreams and ambitions beyond your current circumstances!  It's okay to look into the future and hope for something.
     So what does this mean?  What does this look like when paired together?  I'm not completely certain yet, but so far this is where I have gotten... God loves me, He knows me, He knows my heart, my potential, my dreams, even better than I know them myself!  And guess what?  He wants them for me too!  He placed those dreams in there when he knit me in my mother's womb!  And when I seek Jesus first, when I love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength,  then my dreams align with His desires for my life!  I am not destined to sit in my comfortable home, with my brightly painted walls, and my ordinary life.  I am not simply a pew sitter or a choir member.  There are big things that God has for me in my life!  Now, He may choose to use those avenues, He may leave me in my comfortable warm house with yellow walls and my wonderful church with all of my people, but He is not leaving me here because there is no room to dream, it's because this is where my dreams can be realized!  So, in the center of this ordinary, mundane, life I can see the opportunity, I can dream!  And when I come to God and ask Him to use me for more and give me dreams that can be realized for His glory, I can almost hear Him shouting "YES!!! Finally!  I have been hoping you would ask me for that!"
    So what do I dream?  The answer is a resounding, I have no idea!  But I am so excited to open my heart and mind to the possibilities and pray for God to give me dreams for His glory!  Those are the dreams that matter the most in the end anyway!  I pray that He will continue to reveal more of the unique qualities and desires He placed in my heart before anyone else knew me!  I pray for boldness and bravery to follow through with those dreams once I know what they are!  I pray for revelation even in the ordinary and mundane every day.  This is what it looks like to dream after years of living in complacency! Join me, let's dream together!

The end of a really hard year

     Well, it certainly has been quite a while since I last wrote.  Not for lack of words, but possibly for too many.  This year has been wonderful, beautiful, horrible, exhausting, promising, and so many other descriptions that I could add just thinking back over the past 363 days.  Through it all, through the financial burdens, the health issues, the friendships fostered, the relationships lost, there has been one consistent theme through it all... God is still so good.  I must confess a lack of faith in that throughout the months, but God has shown up to renew my strength and remind me of all of His faithFULness!  In the past month or so I have begun praying in quite a different manner than I ever have before.  Let me start at the beginning of the most recent journey I am on with God....
      It all started about a week before Thanksgiving.  We were struggling through some pretty serious financial decisions and really weren't sure what the next step to take was going to look like.  I began having a whole host of doubt plague my heart, "where is God?" "does He really want to bless ME?" "why do I feel so full of fear, I have seen God provide before?" and so many more.  I opened my Bible and began reading in Hebrews 11... I read how Moses had the faith to lead the people through the wilderness, to cross the Red Sea, how Abraham had the faith that God would make him a great nation, how Sarah trusted that God would give her a child in her old age, and so on and so on.  As I was reading this passage I was thinking "Okay God I get it, they had faith. If I'm being honest here, I don't, now what?"  And then I sat there, feeling helpless, frustrated, and embarrassed that the truth was what it was.  I didn't have faith.  I didn't trust God.  I couldn't muster it up, pretend it was there, fake it till I could make it... it just wasn't.  So I cried, I confessed my lack of faith, I asked God to fill me up with it because frankly I wasn't sure where else it could come from at this point.
     Then I picked up my Bible and started reading again, Hebrews 12:1-2

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses" at this point, the Bible student in me perked up, see I have been taught that it you see the word "therefore", you should ask yourself "what is it there for?".  So I looked back up at what I just read, all about the heroes of my faith, all about their trust in God and how God showed up for them.  They are the "great cloud of witness".  I could feel my heart beating a little faster now... so I continued. "let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race which is set before us."  Now the former athlete in me was getting stirred up.  Run with endurance, where do you get endurance? Through practice! Through trials and failed attempts and more practice! At this point I feverishly turned to James 1 and read "Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness (endurance)"  I was feeling the "Hallelujah" rising up in my heart! So I kept reading... "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and it seated at the right hand of the throne of God."  I laid back on my bed, closed my eyes, and pictured this scene. It was as though I was watching a movie.  Walk through it with me...

      I can feel the pavement beneath my feet, my heart pounding, my breath beginning to shorten.  My legs feel heavy and tired, but I am running.  I am putting one foot in front of the other, I am not fast, but I am running.  Then I begin to feel the wind in my face, a breeze blowing through my hair and reminding me that I am still in the race.  Then I realize I am carrying a huge backpack on my back, it is heavy, full of memories, fears, failures, hopes, dreams, and a dozen pairs of shoes I'm sure ;) and I remember "lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely" and I take it off.  It wasn't difficult really, I just slipped the straps off my shoulders and let the pack fall to the ground, and I leave it there. Now running feels a bit easier.  I feel lighter, and my steps a bit faster.  Then I hear it, cheers to my left and my right, and there they were!  My heroes of the faith, they have finished their race, they ran with endurance and they are cheering me on!  Screaming like maniacs, encouraging me to keep running, to set my eyes on the race in front of me, not the heavy burden I left behind.  And now I can hear Him, Jesus, seated at the end of the race, on His throne, He is cheering louder than all of the others!  He is my biggest fan, my loudest voice, He finished His race "for the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross". And now He is resting on His throne, encouraging me to keep running.  

     I opened my eyes with tears running down my face.  I am not alone, it is not based on my faith alone.  I can stand on the shoulders of my heroes, those men and women that have gone before.  Some of them in the Bible, some of them I had the privilege to stand shoulder to shoulder with in this life.  All of them cheering loudly saying "keep running, it's oh so worth it!"  And so I do, even through this hard year.  Some people have asked me how I do it?  How I keep going after this difficult season?  And this is the secret, I have a great cloud of witnesses and my Jesus cheering me on... My prayer for this next year is this verse, that I will run with endurance, run freely and unhindered, toward the things that God has set before me.  That I will hear those voices and know that I can trust the God that is the same today as He was in ages past when those great heroes ran their races.  I will press on, I will endure! 

When the dust settles

     After all of the excitement we had in the month of July, as far as I'm concerned, it can just take a hike and be wiped off our calender!   I'm ready for August, I need a fresh start.  But God has been so faithful to teach me so many wonderful things through the trials we experienced in July.  He never lets anything, any experience, go wasted when we surrender our hearts and our lives to His will.  I'm going to attempt to share, in a somewhat coherent manner, a few of the things I feel like He has been teaching me. Bear with me if I get a little hard to follow.
     First of all, I have learned a couple of things about myself.  I have learned I am great in crisis.  I mean really, in the moment of tragedy, you will want me at your side.  I get this strange calm that takes over.  Everything is super clear, I know that was God, I know He was upholding me.  He gives us strength in our weakest moments.  On the flip side of that coin, when the calm comes after the storm, when I get still and process, I struggle with tremendous amounts of anxiety after-the-fact.  So that's where I am today, the dust is settling, Levi is healing wonderfully, and life is returning to "normal".  So now is when I begin my struggle with anxiety, I am working really hard on surrendering this to God at this time, He says "cast all your cares upon Me, My yoke is easy and my burden is light".
     So that's what brings me to these past couple of days, a heart struggling with anxiousness, and a knowledge that I have a God who cares about that.  A sweet friend of mine, she was once my "watch care momma" (basically an adoptive mom through the church I attended while I was in college), she has been involved in my life for eight years now and I am so grateful for her wisdom and willingness to share her heart with me and my family... she brought me a book a couple of weeks ago called "Rules for the Red Sea".  It has been a tool that God has used over and over again to remind me of some truths that I have known but that are so easy to forget in the time of crisis.  If you are in a trial or know someone who is, this little book is worth the investment.  So I began reading about a week ago and the story of the Israelites had some great parallels in my life now.  I opened up my Bible and decided I wanted to see what God's Word had to say about these circumstances and a couple of things became very clear to me.
     First, that God is in control of ALL things.  It says in Exodus 13: 17-18 that God led the people of Israel out of Egypt and into the wilderness instead of going into the land of the Philistines (which would have been a more direct route).  His reason?  "Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt."  God took them on a more lengthy journey because He knew what their hearts could and could not handle. He was protecting them, even though they may never have known from what.  Sometimes I feel like I know a shorter way through the journey, a way that would get me there faster, but God doesn't allow me to travel that path, I may never know why or what He was protecting me from.  But I can be assured that this is what is best for me and my family.
    Second, that God will get His glory, because He alone is worthy.  And that is the whole point of us being on this earth, to bring Him glory, so the whole earth will know Him.  In Exodus 14: 1-20 the Bible tells us the story of how the Israelites arrived at the Red Sea.  It says God told Moses to lead the people of Israel into a "rock and a hard place" type scenario, "the wilderness has shut them in" and their backs were to the sea.  Then God said "I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host and the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord."  So the scene is set, the Israelites in a hopeless scenario and for what? For God to get His glory in the land of the Egyptians.  When I read that statement it struck my heart and it was like there was a light that turned on in the darkness.  This is it, this is the whole reason that "bad things happen to good people".  God's glory and His worship is the end game.  It is the way that the world can see Him most clearly, when God is glorified and lifted up.
     The story continues... The Egyptians are pressing in and the Israelites are terrified (and rightfully so) and they cry out to the Lord. And what is God's response?  "Fear not, stand firm,and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.  The Lord will fight for you, and you have only need to be still." (vv. 13 &14)
     So that is what I am doing, I am actively being still and allowing God to fight for me.  When the walls are closing in and the enemy is drawing near.  When the sea is at our backs and there is no apparent escape.  God says, "watch and see".  It isn't a passive lack of care or laziness, it is an active choice to stand still.  Stand still and listen for God's next command, we never know when that sea will part and He will say "follow me into a miracle".

The miraculous and the mundane

     Have you ever experienced a time in your life that you literally feel like you are dangling by a thread?  Like at any moment that thread might break?  Well, I'm there.  After the week we had last week with Levi's accident and being in the hospital I anticipated that this week might be difficult.  But I was thinking the hard part would be the transitioning of Levi and his injuries.  That part has been far better than I could have hoped, he is healing wonderfully.  He is a strong little man and God is healing his body quite quickly!  For that we are so grateful and thankful!  And because of that fact I feel horrible for worrying about anything else! 
      I feel so ungrateful for what I'm about to say, we experienced a miracle when God protected Levi, we experienced a miracle when his little body began to heal so quickly, but now we need another one.  And I feel like I am being so selfish and spoiled to even ask for another... it's not like I feel like I need to earn God's favor, not that because I am good He will show up... that's not it at all, but more along the lines of He was so faithful to care for Levi, in that HUGE trauma and circumstance, that I feel like asking for Him to show up in this situation is petty and pathetic.  So I was honest with God, I journaled and confessed my unbelief and lack of faith.  I confessed and asked for God to continue revealing His character to me so that I could trust Him more.  I feel so silly even typing those words.  I mean I JUST saw God show up in a beautiful way a little over a week ago.  You would think I would have the faith that could move mountains.  So why do I question His providence in this situation?  How could I doubt His character now?  
     My flesh is so weak, I am such a human.  I have such a short memory, and I am reminded of the Israelites wandering in the wilderness.  God parted the Red Sea to save them from their enemies, how much more miraculous could that be?  And not one chapter later His people had forgotten.  They were complaining and fearful for how He would provide for their daily needs, as if He would save them from Egyptian armies and leave them in the wilderness to die.  So I keep reminding myself that God is still the same God that He was in the hospital, in the middle of my worst moments.  He is still the God who cares, the God who sustains, the God who provides, JEHOVAH-JIRAH, the God who sees.  So I guess the point of this whole post is this, God doesn't just show up in the obviously miraculous, He will also show up in the everyday and the mundane.  And we don't have to wonder if our problems are big enough for Him to care about because it says in Matthew that he cares for the flowers and the birds, and how much more does He love us!  He is faithful, ALWAYS, He is not like us.  He is totally other, He is consistent, we can trust in Him.  The two pictures I posted below are from this past week, the first one from the hospital with Levi, in the moment that I was so sure of God's faithfulness.  And the bottom is one from this week, after choir practice, God's reminder that He is with me in the storm and the calm.  Great is Thy faithfulness! 
God, give me faith, more faith!  I confess my tendency to humanize You.  I know that You are wholly other.  I confess my fear that You may not show up.  Forgive me for forgetting how You have already shown up for us in so many miraculous ways.  I will lead my heart and my mind in Your ways and follow You and trust You!  You are worthy, You alone.  Help me not forget! 

When the very worst could have happened

     This week has been the longest and most excruciating of my life. On Tuesday morning the biggest fear in a parents life became a reality in mine, our son Levi, sixteen months old, was struck by a car pulling out of a driveway.  My husband was the first one to get to him and that image has haunted him for days.  Within moments we were at the hospital and within moments after that he was being airflighted to a children's hospital.  To say it was horrifying to watch them load him into a helicopter would be putting it far too mildly, however there were a few things that God put in our path that made this easier.  First of all within 15 minutes there were 10 friends there with us praying and assisting in getting us what we needed.  We overtook the emergency room with a prayer circle and there was a peace that filled my heart in that terrible place of fear.  Second, the emergency room doctors and nurses as well as the helicopter nurses were beautiful people that held us, cried with us, and assured us that he looked great as far as they could tell. As they were strapping him to the stretcher to load him into the helicopter the nurse looked at me and with big tears in his eyes said "I'm praying too".  I hadn't realized it, but in that moment I had been praying out loud, not consciously but completely led by the Spirit.  When I got in the car to head toward Memphis after the helicopter took off I remember thinking to myself, "This is what all of those days of praying, studying God's Word, fellowshipping with other believers, filling myself up is for.  This is when you must be full to be able to be completely poured out and know that God is good and faithful."  I am forever grateful for that moment of blessed assurance.
     As the next hours progressed we learned that Levi is indeed a strong and miraculous little boy.  He made it out of the accident with a couple lacerations on his head, road rash on the lower part of his body, and a few fractures in his pelvis.  Though he is in pain, he is on the mend and will heal completely.  As we were in the hospital God placed not one, but two nurses that I went to Union with in our path. (Remember that we were in Memphis, a huge city and about 100 miles from our home town).  And that was just one of the dozens of confirmations that He gave us that He was present.  He had not left us, nor Levi, not for one second.  While I was sitting in his hospital room, watching him resting peacefully, praying and praising God for protecting my boy, God gave me a couple of songs that resonated in my mind over and over.  The first was the song It Is Well.  The lyrics I prayed and sang over my boy...
When peace like a river attendeth my way, 
when sorrow like sea billows roll, 
whatever my lot, You have taught me to say,
 it is well, it is well with my soul.  
     And in that moment I could reflect on my heart and sing with all my might It Is Well.  Not because Levi is well, not because I am well, but because God is here and He makes all things good.  And I was responsible for reminding my heart of that, You have taught me to say "it is well with my soul".   A second song that rang so true in my heart and mind is the Chris Tomlin song Angel Armies,  I believe that God gave me this song to help me remember how Levi was protected that day, 
I know who goes before me, 
I know who stands behind, 
the God of angel armies is always by my side. 
     And I have no doubt that God was by our side, by Levi's side, throughout every single moment.  So, I write all this to say, we are home, Levi is healing quickly, we are so grateful for the prayers of each and every person that lifted sweet Levi before the throne of God, and we know beyond a doubt that He has a plan for this!  To God be the glory! 

Some pictures of sweet Levi for your viewing pleasure :)

What I'm learning now...

    You know those seasons where you feel as though you are being stretched beyond your limits?  Those seasons where you are stretched so thin you know you must be completely see through, transparent?  That's where I am now.  If I'm being honest, I don't want to be here anymore, I want to be in an easier time.  I want to stop being stretched and pushed.  But that's not what God has for me now, for now this is where He chooses and wills for me to be.  You see, I am a fixer, I am a problem solver.  If there is an answer to be found I am going to search until I find it.  If I can resolve the pain, I will... if there is an alternative to hard things, I am going to seek it out... if there is a way, I will seek until I discover it.  That sounds all good and fine until there are no answers.  Until you come upon a problem that has no solution, there is no alternate path to take, there is no resolution.  That's where God has me now, and I think I am learning why.  When you are a problem solver, a fixer, you tend to try EVERYTHING else before you take it to God.  That is my issue, my pride, I think I can find the answers, I think I don't need Him to help me.  Pride is such a problem in our culture, we are told to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and work harder.  We can do it, without the help of anyone else.  We don't ask for help we just keep it all bottled up inside, like asking for help is admitting weakness.  So, this is where I am, no solutions, no resolutions, no answers, just an impossible situation.  And then I turned to The Lord, Jehovah-Jirah, the God who Provides, the God who Sees.  And this is what I am learning...
     God never tells us to figure it out on our own.  He tells us to come to Him in humility...
2 Chronicles 7:14...if My people who are called by My name humble themselves and pray and seek My face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land. 
Psalm 25:9 He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way
     So this is where I am, I am confessing my sin of pride and asking God to continue to teach me about humility and vulnerability.  And I am learning to pray, pray first, talk later (if at all).  Take it to the only One who can really satisfy my heart.  And ask, ask in faith.  Because God tells me...
Psalm 84:11 For the Lord God is a sun and shield, he bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  
Matthew 6:33 Seek first, the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. 
Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. 
     There it is... the truth in all of this, the answer to all things.  Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. That is my goal.  I am learning to delight myself in God first, not myself, not my dreams.  Those are important to God too!  He wants to give me the desires of my heart.  BUT FIRST, I seek His Kingdom and His righteousness and learn to delight in Him!  
Thank you God for this place.  This hard place, this place of uncertainty, this place of stretching.  I know that You are here, I know that you are near to me.  I ask for you to continue to teach me humility, continue to teach me to delight only in You!  To take my dreams, fears, and desires to You and trust in You to deliver.  You are worthy of all my trust, all my hope, all my faith, You alone.  I am Yours. 

When I think I'm going under 

part the waters Lord

When I feel the waves surround me,

calm the sea

When I cry for help Oh hear me Lord

and hold out Your hand

Touch my life

still the raging storm in me

Songs in my heart

     The past few weeks have been such an odd combination of excitement and fear, contentedness and longing, peace and anxiety. I feel one thing one minute and then the following I feel something totally different. Now as a woman I am no stranger to emotions, raging hormones and a tender heart make sure of that. But these feelings have been more deeper than just "being a woman". These feelings have been drawing me, almost magnetically or like gravity, to the Lover of My Soul. I have needed to be close to Him every moment of my day in order to assure that my roller coaster of emotions didn't hijack my family and take them along for the ride. I haven't felt like reading, that took too much emotional and mental energy, I haven't felt like talking, that would mean that I had to figure out how I was feeling in that very moment and that was simply too difficult a task. So, like an old pair of pj's on a cool night, I turned to worship. Worship, praise music, lyrics that speak directly to my soul and reverberate my emotions back to God, has always been a language I fully engaged in. I love it. So here are a few songs and lyrics that God has placed in my heart these weeks to cling to like a life raft in my river of emotions... I hope that they speak to your soul as they speak to mine.



Jason Gray- Begin Again

Arise, my love, the winter's past, the spring has come!

He makes all things beautiful in time

After the fire, what remains is the love that will not change

And makes all things beautiful in time

It's never too late for a new start

No matter how your life's been torn apart

When you're at the end, you can begin again

There's never been a night so long…

There's never been a life too far gone

When you come to the end, you can begin again


Sovereign Grace- All I have is Christ

I once was lost in darkest night, yet though I knew the way.

The sin that promised joy and life had led me to the grave.

I had no hope that You would own a rebel to You will

And if you had no loved me first I would refuse You still


Now Lord I would be Yours alone, and live so all might see

The strength to follow Your commands could never come from me.

O Father, use my ransomed life in any way You choose

and let my song forever be, "My only hope is You". 

Hallelujah, all I have is Christ! 

Hallelujah, Jesus is my life!





God, let my soul forever be desiring You. Draw me Lord to You!

Hope

    Sometimes life is just hard, ya know?  I mean, really, sometimes there really isn't a solution to the problem, sometimes there is no reconciliation, sometimes the pain doesn't end, sometimes there are just hard things.  The past few months have been a barrage of hard things... now let's not get caught up in the comparison of hard times, hard times are hard times for the person that is experiencing them and to compare pain is meaningless and demeaning.  Many of us have heard comments that tell us, in essence, just keep moving, be stronger, get through it.  Now, in some sense I agree with the ideas in these comments.  What is the alternative really?  Just stop living?  Curl up on your couch with whatever numbs you and hide?  That is not living.  That is not why God has us here.  So what do we do?  When times are hard and there are no answers, when surviving is about all we can muster up the strength to do.  We turn to our hope.  I ran across this scripture today from Lamentations: Lamentations 3:21-22 Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. 

     And there it is,  I dare still hope when I remember the faithful love of God never ends!  What immeasurable grace! I have begun asking God to give me "see through vision".  That he would make me brave, not because of anything to do with myself, but that I have a hope that gives me strength for the hard times!  He makes me brave, His love, His mercy, His grace... I can face the hard because He is in my corner.  Not passively watching but embracing me and strengthening me!  James says to consider is pure joy when we experience suffering of various kinds, why? Because we know the testing of our faith produces endurance and steadfastness.  Trials, hard times, desert seasons, are our training grounds! God is strengthening our faith in Him! There is beauty, even life, in the desert! The picture posted below is of the Bad Lands, the infamously dry and vegetation-less desert.  However, during very rare seasons beauty springs up out of the dry hard ground!  God make my faith like that of these beautiful flowers that have strengthened and adapted to the desert to bloom and produce something awe inspiring! May these hard seasons not be kept inside but made useful in being shared! 

All you need is LoVe

     Lately I feel as though every time I turn around there is something about love in front of me.  Pinterest is full of pins about how to love your husband, how to love your kids, how to love your body, and on and on.  I have had several conversations with girlfriends about how to love others better.  I have had a conversation with my husband about how he receives love and feels loved.  But if I were being honest with myself many, if not all, of these conversations that stemmed around how to love others better were simply ways to get others to love me more.  I know that seems convoluted, but bear with me.  I want to know how to love Travis, my husband, better so that he will feel loved and feel like he should love me more.  I want to know how to love my neighbor better so that whoever notices will think higher of me and love me.  Most of the things I do during my day are either directly, or indirectly, serving and loving myself.  Strange and humbling realization to say the least.  
     Jesus says in Matthew to "love your neighbor as yourself".  You see the Bible already assumes that we love ourselves.  Even if we say that we don't love ourselves well, that statement reveals that we think we should love ourselves more and others should love us more, and in a way that is loving ourselves.  We say things like, "I need to take some time for me, to love me".  We already love ourselves enough to clothe ourselves, feed ourselves, get rest for our bodies, exercise, etc.  All Jesus is saying here is that we should do the same for our neighbors.  He is not saying that self loathing is the way to live.  He is saying we already do things for ourselves that we can do for others.  You clothe yourself, clothe others.  You feed yourself, feed others.  You give yourself grace, give grace to others.  Most of the rules we use to judge others are rules that we, ourselves, don't even live by!  So my challenge from God this morning was this:  feeling anxious about something? Serve someone else;  feeling depressed by a situation in your life?  Love someone else.   If I could spend half of the time I spend thinking about myself and all of the ways I want to be loved, thinking of how to love someone else I would reach thousands of people with Jesus' love.  So there it is, my truest conviction, my current and perhaps unending struggle to love others the way that Jesus commands, the way I love myself.  

Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me Your eyes so I can see

When you are weary

    You know those times when you are bone-deep tired.  Not just physically, like you have worked your body super hard to it's breaking point, but when you feel like that is also the state of your heart and mind.  You have worked so hard, for so long, that you have reached your breaking point?  Do you remember that feeling?  Those heavy, exhausted sighs, as if somehow taking in enough air will reinflate your body and mind... remember that feeling when you were finally able to rest? 
      I remember a time like this vividly, I was a child, maybe 9 or so, and I was swimming in a lake with my family.  I was pretty small, but could swim well enough that my mom wasn't too concerned about me.  There were some adults having an inner tube race in the deep part of the lake, they were facing backward at the starting line and I swam in the way of the oncoming traffic, they took off and I was quickly pulled under the water by the passing inner tubes.  I remember frantically kicking my feet and scrambling to find the surface of the water, I was turned around and terrified, I couldn't touch the bottom, but couldn't find the top.  I don't really remember who found me or if I eventually swam my way back to the part of the lake I could touch the bottom.  But what I do remember is the feeling I got when I finally reached the shore and my mom was there to hug me and make sure I knew I was safe again.  My lungs felt hot and heavy, my legs were tired from thrashing in the water, my eyes burned (partly from the water in the lake, but mostly from crying) and I took that first deep breath in my momma's arms and it felt so amazing.  Then I remember sitting with her on the shore and feeling so relaxed and at ease, I was safe, I could rest.  
     I tell that story because there have also been seasons spiritually when I was drowning, or at least I felt like I was.  My feet were kicking as hard as I could kick, but without knowing which direction the top of the water was, they were completely useless.  I was striving so hard, working with all my might to get back to safety, to find the shore.  Along the way I even tried holding on to other things, people and objects, to keep me afloat.  Only to find that I would either drag them down with me, or that I would lose my grasp and they would disappear.  All I had to do was stop thrashing, stop fighting, some swimming, and cry out for help and God would be right there to lift me from the water and onto the shore.  I remember the night that happened for the first time, I was sitting in my living room crying out to God completely empty and exhausted.  I finally surrendered, I gave up my fight and held up my hands for God to save me.  And He did, simple as that, He was there... there wasn't anything magical about the way I did it.  It wasn't some out-of-body-experience, just a feeling of exhaustion, then surrender, then rest.  I took that deep breath, the kind that shudders in your chest, and then just rested in His arms.  I was safe, the problems and circumstances were still around me, but I was safe in His arms.  Jesus would fight those battles, I could just lean back and rest in His embrace.  
     I'm not really sure why I feel lead to talk about this today, maybe because I am feeling weary and exhausted from striving.  But I just felt like I needed to remind myself, and share with others, that there is rest for our weary souls.  We don't have to strive so hard, we just need to find the arms of our Savior and rest there.  
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.."-Jesus

When Oceans Rise

     These past few months God has been doing some major work in my heart.   It's been like Extreme Makeover, Heart of Courtney Edition.  I feel like He came in and took a look around and thought, "that wall is coming down, we are going to open this space up and create a much more inviting atmosphere  in here".  This is not the first time I have felt this massive shift in my heart, but somehow it feels brand new, exciting, life giving!  It all started about three months ago when my husband came to me and said "I'm going to start my own business and I have one month to do it, by the way my boss is firing me as of the end of the month." As you can imagine this didn't go over super smoothly, don't get me wrong I completely believed in Travis, I believed in his abilities and trusted his instincts that this was the best direction to head in, however, I grew up in a home of business owners and know how taxing, uncertain, and unbelievably exhausting this process can be.  So after my meltdown of sorts I went to Travis and confessed my fears, but got behind him 100%.  I knew this was going to be a journey that God was going to use to do more work on me so I was ready to buckle in and get going on this ride.  And then it began, the uncertainty in money, the long hours being gone from home, the "learning the hard way", business ownership stuff.  And that's when God peeled back some of the wall paper I had decorating the walls in my heart and revealed some really ugly things underneath.  You see as much as I want to believe that I "love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength" the reality is this, I was finding my security in a lot of other things, most of all money.  And this was my opportunity to either allow God to keep stripping that pretty wall paper and revealing the ugliness underneath, or to ask Him to kindly stop and leave my beautifully decorated walls alone.  I chose the first, I mean once you know what's under there the best things to do is finish the job right?  So, three months go by, the money is still uncertain, the bills have been paid (some of them late, but they got paid, praise Jesus!) and best of all not only has God been able to strip the wall paper but He has also knocked those walls down and made my heart space so much bigger!  I have learned to trust Him more and more through this process and wouldn't change this season for all the riches in the world.  Let me tell you, it's not pretty, some days I have to stop every few minutes, collect my wandering mind, and pray the God will be my source of security, the only source that is permanent and sustaining.  But He has!  I have seen Him answer prayers in the most peculiar of ways, I have grown a community of women around me that are comfortable with my vulnerability and encourage me to continue being real.  I am incredibly grateful for the heart space that God created that allows more people in, more of Him.  I am still a work in progress, I think this renovation will be an ongoing one, and I am okay with that.  But praise God that those walls will never look the same, I will be forever changed by this process and that is worth all of the mess! This is a song that God has been using over and over in my heart during this process.  The lyrics resonate in my soul and I pray that I never go back! "I will call upon Your name, and keep my eyes above the waves, when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace, for I am Yours and You are mine!" 

Faith like Abraham

     How do you want to be known? What characteristics do you want to mark your life?  Loyal? Loving? Kind? Disciplined? Determined? Patient? Successful?  How about outwardly... thin? Beautiful? Put-together?  None of these things are inherently evil or wrong.  In fact, some of those things I listed are also listed in Galatians as the Fruit of the Spirit.  But is this what I should be striving after?  I was reading a book this morning about seeing Jesus in Genesis and the author was specifically talking about Abraham.  Abraham was a man of tremendous faith.  In fact, when he is spoken of in the New Testament that is what marked his character, this unparalleled faith.  The author points out that Abraham had faith was accredited to him as righteousness.  He believed God.  Not just believed in God.  Not just that God existed, he believed God would fulfill all of His promises.  God promised Abraham that he would inherit land and have offspring that outnumbered the stars.  This childless, one-hundred-year-old man with a barren wife trusted God when He said that his offspring would bless all people, everywhere.  I think it's important to note that Abraham died a physical death before seeing with his eyes the fruition of these promises.
     Abraham believed God when He said the Savior of the world, of all people, would come from his lineage.  Without any knowledge of what this would look like, without the cross in his lifetime to look to as a reference point, Abraham fully trusted God.  Because of this, his faith was credited to him as righteousness.  Not his church attendance, or classes he taught, not his clean house, stacked bank account, trim physique, or number of people who followed him on Twitter.  His reputation, what we know of him today, his righteousness came from him trusting in God.  
     Maybe instead of striving to be more put-together, more visually appealing, more "secure" in worldly standards, I need simply to strive to put my faith in God's promises, the promise of salvation through Jesus.  If my life, my character, my reputation is anchored in Christ alone, then the rest should fall in place right?  Maybe this is Kingdom seeking? Maybe then, dare I say only then, are those other qualities: loving, determined, patient, kind, etc... pointed in the direction that can be effectively used for God's glory.  

God, may my reputation grow to be one that is marked by faith and trust in Your promise of salvation through Jesus.  Create in me the qualities that can come only from walking closely with You and learning to fully trust in You.  

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

    I was recently given the opportunity to go to a Women's Conference at our local church.  I love conferences... I love getting together with women to worship God.  Something about the sound of soprano and alto voices being lifted to the throne gives me goose bumps!  I am so sure that God is smiling when he sees his daughters in one accord singing praises to their Father.  As much as I love a women's event like this I was not totally convinced I was going to receive a "life changing word" from this event.  I was just so sure that I was going to serve others more than to be served myself.  To connect with some of my fellow lady church members and grow together more intimately.  And those things did happen, but they were completely secondary to the message that the Lord, my sweet patient God, had for me.  
     Most of us have heard the passage of Peter walking on water enough times to recite it.  Growing up in a Baptist Church means that you have been exposed to most of the "major" Bible stories by this point in your life.  But yesterday God revealed to me in a completely new way how this story is so relevant in my life right now.  Let me set up our situation so this is better understood... Travis, my husband, and some wonderful a friend, (family really) were given the opportunity to start a remodel, reconstruction, handy-work business at the start of 2014.  This was a situation that we had been praying about for a year or so and really felt as though God was providing this opportunity.  So we took it, and all the risks that come with owning your own business.  The unsure hours, unsure pay, unsure futures... all of it.  Now for the most part this has been a beautiful picture of God empowering these two men and making them stronger leaders in our families.  But on the flip side of that coin it has revealed some ugly places in my heart as a wife and mother of two children who depend on me to feed them.  *note-I do completely recognize that it is my husbands job to provide the money, but I cook the food ;) So here we are, three months in, and God has been providing, He has given everything we needed in the moments we needed it.  But I was still struggling to let go of the fears of instability, though I completely believed in my husbands' abilities, but businesses fail everyday right?  Now back to Peter...
   In the story Jesus was up on a mountain by Himself, praying, spending some alone time with His Father.  He had just fed the 5,000 and probably was in desperate need of some peace and quiet. (as a mother of two children under 3 I can totally relate, some days I wish I had a mountain top to escape to!)  The disciples had gotten in the boat and set sail.  They were relatively far out so what does Jesus do to catch His ride?  Well, He walks on the water of course... just steps right out into the crashing waves and howling wind and starts walking!  When the disciples look out across the water they see this man walking toward them, and they think they are seeing a ghost... which, let's be honest, is just as probable as a man walking on top of the water.  Jesus calls out to them and reveals His identity, at this point Peter, good ole Peter, says "If it's You, Lord let me walk on the water with You."  Now, I can totally relate to Peter.  He usually doesn't think before he speaks,  he says pretty much whatever comes into his mind, and usually ends up with his foot in his mouth.  But he LOVES Jesus.  In fact, Jesus tells Peter in a later story that upon this rock (Peter) He will build his church.  Peter is a man loved by Jesus and completely in love with Him, but he is a bit over-eager at times.  So, after Peter says this Jesus' response was "Come".  I love that, Jesus was like "okay big boy, you wanna try walking on water, step out of that boat".  Now, you have to give Peter some credit here, he is the only disciple that's asking to walk on water, and he actually steps out of the safety of the boat.  What is his reward?  He walks on water!!! Peter steps out onto the uncertainty of the crashing waves and whipping winds and walks on water with His Savior!  He was doing pretty good too, until he started looking at the waves and the wind around him and takes his eyes off of Jesus, then he starts to sink.  However, even in his fear and doubt he calls out to Jesus and says help me Lord! And Jesus immediately reached out His hand and raised him out of the water.  He then looks at Peter and says "oh you of little faith".  And back into the safety and security of the boat they went.  
     This story resonates so deeply in my soul.  First of all, I long to be like Peter when he simply believed in Jesus and stepped out of the boat.  He didn't think about the consequences or the uncertainty of the water, he just stepped out.  Secondly,  I want to fix my eyes upon my Savior, look full in Jesus' loving eyes and be completely focused solely on Him as I walk on the water.  Can you imagine what it must have felt like for those few moments that Peter was successfully walking on top of the water?  What freedom!?  What intimacy with Jesus!?  MAN, I want that!  What if Peter had never taken His eyes off of the Lord and looked at the waves around him?  What if he had stayed focused on Jesus?  How long would they have walked around out there?  Thirdly, I don't want to stay in the safety of my boat, even if I do sink I want to completely trust in Jesus to be there to take my hand and pull me out of the water.  So, I listed out my fears and God's response to those fears in this passage... it looks like 
Fears                                                                                  Answers
Failure- sinking into the water                               Jesus was there and immediately took Peter by the hand

Disapproval- the rest of the disciples in the boat      Not everyone got to experience even one second of                                                                                     water walking

Struggle-the crashing waves and whipping wind      Peter still walked even amidst the storm, and Jesus can                                                                               calm the storm any time He sees fit (see a couple different                                                                               places in the Bible)
     So there you have it.  All of you water walkers who desire not comfort, but closeness with Jesus, this is it! We have to step out of the boat!  We must transfix our eyes on our Savior and refuse to look to the left or the right.  It is a risk, but oh how great the reward!